I know most of you who are regulars on this site have heard my complaining about my financial situation and one of my jobs recently.  Well I ended up getting opportunities to work for another company, and my first day was yesterday essentially.  Was it worth the amount of money I will see eventually?  If getting money was the end all above everything else, hell no it was not worth it.  However us in recovery know spiritual development is much more important than developing a Swarzenegger type bank account, so yes it was worth it if I look at it like a recovered person.

My line of work includes people who are constantly worn out, not caring if there are gaps in the process, and don't need an education to be hired.  Those people are usually being directed by apathetic people who also are too worn out to really care or make a difference, or overly ambitious people pissed off by the apathetic ones that demand we make a difference even though the landscape of the whole thing will make it very difficult to do.

Of course I do a lot of acting like that doesn't bother me, but it does on the inside, mainly because I have no control over being a perfectionist and have expectation things should go my way.  By the way, I'm just a low level employee who the company could do without if I look at it honestly.  

My alcoholism and ego forget to tell me yesterday I did get a free lunch, free parking, got to hear a person speak who had great things to say, and most importantly, got to serve others, and help the community.  

That's the problem with alcoholism and why I need to work daily to treat it, it always is advising me without facts or the whole story.  I think yesterday was a negative event in my mind because I did not start the day off getting centered and asking God to help me remember what is important today for me personally as a recovered alcoholic.  What is important for me personally today is that I am able to help, and me not choosing to be super critical of the details life has in it's plans to earn a living is so key.  

One way I can do that is to use the 11th step and ask to have a mind working with me today that is free from self-pity, resentment, dishonesty, fear, and a self-seeking attitude.  Another way to do that is to remember all the times alcoholism and mental illness made me so useless I was unable to be employed by other human beings.  It is good to remember the times I was either in jail, too depressed to move out of the bed, hungover, paralyzed by anger, paranoid off drugs, or straight up too delusional to get to work when someone was kind enough to let me try.  What makes it good to remember those realities is that now, I do have the power to do the opposite of all those things, and although the consequence now is just a little bit of irritability and stress, at the end of the day I do get my spiritual needs met, usually if I look hard enough, and most importantly I am helping others unselfishly.  

Working in the morning to get over a mind that might have waken up negative, is what recovering from alcoholism is all about in my opinion.  I will go to a meeting today, work with others both in AA and not in AA, and will try to keep aware through prayer that my job no longer is to be critical of the world and God, while trying to get more than my share and built a security through my own ideas, but to be unselfish, courageous, and take actions that build self-esteem and a better relationship with God and others.  

Will I be perfect?  Well the only perfect action I can take is I can admit without question it will not be perfect.  I can admit it will be tough, today the job I am working will include a bunch of demands that might not be sound, a bunch of "big deals" that when looked at honestly aren't that important, and like I said above, tons of people who need spiritual help, and patience with tolerance.  To get specific, my job will include driving today, and more than I want to do or feel like my car might be able to handle.  I had a plan for that, and it included less driving than the employer is asking.  The bottom line is others will be affected negatively if I were to tell the employer, "thanks but no thanks it is too much driving", and that is the end of the story.  My mind wants to tell me that it knows what is best for me, but if I look at the details of what demands are occuring outside of my own thoughts, it's clear that driving and particularly driving others not fortunate to even have cars is the best scenario for God and others, and I need to be obedient in understanding, it's not about me, it's about others and helping.  It's hard to accept but easy to understand if I do.      

Thanks for listening and I will end it with a gratitude list.  I am glad I live in America and have the choice to choose who I work for, even if that can be limited due to my past.  I am glad I have a group close to my home I can rely on for help.  I am happy I have transportation to get to the group.  I am happy I have some money to put gas in that transportation to ensure I get to where I need to go.  I am happy and grateful that I am not in jail, or in a third world Country oppressed by a maniac who is sick in his or her mind.  I am happy I have the 12 steps to rely on so I can have a confidence that things won't get worse if I say "screw it" and start drinking again.  I am grateful I have the peace and quiet I need this morning to get centered and remind myself what life is all about now that I have a goal and agenda to stay sober and unselfish.  

Yes today will be one where I work long hours, with little to no say in what those hours will have me doing in order to make a living, but today does not have to be a day where I am hating every second of it because it's not what I would have done if I were the God.