Hello rummi,

Not all alcoholics are binge drinkers and not all binge drinkers are alcoholics although binge drinking does lead to alcoholism in many cases.

Developing alcoholism is a process that takes time and people react differently during various stages of the journey. I do not know if your husband is an alcoholic but my guess is that if he is alcoholic, he is in the very early stages where he can still exercise his willpower to control drinking. Consequently, he can go out to dinner and drink a beer or two and have the willpower to stop at that. Although I dislike the term, what some people call a true alcoholic will immediately develop a craving in the body for more alcohol once a drink or two are taken and that physical craving is so strong that it overcomes willpower.

I fear that you are skating on thin ice when you try to forbid your husband to drink as in his eyes he may see that as nagging and justification for drinking more. If he is not an alcoholic there would be little harm in him having a few drinks several times per week as many normal drinkers do. However, if he cannot do that and starts to drink more and more or drinks more often then there would be cause for concern. At the end of the day it is for your husband to decide whether or not he is an alcoholic. The trouble is that most people dont know what an alcoholic is until it is too late.

There are plenty of resources that will allow your husband and you to educate yourselves about alcoholism and I would suggest doing that. The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous) is a good starting point.

My wife thought I was drinking once or twice a month....wrong. If he's a drunk like me, he's drinking 5 times for every one time you are aware of. The disease is so crazy that an alcoholic can some how convince themselves that they are only drinking once or twice a month b/c that's all their wife etc...see. Reality is, he's probably drinking a lot more often than you think....if he's a drunk like me.

From my own personal experience, and this is only my experience because I have no idea if there is a set diagnosis or not. BUT, I will say that I used to be a binge drinker back in the day and that most days I didn't drink at all, some days I'd have only a couple, and once in awhile I'd get wasted to the point of blacking out. NOW, the days of having a couple are completely gone, and the days of having none are very few and I have to actively try not to drink the first one.

There is a clear distinction for my ways being a binge drinker and now being an alcoholic. I think if you are entirely accurate on how often he drinks and his drinking habits, that he may not be an alcoholic yet, but may be on the road to becoming one.

In either case, binge drinking is unhealthy and if he is past his college partying days, he is probably at a point in life where he should quit doing that. If he can socially drink without problems, I wouldn't try to control his drinking.........you can't do that for him anyway.

Giday RI, your description of your hubby is similar to my story, albeit I binged more that a couple of times a month, more likely weekly. However, I am an alcoholic, this statement is more about what happens when I drink that how much I drink. As you suggested for me I can not control how much I drink when I START to drink.

As for having a couple then not drinking more I could on occasions do that if there was a pressing reason. I could limit myself to one or two if I had to drive, however, the internal battle in my head was torture to not keep drinking. And if I got to a place where I could drink after these time I would normally drink again. IE two at the restaurant but finished the job when I got home.

Good luck G8

Thank you all for your wonderful replies. I try to research the topic as much as I can to understand the disease but it is so difficult to put in perspective at times. My father was an alcoholic when I was a child and I remember him being very aggressive with my mom and very annoying in behavior. He would piss on himself and pass out in the front lawn and completely embarrass me and my brothers. He was like this for many years until at the age of 14 I finally told him that if he didnt stop I would end up dead because I could no longer handle it. He says that it took that knowing to help him stop drinking. Keep in mind he had about 4 heart attacks before he made the decision to stop. So My dad has been sober now 25 years now and I cannot express enough how proud I am to be his daughter. He showed me through his sobriety that I was far more important to him than the bottle and he let it go just like that, cold turkey. My mom says that it took years to beleive he truly was sober but he did and that to me is true measure of his love for me. I love my daddy dearly.

So now I have this husband who I realize is not the drunk my father was but still consumes alcohol in a way that I find disturbing. He will drink Vodka on ice or whiskey. He likes the hard stuff. If I let him drink it I think he would totally become my father pissed on the front lawn. I surely do not want that. And this is why I ask him to not drink at all. But I realize that perhaps I am a hypocrite because I enjoy my occasional drink too. I drink a glass or two of wine maybe twice a month. Its not often that I crave but I would be lying to say that I dont enjoy it. The thing is I dont see myself in any danger of becoming like my dad as I see my husband. Am I wrong for this?

Hi. I can certainly see how your father's previous behavior has instilled fear in you about your husband. (BTW, good for your father for kicking the habit and turning his life around!)

Your husband is not your father. I fear that if you continue to nag at him about drinking at home, he'll eventually find someplace else to go. Then that could lead to even bigger problems.

Unfortunately, we can't control other people's actions. If the situation continues and gets worse, then you need to start making some decisions about what you will and will not tolerate.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you!

Wow I just want to thank you for posting because it reminds me of all the crap I heaped on my wife.

I pray for you to find a balance
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Rummi- I'd say you married your dad in as much as you are repeating the role of The Rescuer.

Did you tell your husband this? If he still binges, knowing your traumas, whether or not he's an alcoholic, it's disregarding your feelings and he's valuing getting drunk over his wife.

That's a crappy thing to do, no matter what you call it.

Make this about your marriage; NOT the alcohol. That piece will fall into place once he realizes he's choosing the drink over you.

A binge drinker is the same as an alcoholic. In both cases once the drinking starts the compulsion takes over. The difference between the two is that the binge drinker has better control over the obsession to drink. He can go months without drinking. The other type of alcoholic may not have any control of the obsession and drink daily, or some control to limit drinking to weekends etc. Thus the difference between the two is the length of time of abstinence.

He is an alcoholic, nonetheless.

This reminds me of my dad who started out as a weekend alcoholic. I think that may have been what got him through the workweek, was having a weekend of drinking to look forward to.

Then he became a binge drinker, drinking for 3 weeks to a time and then stopping for a few months. He developed brain damage from his binge drinking and lost the ability to walk at times, as a result.

To me, binge drinking is the worst kind of drinking. IMHO

Good Luck!

I guess I fall into the binge drinking category. Although I haven't researched the matter I feel that I am an alcoholic whose obsession/addiction has simply manifested itself differently than some. I could have one drink in an evening or nothing and be fine...but I looked forward to 'going out' and those times nearly always involved getting blackout drunk. if I really consciously held back I could sometimes manage to 'just' get drunk rather than passing out...but this was the exception and not the rule. For all intents and purposes, my only acceptable route forward is to give up drinking for good. My turning point involved looking in the mirror while feeling recovery guilt and suddenly realizing I had a lot of things to lose and so many things that could be better but for the booze.

I hope your husband figures out soon what's truly valuable in his life.

I'd be privileged to share my own characteristics with you, I am a real alcoholic.

One significant trait I have is I completely change after I take the first drink. By completely change I mean it's obvious the alcohol had a different effect on me than a normal person. If I were at a party and had committed to not drinking before hand, however began to during, my disposition would be so different it would be abnormal for the casual observer not to have noticed it.

Secondly even though when I did drink it brought trouble in some shape or form every time, I continued thereafter. For instance when I would abstain for a period of time, then drink, the morning after something would always either go wrong or feel wrong. A normal drinker would view the problem as a problem and the solution would be at least consideration of no longer drinking the next day. I on the other hand would honestly believe the solution was another drink.

Alcoholics Anonymous, which I recommend for anyone who has a drinking problem (even if not alcoholic by attending their open meetings) speaks of a great amount of signs or traits a person can use to determine if they are truly alcoholic. A significant test is if the potential alcoholic can control their drinking. For instance can the person go into a bar, take a drink, abruptly put the drink down and not be effected or affected by doing so. Non-alcoholic drinkers drink alcohol like it is just a beverage. Although alcohol alters feelings and mood, it nevertheless is still just a simple drink to them. The alcoholic sees the drink as if it were food in a famine, it is not just a drink, it's a game changer.

A secret I had for a long time was I knew intuitively that I was an alcoholic right when I started drinking. I can't tell you exactly what it was but I knew I used alcohol in a problematic fashion that felt normal to me but odd to others. I've been around loads of heavy drinkers and that may be your husband's issue. The heavy drinker loves his/her alcohol, but doesn't consider it necessary to survival when problems arise.

Every time someone had tried to either stop or limit my drinking I showed irritation and anger but on the inside I knew they were doing the right thing and I had little argument in my favor. Actually I had no argument in my favor. I was arrested for DWI in my early 20's and knew I needed to quit alcohol so much inherently that I during sentencing took a probation that was considerably more difficult than the other choice, specifically because it would hinder the ability to drink alcohol. My point is if he is a real alcoholic and is like me he knows he needs to be alcohol free on a conscious level in order to sustain happiness.

From my experience compassionate support is the best way to deal with a real alcoholic. I've witnessed lots of cases where tough love backfired and in my own case gave me another reason to continue drinking. I agree that heavy drinking or a person who refuses to abide by rules could benefit from the tough love approach. I'm saying this in reference to throwing his bottles away, a real alcoholic would equate throwing a bottle of unused alcohol away as losing a commodity one needed to survive in a crisis.

The good news is your husband from this standpoint sounds like he just enjoys drinking alcohol and relaxing for considerable periods of time. The reality is I have no qualifications to say if he is a true alcoholic or not, nor do I wish to for his sake. That might sound like a joke but it's in all sincerity. I have no interest in proclaiming or identifying your husbands drinking problem, but I know you do as his spouse, so I would suggest prayer (even if you're not religious) and also candid talks about why he drinks or what his true stance is on his alcohol use. This will allow him to identify his own discoveries about alcohol in his life and for your benefit as well possibly how it is more specifically effecting you.

I wish you well and thanks for allowing me to participate in recovery.

OPK- that was me, only I'd stay home and do it. Plus, the frequency was getting very scary. Really, I was kidding myself.

Now, I don't drink at all. I feel a lot safer that way.

Hi rummi, you've had some thought provoking answers here. I think Al-Anon might be a good consideration for you or some counselling to deal with all that fear and humiliation you experienced as a direct result of your father's alcoholism.

Did your husband binge drink before you married? If so, did you think you could change his drinking habits then?

it would be helpful to both you and your husband to realise nothing good comes out of trying to control one or the other's behaviour. It often leads to resentment and/or inappropriate reaction. It's up to your husband to diagnose himself and he will probably only do that if he is unhappy with how he drinks. Any complexity that involves mental health is notoriously difficult to cope with - for the one affected and those closest to him or her.

The only thing you can decidedly change is your own thinking and behaviour.