I've noticed the activity on this support group is low.  I figure I can do my part and post something for someone to read.  

I'll keep it simple, and make the topic, how am I staying sober during a pandemic lockdown?

Well, it's been challenging.  I think accepting that I am just as powerless over this pandemic as I was over alcoholism, but that ways of treating what happens inside of me do exists are key.  For instance if I say I am powerless over coronavirus and my life is now unmanageable, I can turn it over to a higher power.  

Both alcoholism and coronavirus are getting in the way of my happiness, joy, and freedom.  This like any normal person would make life less sane, and the sanity loss for me has been a combination of frustration, natural ignorance and contributory ignorance, and worst of all fear from the unknown.  Right now the sum of the frustration, not knowing, and fear of the unknown has created a real resentment and hopelessness.  

I'm frustrated because we are living at the mercy of the virus and the orders of authority trying to keep us safe from the virus, and both have an element of control that I resent.  I am also frustrated because I want to know exactly what is going on, what to do, why it is going on, how it all happened, and where I can go to get away from it all.  Since this virus came onto the scene, there have been so many opinions and different ways to respond to it being thrown into the mix that at this point I am overwhelmingly confused and have no trust or faith in anything aiming to counsel me on it.  I have heard so many contradicting bits of information and have seen so many fights over what it is and how to respond to it that I am exhausted by it all.  Frankly I am afraid, not so much of the virus, but at what chaos this virus has caused, and how important it has become to all despite it affecting so little of the population.

For years I have resented germaphobia, and to see it on this large of a scale, makes me resentful.  I've always thought if you were a strong person germs would never have complete power over you.  Well this virus, has complete power over society right now, and the whole world, and it is getting so much attention, and controlling us so much that I feel like we are all just it's pawns. 

I used to go to meetings, but now haven't gone reguarly for three months now, I used to get out in the world and practice the principles the steps have taught me, but don't leave the house now except when I have to.  Make a long story short, the lack of control and reality has made me full of self pity.  Full of self-pity, leading to demoralization, which is usually driven by me using my head only and not having power enough to not create dishonest, delusional, or distorted thinking, which will lead to stress, depression, and alcoholism saying "how about a drink, this world is crazy, and fuck it, drinking will make it tolerable, for an hour or two." 

I know enough to know selfishness is the culprit, and it is driven by or activated by fear.  I know what my fourth step says about selfishness, and fear, and I know how to treat resentment.  I know that behavior driven by selfishness and fear will equal after it is done shame and guilt, and I know that being considerate of others although hard to do while they are only being human will lead to a more suitable and quality life. 

Do I still know that God completely has things under control and this is all part of his plan though?  Accepting that defect in the forms of selfishness, and fear, are present and hindering my believe that there is a God amongst all this muck, called a pandemic, is also key for me staying sober.  Admitting that it is making me all very mentally ill and making others just as mentally ill, and that people aren't showing signs that they have it under control, reminds me that no human power can solve this virus or alcoholism.  No human power can even lead this world.  I can either see that as a very terrible fact, or an opportunity to give it all to God.  

So here is the turning point.  I will choose to give it all to God.  I can start praying for the world, and praying for progress towards an end to the coronavirus.  I can start praying for the confidence to know it will all be history one day and it will be evidence that man with the help of God can overcome disease, both physically and mentally.  I can do my part and listen to authority so I won't be a problem for them as they navigate very stress filled times personally as well.  Am I complying, and am I being less of a problem rather than more of a problem during difficult times?  How important is it that I get my way, and is the cost of losing my sanity worth it in the long run if I were to get my way?

I can give myself the option to see this virus and this temporary control it has over all of us as a window of opportunity to pray for others more, be more understanding of others burdens and stressors, and as a time to just stop doing, and let God take over. 

What are you doing to stay sober if your life has changed because of the Coronavirus Pandemic?