Hello, how is everyone?  I have not been as well as I would like to be, and it's because I have been working in a stressful environment, for the most part, neglecting the reality that when I share, and post, in the form of writing, I get to express feelings and emotions I can't when talking.  

Long story short, recovery and my spiritual life, is doing fairly well.  I have resumed meetings after the Coronavirus and the restrictions it brought to everyone's lives, got in the way of that way to treat alcoholism.  The meeting I was going to reguarly has changed a bit, there are new faces, new stories, but that isn't that big of a deal, it is still a place to go to treat alcoholism.  When I logged in there was a post with a person frustrated about their meeting and how they feel it is not good enough, and I can relate, but I also want to always remember I go to the meeting to experience and meet other alcoholics and to share my experience, strength and hope.  The meeting is always for others, just as much as I think it is for me, and if it is what it is, it is what it is, as long as I share my honest experience, strenghth, and hope, God will help me stay sober.  I do need to do more reading, and ingrain myself into the manual on how to treat alcoholism I use (The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous) so I can know when in meetings, if a person is sharing out of the message the program of action created for them, or if they are just venting or being themselves, untreated relying solely on the meeting, to do the work for them.  I've found that only relying on the meeting, can be draining, and also is something alcoholics who have done the steps, and have acquired several years of sobriety can do, if they aren't careful.  

I have not been reading like I said, I had a sponsee but work has become more important than anything else, so I wouldn't really call him being sponsored by me, he's kind of at a point where he's just calling to comply with his spouses demands, in my opinion.  He thinks he can do a better job than me, at sponsoring him, also another trap that alcoholics almost surely will create for themselves, and that has created a resentment inside of me that has me now ignoring his attempts to communicate.  I did take on a service position at my group, and I did take steps to move closer to a very solid AA members group with the option of still going to my group, so all is not lost, even though my ego is telling me since I am not reading, I am a complete failure at AA.  LOL.  

I have to be honest, work has become a dominating portion of my life that is making me ill.  I am at a point where a few of the personalities there are disgusting me, and I am ashamed to say it, but it's true.  I know it is an ego driven declaration trying to get me to resent, and then take negative action against their own sicknesses, fused with my alcoholism, hoping I take a drink over it, so the combination of the two can then call the shots, leading me down a terrible path, that will almost certainly include me, diseased, spiritually, mentally, and physically.  

I had to chuckle at the post of is this a disease of not?  I know for one thing, it is definitely not an avenue towards comfort or relief, to have untreated alcoholism, and frankly I feel sorry for people who don't understand that if someone wants to view alcoholism as a disease, that is a very healthy approach that will result in them feeling as if they can survive it's implications going forward.  

I called my sponsor and discussed my co-worker resentment, he is always so good at understanding how frustrating putting personalities over principles can be, and he is just so understanding when someone needs to be.  I usually don't need a lot from other people, and most of that is because I have built up such strong walls of distrust generally when it comes to human beings, from their own abilities to make mistakes and not be perfect, but I really am grateful for the sponsor God's plan had for me, we don't talk much, because he did such a thorough job in the beginning of guiding me within what I will have to do to treat alcoholism with AA, but when we do, he is very helpful, and I am really happy that the principle of staying committed to the guidance of someone intersted in helping me has never left in these very awesome years of sobriety God has graced my life with.  

Going forward I will remember first thing in the mornings that I am alcoholic, and that makes me an alcoholic, and attached to that is a certain unmanageability few can really understand.  Out of those few, who do really understand, will be a certain bonding that we all have with God, who also really understands the struggle of alcoholism, and wants to help me and others like me not succumb to it's very negative implications spiritually, mentally, and physically.  Believing that a God loves me and loves others like me who have alcoholism, and wants to help, I simply have to trust and keep it simple going forward.  I can continue to be honest by going to meetings and knowing my role there, I can stay educated on what the fellowship of AA wants me to know, through their book, specifically written for people like me who despite all they tried, just could not avoid the alcoholism their life plans were to include for whatever reason, and I can also be available to sponsor others, trying to carry a message despite their own egos critique while doing so.  I am still intersted in listening to speaker tapes, listening to others who have more years of sobriety on the "how to's" of certain things, and in how much relief the newcomer is getting.  

My inventories can be shorter, I don't have to analyze the problems as much as know how to readily apply the solutions.  For instance I know I cannot help certain co-workers at work, so I have to pray for love and tolerance instead of praying for them to change to better suit me and others.  I can identify the fear that is driving the anger co-workers are creating at work, and see that my faith in God's ability to take care of me from an income standpoint and a work standpoint is much greater than my ego could ever anticipate.  I also can review my behaviors at work and if they create same or negativity, I can ask God to remove them or give me the power to stop doing them.  

I then can admit what is wrong, how it is affecting me, and how it is affecting others, openly, without any fear of consequences so great, God won't love me, because that is not part of this treatment plan.  God will love me, especially when I admit to others I don't know I am flawed, and that is the greatest deal ever, if you are just a typical alcoholic like me.  

I can pray, and admit, I am ready for change, always, if God sees fit I need be, and if it need be, God will do it, not necessary me, which is a very ego feeding proposition, if I don't take humility into it's phase going forward.  

I can make lists of people I might be harming, have harmed, and don't care if are harmed and ask God to help me help them in everyway.  I can tell people directly I was wrong, and leave it at that.  I can continue to write, and continue to think of how I might have affected another problematically, and if that was unhelpful, keep an open mind to change through meditations and more prayers.  

Finally, I can help God, and be a part of, so life is good enough, if I can still do all that, which I can, despite my ego telling me life is going to hell in a hand basket, which compared to my life as a drunkard, is a damn lie.