The root of the word resentment is French "resentir" which means "feel again". I have an alcoholic aunt who is in her sixties and every time she is drunk at a family party she tells the story of how a priest treated her unfairly in elementay school and almost starts crying. I would call that a resentment.

Hello jb55,

You are experiencing guilt and remorse because of what has happened and although I would not necessarily call it resentment, it is definitely something that you need to deal with. The process of understanding how a resentment arises and how to deal with it may also be applied successfully to this situation. Just be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that because you have a possible resentment that you can automatically use that as an excuse to drink. I will employ an example to demonstrate how understanding and dealing with resentment was explained to me.

Let us suppose that you said or did something that caused me to feel a great deal of emotional hurt. Perhaps the fault was yours or maybe it was I who was in the wrong and you just reacted to what I did - it does not really matter. Perhaps what you said was just an unimportant passing remark that you have instantly forgotten about, and that you had meant no harm. However, although you have rightly put the incident in the past, I have developed a great resentment against you and there will be words exchanged and maybe more the next time that we meet. How did this come about?

Well it may be that after we parted company I was turning things over in my mind, playing the tape over and over. Maybe I concluded that while part of the fault was yours, it was really my own actions that made things worse. Later that night, I play the tape in my head once more but the message has changed a little. O.K. it was partly my fault but you should not have said those things and you had no right etc. Over the course of the following day, the tape is still playing and the message is still changing. Now, you are responsible for my bad mood and I need a drink. If only you didnt say...and I did nothing....and youre one bad s.o.b. This is ALL your fault and I am a great guy. Three weeks later, we meet and you greet me with a friendly hello but my thoughts are far from friendly. I have a resentment and Im going to sort it out.

So how is it that two people can react so differently to the same incident? What has caused me to carry so much anger for several weeks? The first thing that is beyond doubt is that I was hurt by what you said (and it makes no difference who was right or wrong). In order to understand resentment it is necessary to look at how I came to be hurt.

Every human being has three God given Instincts and these are: the Social instinct; the Security Instinct; the Sex Instinct and these combine to make up our Ambitions. If a person feels emotional pain, he or she has been hurt under one or more of those headings. The Social Instinct comprises things like Self-Esteem and Relationships. The Security Instinct is made up of Material and Emotional and the Sex Instinct includes Acceptable Sex Relations and Hidden Sex Relations. For us to develop a resentment, hurt must be caused under one or more of those headings.

Therefore, going back to my resentment against you, I can now understand a little bit more about it. In my mind, there is only one culprit so I will write down your name in the first column. I can also see the Cause of this resentment so I will write that down in the second column, opposite your name. You said and you did and if only you had not..etc. Remembering that I cannot hold a resentment unless I have been hurt under one of the three basic instincts, I can now look at the situation more carefully. My Social Instinct was definitely hurt as self-esteem was left low and people were talking and laughing so my relationships were also hurt. My Material Instinct was hurt I lost some work and money; I was hurt emotionally because this thing is on my mind night and day. I will tick off those things in the third column.

So far, we know that you are the person that I hold the resentment against; we know the cause is something (real or imagined on my part) that you did wrong and we know that I was hurt under a number of headings. No wonder I cant wait to get revenge, clearly its all your fault. If only you were a better person and did things my way, the world would be a great place. Or is it possible that I also played some part in the drama? Did I react badly to what you said? Was the hurt that I now feel caused by my own reactions? Dont like dealing with those questions at all.

The trouble is that no matter what I say or do, I cannot change you or indeed anyone else. The only person that I can change is me. Therefore, I have to look inwardly at what it was within my character that caused me to be hurt. What is the exact nature of my wrongs, faults, mistakes, defects and shortcomings? Was I Selfish; Dishonest; Self-Seeking and Frightened; or was I Inconsiderate? It was because of one of those defects of character or some others that I allowed myself to react wrongly to what you said and get hurt as a result. The hurt resulted in a resentment.

Therefore, we can now see that it does not matter who was right or wrong. What matters is the way in which I reacted. I cannot change you but I can try to change myself. Damn it, that is a pretty tall order - I would have been far happier if the change had to come from you. There is however a source of help that I can draw on and if used correctly, those defects of character will start to disappear.

I would not be here unless I was powerless over alcohol. In order to overcome that lack of power, I had to turn to something more powerful than me, a Higher Power. I could see that this worked for other people who had been in my situation, and I looked for their support. They told me that all I had to do was to Believe that if it worked for them, it would also work for me. My sponsor asked me to make a Decision to turn the problem over to this Higher Power, nothing more, just a decision. Turn what over, I asked, I dont understand that? Turn over your thoughts and your actions he said. In order to make sure that nothing is missed, we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Now I have a resentment to deal with and I can no longer pass it off as your fault. I have identified some things within my own character that I need to change so that I get rid of all resentments. This is a bit too much for me, so I admit to God that I have these defects of character and I am Willing to let go of them all. I humbly ask Him to remove them all.

Health Warning: Do Not try this on your own. Should only be taken under the direction of a Sponsor.

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde

According to a Japanese legend, two monks were walking down the road when they saw a finely dressed young woman standing before a large mud puddle. She explained that she had no way of crossing the water without ruining her clothes. Without saying a word, the first monk picked her up in his arms and lifted her safely across the obstacle.

A few hours later the second monk said in an accusatory tone, "How could you have picked up that lady? Don't you know that the rules strictly forbid us to touch a member of the opposite sex?" His friend smiled and then replied, "I put the woman down back at the puddle. Are you still carrying her?"

Like the second monk, many of us are still carrying old hurts, resentments, and lost opportunities that we picked up many mud puddles ago. As long as we remain stuck in the past, we cannot fully hear the inner voice, which speaks to us in the present. Thus, in order to tap our intuition, we need to release and heal our unfinished business.

By following the example of the first monk, we can put the past down and walk on. See your past experiences as teachings that have guided you to this present moment. An endless array of opportunities and possibilities lie before you. Immerse yourself in this good, and the old hurts will have no place left to make their home.

In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 79

Have you ever thought that the harm you did a business associate, or perhaps a family member, was so slight that it really didn't deserve an apology because they probably wouldn't remember it anyway? If that person, and the wrong done to him, keeps coming to mind, time and again, causing an uneasy or perhaps guilty feeling, then I put that person's name at the top of my "amends list," and become willing to make a sincere apology, knowing I will feel calm and relaxed about that person once this very important part of my recovery is accomplished.

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