Went 40 days without a drink. Friday night hung out at a bar for a friends going away party. Drank water and had a great time. Swapped stories, drunken nights of yesteryear. Went home 8:00 pm feeling like I was going to implode. Hubby drank. I decided that was my permission. Started drinking around 9pm. Drank I have no idea how much of I have no idea what until 4:30 am. Put a frozen pizza in the oven. Set the timer and proceeded to pass out. Woke up to hubby at 1pm putting a charred pizza in my face. He had woken up to smoke in the bedroom. Briefly pondered that we both could have died. Started drinking immediately, same I don't know what and continued until 5 am Sunday. Sobered up because of fears of anxiety attacks on Monday at work because I flushed my Klonopin a few weeks prior because I last took 12 of them in 24 hours. Monday anyway was borderline panic attack and still shaking. Went home at 4pm and drank 2 beers to wind down. Went to aa, got there late enough I wouldn't have to admit my relapse for a startover token and left before anyone could talk to me or make eye contact. Got home 7pm with a bottle of wine. Finished said bottle and proceeded to beer. Sent message to boss that I was feeling feverish and would prefer to work from home on Tuesday. Sent message to temp sponsor saying "I need help bla bla bla". Sent several other dumb pathetic txt msgs to temp sponsor. Drank numerous beers until now (7am) having not yet slept and ready to get another. Missing work today. It's getting light out. How long will this continue? Driving to PA tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I hope I stop before I see my family.