Hi folks.  Around the first of the year I think it was, I decided I wasn't going to write for a year, so I guess I am kind of breaking my own rule, but let me tell ya, it was a really unnecessary restriction, but nevertheless here go I.  

I think I didn't want to write because I wasn't sure I couldn't piss others off, whilst writing, not intending to piss others off, but doing so as consistently as possible.  I've tried notepad or legal pad writing, but it doesn't sooth my nerves as much as typing does, and I think that is the sounds of the keyboard clicking though more than anything else.  

I thought I would read more, and I know I have gone to more meetings in place of write so much on here as a method of recovery, but yes, if you were ever wondering how powerful writing about recovery is, or can be, let me just tell you, I feel like complete crap not writing about my experience recovered, and after this year is over, I will have no shame or problem writing at all, and now know, it is more so the apprehension of others feelings about my writings after, than the actually writing itself that was creating the problem(s).  

Physically I feel like shit.  Mostly because what I was doing physically was also, incurring a good amount of resentment from others, I felt, and also I have become resentful over that, and have rebelled with a poor diet and disconcern for excercise, which obviously is a cause for me feeling the sort of misery I am feeling to a certain extent.  There has been a considerable amount of financial disregard, which I can't but wonder is probably adding to my genuine side's anxiety level, and socially I am more awkward these days than congruent in most of my conversations.  Both of those facts, or observations of myself, are creating levels of frustration that, again, I resent.  The meetings are good because without the writing and the reading, I am listening more, and seeing the power of people communicating with each other, and to another, so it's not as great as the writing, reading, and then meeting making combined, but it's something at least. 

My head, without writing and reading (and I have also not listened to as much music as I like to) is not correct at all.  My thoughts are quite ill, and I think that is probably contributory to my physical condition.  Spiritually it is hard to get to a level of real awarness because of the resentment, and the resentment is so consuming that I can't even breach what fears might be controlling them.  The sex life is all out of whack, it has good intentions and isn't intereseted in hurting anyone or anything with it's behavior, but it is selfish and if not reviewed and inventoried, will more than likely give ground one day to a reason to drink.  I know alcoholism, I've been living with it for years, and I know it is an opportunistic son of a bitch that needs to be treated against at all times more so than not.  I have been downplaying my relationships or lack there of, for most if not all my sobriety, and I am seeing that I do really hurt others with great inconsideration.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous specifically talks about how lack of consideration in that area of life (relationships and sex) can give alcoholism a foothold and eventually with all it's impurity if you will, force a person to consider drinking over considering being considerate to others in those areas as a solution. 

I have been fighting with others not so much overtly, because that was beginning to be somewhat of an offence intolerant at my job, or jobs, but now so, in the little things like having the last word in conversation or showcasing a bit of superiority in one way or another specifically if I have less leverage than they.  All of that is leading to a kind of a general disconnect with others who are just as important as I if I am using real humility to manage my life, but again, I also know that I have given my life to God, and have no real control over what I do in that sense, so I know it is all mostly my ego, wanting it's way, at the end of the day, and why I feel the way I feel currently. 

I have learned that if you want to maintain a spiritual state born of God through a mechanism designed to get you closer to him, you cannot change for anything other than him, or what is making you spiritual or made you spiritual.  I thought I was being considerate to the experience by toning it down in my writing and not being completely free to do what I do musically, but I am now seeing that was just me, trying to be too nice and overly considerate of others who just aren't there with God, I suppose, so going forward, I am seeing God didn't need me to change at all, and it was just others and my ego that is doing the changing towards a more miserable state that I will have to work extra hard on to get out of.  Hence being the reason why I am up, at 1:10 am knowing I have to get up at 5:30 am working on my "feelings." 

I do know the resentment of others dislike of how I live a life, and me being "too considerate of that" and not just letting God explain it to them, out of a greater consideration that he is that powerful, was a bad decision.  It's like when guys have to apologize for apologizing, but I will say that I am enjoying parts of the change as well, like I do like that it is showing me that health is very important and it is not ok to feel miserable physically, whatever the reasoning may be. 

Someone posted about sponsoring, and I haven't talked to my sponsor or sponsee in a while, and really don't communicate one on one with any AA members currently, outside of the actual meeting, however, I have at work had the opportunity to treat others with ailment fairly, even if they can't admit it or do not use the methods I do to treat my alcoholism and/or ailment. 

I am going to maintain the commitment to not write, still, even though I am giving myself a bit of a reprieve from that by doing so here.  I think the benefit to not writing all the time, about your self, is that you cannot then become consumed by your own thoughts as much, and it literally (literally) is not all about you, each and every day, automatically then, with that being taken off the table.  I can see zero benefit to not listening to music each day, but whatever. 

With the book I have definitely been resting on the laurels.  I have a great resentment of not having enough time, in the day to do all of this stuff, something I think both the non-alcoholic and the alcoholic can equally relate to, but for me personally that is a poor excuse, there are 164 pages in the book that are helpful and it takes me less than 10 minutes each day to read 5 pages per, so if I am honest, I could very well read the book, 11 times over in a year, with no problem, yet I am saying, egoically, that reading the book is such a huge problem! 

This inability to not do what you know you can do and what you know you need to do to feel better is the great mystery of illness.  I defintely know that from the lack of writing, and my mind not having a place to placate it's thoughts, I defintely have had to admit that I have some real crap up there that I should be keeping to myself and God, not spewing out to others who could care less about hearing it. 

I can't say it enough, the notion that the problem centers into the mind in a progressive fashion and needs to be treated daily for the well being of self and others, is the truth for this alcoholic.  From all areas, I can see a certain facade run by a lingering selfishness too scared to admit it is so, making up the muck and mire of what I call a brain sometimes.  For the first time in a long time I've even been consciously questioning the existence of God at the same time still cognizant of the fact that I have concrete experiences that have told me he is real for sure.  The turning my life over is simple, boom, morning prayer, done, but the turning my will over, especially in the relationships of both non-sexual and sexual nature is absolutely impossible.  Turning my financial situation over is not so impossible, and that has been tolerable, but letting people be themselves who both don't want to sleep with me and who do what to sleep with me, has been terribly confusing and not at all intellecually stimulating, in fact, it has been a general discourse in the self-guided recipe I have created in that area, alone, so breaking up all that BS that I built and stood so firmly on, I definitely do not have the power of myself to do. 

My emotional instincts keep wanting to claw into my real belief system that others emotions are not my own, and I think that is the whole problem with my consideration of inconsideration, but I have to understand and just be confident that God is in control of all my emotions and if they are fine with him, they can then be fine with me.  I really resent the accusations of not being emotional enough, however, and for some of us, that is called just being astute.  Anyway, yea, so it's been very challenging so far this year, almost two months in, but I am sticking to the plan of what I am going to do this year, and the change has been nice to say the least. 

Hope you all are doing well and God Bless.