The self described in Alcoholics Anonymous was confusing to me once upon a time. I used to have a sponsor that was always talking about "self" and I had no clue what he was referring to, and would just agree with him. I would agree with him because it irritated him if I didn't understand what he was talking about. He was the kind of sponsor who was sponsoring for him, not for me, I had to stop talking to him because that in the long run ended up irritating me. I felt like he was using me to get himself sober.
Fast forward to today, and with the help of the big book, I now understand this "self" he was talking about. I like how in the book, in how it works, the author asks me to look for some common manifestations of self. The author describes how people relying on their "selves" usually become ego-centric, and being ego-centric molds a person views into those that want to run the show. They usually want their way, and will do a number of things to get their way.
The reading implies that self is binding to difficulty, and that taking stock out of our "selves" will allow us more freedom and a chance for God to start running the show.
If I have gotten to the point of alcoholism no longer allowing me to manage my life, and people in general are not powerful enough to help me find relief from the alcoholism, I have really only one option left, and that is to let God take over.
If I am convinced there is a God, and that God can help me, I can continue going forward with the steps. Going forward requires me to understand that continuing to live a life, run on my self, won't equate to success, and I will drink, and life will just get worse and worse by the day. The book says I will try to make life arranged in a way that suites my self. My self's demands, and that not being in line with reality, will make the show a shit show. Not liking a shit show, I will try harder to make it better, and not knowing my self's desires are the reason why I am not getting what I want, I start self-pity. Self-pity leads to anger, and frustration, and a very negative attitude.
My self-ish actions, begin to be noticed by others, and they respond in negative and irritated anger, as well, and the underlying opinion of them becomes that I am a person who thinks of himself over others.
So my selfishness, driven by fear, delusion, and pity are the authorities in my life before I turn it over to God, who wants to rid me of these things and replace them with unselfishness, courage, honesty, and a higher self-esteem.
Lately it has been hard to just get through the day, and it is because I haven't reminded myself enough of what my self is. My self is a fear based delusional pity saturated mechanism that doesn't have the power to always remind itself that God is always available and my ego is not a God.
If I forget this, and get lucky with a little grace from God or a few breaks here and there, my self, then ignores how fear based it is, how delusional it can become, how often it starts the day off in self-pity, and how harmful anger at not getting my way becomes, and it can then use that little bit of grace or good luck to generate pride.
Pride for me is very dangerous to my future security. Pride reinforces my ego needing me to believe in it, so it can run the show again.
If I want to grow I have to understand my self, and how often it is the opposite of what God's has to offer.
Being sober is my new drug.....................................and boy, I am so happy to be addicted to AA."I turn my will and my life over to the care of God".Amen to that one xxx