Just checking in, but with such little activity on this site, kind of feels like a waste of time.  This site used to have a really active alcoholism support board, but after the format change, which happened about 8 years ago, it's been very poor and barely anyone even interacts anymore.  You'd think that whoever owns this thing would have seen that and done something within the 8 years people have had to rely on it's much worse existance, but oh well, I guess they saved some money or something, and I guess if lives suffer, than oh well, like a good medical company.  

Anyway, if you can't tell by the above dialogue, I've been much better in sobriety, not doing so hot, and checking in helps.  

I do still have the power to admit I am an alcoholic, and since alcoholism and it's inherent selfishness has "centered in my brain" like the big book of alcoholics anonymous tells me it will, that in itself is a minor miracle.  Live has happened at this point in my being free from alcohol.  Since my obsession of considering alcohol as a cure daily for life, has been not present, I've had to deal with life, and that has been depressing lately, but wasn't so earlier in sobriety.  If my mind thinks I might not be an alcoholic, I can just simply say for the last several years I have been treating alcoholism through the AA program, and that is proof enough to the thought, that I can go forward with step two.  However, the unmanagability portion of the illness, has really been kicking my ass.  Nobody and nothing is seeming to want to really help me get what I think is what I should be getting.  Work isn't really giving me what I think I have seriously attempted to earn in working for it.  My relationship life, including sex-life, isn't giving me exactly what I think I have invested in it, and did consider towards it.  Socially, the world is boring me to be blunt.  The problem is instead of just admitting it all, like I do most of the time, there are times when I can't help but compulsively and impulsivly rebel at the idea that life, and God, simply dominate me in the power section, at times, and that makes me completely powerless.  

After I admit I am powerless, can I believe that life and God might know just as much, if not more than me about where I need to go and what true love is, or true care is?  When I look back at my motives at work, are they considerate enough of others and are they unselfish enough?  When I look at my relationship and sex-life, is honest enough, and is that serious enough where I can help another always, even if that means me just having fun with them, or me not judging their journey?  When I think of society and how witnessing it can become a bothersome experience spiritually, physically, and mentally, how much do I want to help, or am I not able to desire exiting this experience?  

All of those answers, will be a waste of time if I do not believe that there is something bigger and more secure out there, whom I believe to be God, that can, and is going to help, guaranteed.  

I would harp on what this person is doing to me, or what happened to me here or there, but why, the point is I am able to admit my alcoholism, clearly, with a sound understanding of what it is, and can then say with confidence I am not managing this life properly enough to feel free and great about myself, so I need to then admit I am failing, and that is ok, because, after I admit my failure, I can then take steps towards God, a power much more secure and much more prepared to deal with others than I currently.  

Knowing those two things, I now have a chance, and with that chance I am going to double down and let God lead, it is the right thing to do when you have no power, of your own making, and it is a sure bet towards very powerful humility in the years to come.  Sitting back and watching God work, and watching how others also are addicts, alcoholics, dependents on things that ultimately make them just as powerless as I, helps, because when I do that, I am not creating any wreckage, I simply am just doing nothing, learning about everything.  

God as my director shows me what doesn't work, and by doesn't work I mean, that of which keeps you in bondage to what wil not make you happy and more clarity driven like life is supposed to be.  

I have some built up resenments at work, I have some habits and another common addiction I am patiently waiting to be molded and made into more of me in a way that God loves, and my relationship with society and it's people just trying to live and survive like I, needs to be better, or at least more so peaceful.  The resentment of course all feel justified, so the debate of can I afford justified anger lingers. A few co-workers have done things that I disapprove of, and I do not have the respect necessary for them to care if I approve or not.  I think that level of "fuck you" to me, if it was up to me, if I was managing this deal, life and sobriety, would be unacceptable, but God allows it, so I have to ask myself, am I doing things in life, that is warranting someone else to be able to say "fuck you" to me, and it be the right thing to do?

I have to admit I do love being arrogant, and I do revel in the idea and exhibition that I am much smarter than some of my co-workers if not all of them.  However, I am finding that some of them aren't so stupid as they are just resentful like me, and the resentment of negative feelings we all are feeling from work, can affect our decision making skills.  Am I helping others with their decision making skills by not being problematic for them?  No, I am failing at that.  I am a bit too concerned with being a problem for others, and not really caring if they have a problem with that.  I am telling myself that I am willing to harm them in any way possible if they really have a problem with it, which I still have the power to admit, is a frightening thing.  

Work really is a great big problem, so much where I have to start considering doing something else.  With that being said, how well can I let go and let God?  How well can I practice a third step and let God direct, care, and love me so much where he controls and makes the whole plan going forward?  Do I have the courage to believe deeply that God, loves me so much that he has total control over all my outcomes, even the ones that infuriate me and make me not so sane?  For after all, it is not I who is going to solve being furious for others, and it is not I who I going to create an everlasting sanity for myself in the here and the after, it is the higher power I discovered and now can without a doubt proclaim, is as real as can be.  

Work is not so much the problem after I understand that as is my reluctance to change possibly?  That is a very positive revelation, because it runs along the theme of if I am the problem, then I can pray for a solution, but if something outside of me is the problem, solution might not come.  My problems are my problems, and they are way easier to recieve solutions for if I maintain that attitude.  

Can I admit I am struggling, and can I admit I am brain dead over how I respond to what life is giving me.  I have been dealing with the mismanagement through a heavy work out routine and fantasizing about others and myself sexually, when I am not trying to become rich, and I know this combination is not too uncommon among people, even though, it is very uncommon to admit it without fear of what a consequence could do to your worldly situation.  

What the point of holding onto it and keeping it to yourself if you're just going to get unclear doing so?  I can't speak for others and I can't live a life for others, so if they can't admit what they are doing, and it leads them to a very unclear and confused place mentally, I had no part in that.  That was their lack of courage decision.  

Going forward, I can say I am entirely ready to be clarity driven, but also, who cares what I think I am ready to do, God knows, so really mitigating my thoughts to be just thoughts, and more so mitigation of "thoughts from an ego" which I do have the option to downgrade as "thoughts that in the end won't mean shit", I've got another chance going forward at an awesome life.  

The humility it takes to go forward at this point I will now admit, is not there.  Through some basic accomplishments and the little power I have now by deciding to admit I was in fact born with alcoholism, and that sucks, because alcohol is awesome, and if I wasn't born with a predisposition to being the body and mind of a chronic alcoholic, I'd be drinking right now possibly, I have built up a decent sized base of pride that God, will need to erode or destoy I am guessing.  I don't know what God is going to do with my pride, but I do know most of it was built from insecurites and denials.  Security through lack of fear will be what I will tell God must be my way going forward, and then I'll just sit there never getting a response but believing it was heard.  

Making a list of people I have harmed, I am not willing to do, which could mean I drink, eventually from that.  I am not scared to drink again, and that for most is probably the wrong admission, but I know how deeply I have surrendured to this life, and I also know how powerless I am, despite not being able to confirm to others they are just as powerless, and that it is only God's mercy and grace that really gives them anything.  I know I have to be willing to heal others, in areas that I harm, and I also know I have a brain that is just interested in the harm, and that comes from unaddressed resentments that I feel are justified.  So, the justified resentments, are like wolves in sheeps clothing, and I have to let them go and give them to God.  That doesn't mean I won't still feel the emotions of hate, anger, lust, jealousy, greed, envy, all those "sins" that we as humans can't avoid, and being willing to do the opposite of harm, is a decent start if I am not willing to be willing to heal.  The opposite of harm could be nothing, it doesn't have to be so black and white like if I am not harming I am hurting, it can be I am neither harming nor hurting, and God does the healing, so it is better actually, because by doing nothing I also get to not play God.  

I've been pissing the opposite sex off a lot recently by trying to be their "god."  Most of that has to do with sex, I don't seem to piss the ones off that I am not physically attracted to, so can I admit to myself that I am creating harm, by assuming they don't already have a God that functions, and oh by the way, created all human beings?  I am not letting God and letting life enough.  I am trying to control people, places, and things, and that desire stems from my own insecurities, which become erased and filled with security when I am honest about them.  

I like I said am having a hard time amending things when wrong because of justified resentments.  The temptation to judge is great too, especially when I take a moral high ground too, like people should be perfect.  

Can I continue to take my life and what I am doing seriously, and try to be the best I can be, admitting when things are wrong, and I am not right?  I can always give an great effort.  

Can I improve my conscious contact with God?  I have no idea why someone would not want to do that honestly.  I don't really need the rituals though or the prayers, all I have to do is believe, and there he is, everywhere.  

Can I carry the message that if you were born, through no fault of your own, because it was probably a hereditary thing or God just wanted to do it, with alcoholism, you can live a decent, productive, honest, loving, and long life?  I don't know if I can carry that message, but I can direct people to the message that yes you can have a spiritual awakening if that sounds interesting to you through applying the teachings of AA to your life and believe system.