Hello jjit,

It seems to me as if you are dealing with a serious problem and while the cost of your wife’s drinking is an obvious negative, there are other potentially more serious consequences that you may want to consider. There are many red flags in your post and it may help to examine them one by one.

“Once in a while she gets super nasty with me..” People who get super nasty after drinking tend to have serious issues that are normally hidden but that are brought to the surface by alcohol consumption.

“She does not get hangovers, and has no problem functioning the day after a binge”. Heavy drinkers tend to view this as a badge of honour. In fact, it shows an increasing tolerance to alcohol and that is a sign of alcoholism. I have personal experience of this but for me, this reasonably steady state changed dramatically for the worse in a short space of time. On the matter of functioning the day after, you could ask the question, “Functioning, compared to what”?

“She drinks to numb herself to the stress of her job…” and “….hates her bosses and customers because they're all a bunch of abusive idiots.” These are classic justification techniques that are used by alcoholics. Although they are seldom aware of it, active alcoholics will always find a reason to drink, and they will usually blame other people. The reality is that they have become mentally obsessed with alcohol and must find a way to justify drinking.

“The only negative thing I can list about her consumption is the cost”. From my experience you will not know the real cost and it will probably be a lot higher than you imagine.

“Her tolerance is super high, so it takes very large volumes of alc.” Leaving aside all other possible negatives, you would be wise to consider the effect this sort of alcohol consumption is having on her health. Death by liver disease is a horrible experience.

“She has had regrets over some things she has done while drunk”. Someone who does not have a problem would remember those regrets and would not repeat the performance over and over.

“She has taken it upon herself to swear off the alc, but she has only ever lasted for 3 months at a time”. Now we are getting to the nub of the problem. First of all, people who do not have a problem do not generally swear off alcohol as they have no need to do so. Swearing off and lasting no more than three months is a telling factor. What your wife is doing is pitting her willpower against an overwhelming urge to drink. Willpower is fine for a while but the obsession for alcohol is so strong that it will eventually overcome even the strongest willpower.

“If theres a bottle of anything within reach, no matter how full, she will keep going until it's gone”. This is the clincher. Once your wife takes a drink, she develops a strong physical craving for more alcohol and each drink increases the craving. This is one of the symptoms of alcoholism.

I think that you already knew the answers but needed to get confirmation. What do you do now? Well, doing nothing is a very bad option as alcoholism is a progressive condition and it will get worse. You could have a talk with your wife when she is sober and encourage her to get help. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings would be a good start. Also, bear in mind that you are a victim of your wife’s condition and probably an enabler of her drinking. I would strongly urge you to check out Al-Anon and go to meetings in your area.

The video at the link below may be the most important education you will ever get.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMC62Y_5dyE

i can't argue any of the points you made. it is hard for me to agree that she has a problem because she's generally a pleasant drunk and i love her sexual response in the drunken state. without alc we are barely sexually active but with it it's like a ride at wet and wild. when i remind her of her behavior while drunk she is embarrassed about it and i see no earthly reason for her to be embarrassed. im her husband, she should be able to be as sexual as she wants without regret at any time. the thing is that off the alc, sometimes i approach her for sex and she treats me like a creepy perv. she goes through w the act because it's her wifely duty but neither of us feel good about it afterwards. she tried to initiate a 3some w my friend while drunk and blamed me for not stopping her. at one point she accused me of using a roofie on her. i felt like a monster.

Hello jjit,

It is hard to see that there is a problem unless you know a little bit about alcoholism and that is why I suggested watching the video.

As I see it, you need to separate a couple of things here, that is your need for sex and your wife’s survival. I cannot say that she is an alcoholic but all of the signs point in that direction. If she is alcoholic and does not address the problem, it is quite likely that she will lose everything, up to and including her life. You might ask yourself which is more important, wild sex or your wife’s survival.

Generally, when people feel good and confident about themselves, they are more likely to enjoy sex. Maybe if you support your wife and encourage her to seek treatment that she would feel that way. If you felt like a monster over being accused of something before, how would you feel if you were watching a wooden box being lowered into the ground?

It’s time to start thinking with the head instead of the other organ my friend, or you will have serious regrets later.

the possibility of her killing herself with drink does not present as an immanent threat when my normally anti-sexual wife turns into a walking porn fantasy with just a little help from sutter home. the thing is that i am starting to realize that the drunken mess i am having sex with is not really my wife. i am curious to know why she can act like the drunk and then be disgusted by her own behavior once she sobers up. i dont want her to have to get drunk in order to be the slut monster. it doesnt compute to me that someone can have a completely different level sexual behavior when drinking. im not that way. anything id do drunk, id do sober, and i certainly wouldnt be embarrassed when the fog cleared. i feel tempted to ask what is so repulsive about me when shes sober? it's like im coyote ugly when sober and she just doesn't care when drunk. i have almost no bounderies when it comes to sex. i was totally willing to do the 3some. but when sober shes like a nun. something is off and its not just her drinking.

the other thing is how do i tell her to get help or take the drink out of her hand without feeling like her father. im not an authotity over her. i feel like im ruining the party. the health consequences of her drinking have to be the motivation here and im having a very tough time coming around to that realization. i feel like i need to be pushed. i hate that i like the drunk more.

Hello jjit,

It looks like you’re not getting the point here. Your wife is slowly killing herself and all you seem to care about is satisfying your sexual urges. What you do is your own business and I have no desire to lecture you but don’t you think that your attitude is extremely selfish?

Maybe your wife feels like she is being viewed as a piece of meat and that there is no love involved in your relationship. Maybe if you start to think more about her and less about yourself that you would see an improvement.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but like I said before, it’s time to start thinking with your brain instead of your dick.

Sir, you are enabling your wife's drinking and you are just as sick as she is, In my humble opinion. I hope you both get help before one or both of you die from your disease!

I will pray for you

God Bless

im not the one making the trips to the liquor store. im not pouring her drinks. i am not telling her i want her to drink nor implying it. she started drinking when she was 13, i didnt meet her till she was 21. she didnt seem to have a problem then. now she is 32 and i dont know where any of this came from other than she hates me for a reason she wont share w me. i have a hard time convincing myself that it is my role to fix a problem she created. i think i feel like shed leave me if she ever sobered up long enough. how am i to make myself ok with that?

A woman's libido comes later in life. She may of been assaulted previously. That high functioning no hangover is actually a lie, I'm tired as shit the next day. Truth is she may leave you or you two may grow together through her recovery. Not going to lie you're really immature or narcissistic or something. It's all I and me and what you want, meanwhile she's destroying her body and mental wellness. Alcoholics need our families support. Your helping her kill herself, but hey, maybe you will meet someone new who can be freaky in bed with you. All good.

Yes I am narcissistic. Guilty as charged. I am scheduled to start seeing a behavioral therapist about this issue next week. I have never been the one to be the bigger person and I also did not think the role of husband to include being a caretaker. The thing is that she has not hit a bottom with her alcoholism. It would be easy for me if she were a mean drunk, but she's more mean sober. I dispute the notion that I am helping her kill herself. Her drinking is in no way my fault. What I am coming to realize is that she doesn't really like me all that much, and to be honest she is in good company. If our marriage dissolves, or she dies prematurely due to her drinking I would most likely never be in a relationship ever again. I could not bare losing her, but I can't do it for her.

Your first three words explains the whole reason why you are here, "I feel guilty"! You already know that due to the alcohol, you are in a highly dysfunctional relationship! You wish it could be normal but know deep inside, that it cannot be because you are with a sick woman who probably has a defective liver by now, who is in need of medical intervention!

I am glad to see you are getting therapy! There is alot more to life then the one you are living. If you are interested, Alanon may be of help to you. You can google meetings in your area.

God Bless

Jjit you're right, you can't control her drinking. Support doesn't mean control over someone else. Support means being a person she is accountable to or supporting her decision to be accountable to someone else ie aa groups or clergy or whatever. Support is not drinking around her, bringing booze into the house. Changing your own patterns when she chooses to drink. For instance, and pardon my being so frank, not allowing anymore drunk sex. I know that's huge for you but it will also help reframe your thinking on how much you like her drunk. Get rid of that perk and then you will see how destructive her drinking feels.

Sometimes the concern of others about our drinking problems is what we need to hear. Actually it is exactly what we need to hear. Healthy relationships aren't pleasing each other in self destructive ways, You have every right to want her to live a long healthy life with you after that many years together. You have the right to request less chaos in your life. You have the right to ask her to work with you on your guys' sex life.

I can only speak from personal experience but when I lose all inhibitions and have relations with my hubs, the next day I don't feel like yay i was a freak in bed and pleased him, I feel used and dirty...even though it was with my hubs. I even resent him for allowing me to behave so dirty because he knows I wouldn't do that sober. The trust, sexual trust, is lost. For the last 10 years I told him I do not want to have drunk sex and if he allowed it then i consider it rape because he knows sober me said no. I know that's hard to grasp for men for reasons I don't understand but it is my right to not feel used or taken advantage of in my inebriated state.

I hope that helps.

sober her would go without sex at all if i let her. it seems that she would like to purge all sexual relations completely. i on the other hand always want more more more. i dont understand the concept of feeling dirty about sex. she has told me that while drunk i could be anyone as long as i was a penis w a pulse but when sober she is preoccupied with all of thr reasons shed rather not be having sex. if i didn't tell her sex was special to me we wouldn't have any at all. i have issues with emotional expression. during sex the flood gates open for me but she considers sex and emotional expression to be incompatible. the thing is that the way im wired, the more intense my build to orgasm is the more intense my emotions get. she thinks this is twisted and perverse. when she drinks i get none of those judgements, she just let me be who i am because im a faceless penis that she doesnt care about. i dont understand how she can be so Jekyll and Hyde with her attitudes and approach to sex.

Eliminate all unhealthy factors in your lives and start fresh with some good couples counselling to help each other get on the same page. Hate to say it but unless there is change this is your future. Sounds like both of you have a lot of growing to do. Two people are two totally different paths never works as well as working together. Best of luck.

It sounds like your wife's mental health issues are triggering her drinking. She would benefit greatly by attending an in or outpatient treatment program like I did. Every hospital has one. You can either contact the alcohol and substance abuse center at your local hospital where they will give you an evaluation, or, you can get a doctor's referal. Either way will work, in the USA.

I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless