Barry,

Until you sort out how you are feeling about yourself you will probably keep repeating what you did last night. Other people will tell you about other ways but here is my suggestion.

Go back to Step 1 with a good sponsor. Accept that you cannot drink or drug.

Since what you are doing under your own guidance is not working, maybe you need a spiritual approach. You can see where you are right now and if you look at people who are sober and free, maybe you can see where you would like to be. You then need to make a decision are you going to stay where you are or are you prepared to do what it takes to get to where you would like to be.

There is a process there for you that will allow you to look at yourself and to make changes. When you have done that you will be in a position to move past the guilt and other emotions that you are feeling now.

The time will come then when you can examine recent events with a clear head and decide if you need to make amends. If you honestly decide that you cannot deal with a particular situation because of the hurt it would cause to another party, you will find another way to make amends, maybe not directly to that person, but in some manner that clears the guilt.

Therefore my friend, you have a decision to make.

Maybe this link would help: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pVBDQPC2XQ

Sounds like you partied hardy throughout the night. Got it on and all. I wish I could be like you, but I can't drink and drug at all anymore. Way too much responsibilities taking care of the entire farm and watching over my 90 year old mother. Just glad I quit about 5 years ago so that I could be alive to be writing this right now. But ya, I recall those kind of nights, jam packed all night, night after night. You are a stronger man than I, Sir!

Put a marker down and remember this moment Barry thats what I used to tell myself. You can come back to it as often as you want or never again...

P

When looking at Step 1, look within to see where the reservations are that you apparently have because you're still drinking.

Also, I would check out Step 1 in NA to address your drug addiction.

I've had many close friends fall by the wayside because they got to AA with a needle in their arm and never took Step 1 when it came to drugs. And when they relapsed, it was on drugs.

Best wishes Barry,

Dianna

Have been sober 4 -5 months at a time then when all is going okay I just do the dumbest thing a person can do and say yes when I know better!
Barry

Life is way too hard. Why does it have to be that way?
Barry

It can be real easy or real hard to begin to intellectually understand what a clean sober life entails...butt you see the intellect only masks the emotional make up I had going on that no one really openly picked up on.The people I got sober with suggested to side flank my overly indulgent emotional life with less black and white emotional responses and a more inner commitment to taking off the mask around AA, NA or in therapy sessions I so badly needed to see I was not who I had thought I'd become because of the drinking and drugging that was only the short view for my need to punish myself..All of the psychotically masquerades began for me as a child.. Don't short change yourself only with AA's psychological / spiritual approach as a benchmark . Investigate your inner life with a therapist or a book you find that describes your cat and mouse games with yourself and others...The bottle may only be a symbol Bill W. wrote...
Billy

:)))

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QN4pxVxQfI

Even though you try to put people under control, it is impossible. You cannot do it. The best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. Then they will be in control in a wider sense. To give your sheep or cow a large spacious meadow is the way to control him. So it is with people: first let them do what they want, and watch them. This is the best policy. To ignore them is not good. That is the worst policy. The second worst is trying to control them. The best one is to watch them, just to watch them, without trying to control them.
Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind: Informal Talks on Zen Meditation and Practice

I bet you already know this, but whatever your doing or not doing is not working. Stop thinking that it is ok to just drink a few beers.
Tomorrow is a new day, day 1.
I've always hate having day 1 AGAIN... That's the worst feeling for me.
Please try to figure it out so you won't feel like this again. It sucks, I been there many times. Were getting to old to be doing all-nighters and other 'activities'. Our body and mind can only take so much mental torment.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! You have a new opportunity to make it a better life, an exciting life and a sober life that brings more rewards then you ever thought possible!

Good luck on your journey to recovery and God Bless!

Am better today. I want to be a good person. It really sucks to be doing good and then for some reason go stupid for no good reason. Drugs aren't the hi of my choice but once I start drinking I lose all common sense. And if with a lady I will do whatever she asks me to do. My AA sponsor says I am a sex addict and that I will need to deal with it to get control over my life and I think he is right. I realize that I am obsessed with it. And the kind of woman that responds to that is the kind that I need to stay away from. I will try to do better my life depends on it!
Barry

You could be out enjoying the sunshine with others right now. It doesn't have to be like this. Drink a lot of water, shower, and rest. Tomorrow is a new day. Spend today healing.

Went to an AA meeting with my sponsor tonight and it helped me to get my mind back in a better place. Am going to go to a meeting tomorrow also. I am even thinking about doing the 90 in 90 meetings.Maybe if I dive into it deep like that I will be too busy to get into trouble. And after 90 days I might be in a good mental place to stay straight and sober.
God Bless All!
Barry

Sobriety doesn't happen overnight and less than 1% of people who decide to get sober do so their first time out. I first got sober with AA in January of '99. Spent 8yrs sober, got hit with a surprising divorce, spent 4 yrs drunk...now I'm sober again. TODAY. The past is gone and bitching about it ain't gonna change it. Tomorrow isn't here yet so I have RIGHT NOW to deal with. So Barry, don't beat yourself up and don't feel sorry for yourself. I use CR as a support group and basically changed everything in my life to facilitate sobriety. People, places, and things...all changed. Grace and Peace. B

For me realizing the first drink or drug I took made me a different person. A person who did not have any sort of control or regulation over my intake of alcohol or drugs. Going back to my 12 step group( after each episode of using) helped me reach full acceptance that control is lost after the first substance is ingested. I'm sober almost 14 months and if I can do it so can you.