Hi all
Well I have posted on this board before, its been close to a year, maybe more. I know I have a problem. Husband is an alcoholic and maybe I wouldn't have turned to alcohol in my depression if I hadn't had it around so much? I don't know. Husband says I'm not an alcoholic, but I know I am. He is too, and he acknowledges that he is. He's not home enough to see that I am. He's a long haul truck driver and is only home a few days a month. We are functional alcoholics. I turn to alcohol and food to make my pain stop. Over the last 12 years I more than doubled my weight and started drinking. I am a social drinker, but it was rare for me as my friends and I outgrew that "pub and bar scene" But when I got involved with my hubby, we drank all the time. But he drank a lot more. I would come home from work and he'd be so drunk....he would start drinking in the morning. That was never me. I hated him for it for a year or so...then we he went back to work as a truck driver, I started drinking by myself. So it's probably been 2009/2010 when I started drinking on the nights I when I didn't have to work the next day. It was probably around 2011 when it became an almost nightly thing. Depending on my shift the next day and what time I had to get up was how I gauged how much I drank. It ranged from 4-14. Sometimes none if I had to get up at 5:30am. 14 on bad days when I was off for the weekend.

I stopped for a few months when we moved in with my mom and dad. We could pay our bills, that wasn't why we moved in with them. We were given notice in our condo so my dad thought why not move in with them for a year and save some money. Hubby and I were trying to decide about moving so it would be better for us location wise with his trucking. So this made sense. Well I did admit to my mom that I drank some. But I lied about how much. I sometimes snuck in 2 singles and drank them in my room, but for a good 6 months I was maybe having 2 drinks a week, sometimes none at all. Hubby would sometimes sneak a 6 pack in when he was home. My parents aren't the type to have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner so I felt weird drinking in front of them unless it was a family gathering or something. Sure I'm an adult, but I also have a problem.

The year is almost up and I keep thinking YES! I can stop sneaking snacks and beer. But I'm also frightened. The last 2-3 months I have been off work on stress leave. I drink about 5 nights a week and have a six pack and 2 rock stars vodka drinks. Plus I usually eat a bag of chips with that. I'm making 25% less of my wages and really shouldn't be spending this extra $20-25 almost daily. I lost 44 lbs the first 6-7 months at my parents. Because I wasn't drinking and was eating healthier. I've gained 14lbs back and I'm sure it's noticeable. No one says anything because my parents have there own issues with snacking. I have a problem. I'm killing myself with snacks and with alcohol.

I'm also leaving my husband. Drinking is not really the reason why, though he has abused me verbally many times and that I can't stand for anymore. There are many issues involved other than the drinking. I'm a hypocrite if I say I'm leaving him because he's an alcoholic. I have the "Women who love too much" disorder and I've put up with too much for too long. I'm scared of what will happen to me in the grieving process when I'm separated from Hubby and then divorced. That's why I've come here. I'm considering AA. I hate being back here, but this is where I need to be
Thanks for listening :)