Alcoholism Support Group
Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.
I have decided that I just can't drink.
The obsessions I have had for the past few weeks took on a different form than in the past. I never actually went to the store to drink NOW, but I obsessed over WHEN later I would be able to drink.
Should I drink tomorrow or 2 weeks from now? Should I wait until hubby leaves town again? Should I encourage him to go visit his family for a week or two? Should I convince him I am not really an alcoholic, but just went through a bad phase? Should I convince him I can drink once in awhile? What will I tell my sponsor? Will I blow off my friends here on DS? Will I just disappear? I wonder if I could just disappear and become a homeless drunk begging on the streets?
And then there have been the nagging thoughts of HOW I could pull off another drink or how I could continue a drinking lifestyle.
Can I drink at night just a bottle of wine? No, I'll end up drinking until 3 and be trashed at work. I'll smell like booze and clients will complain. Can I start a binge this Friday? No because I'll never make it to my bro's for the Superbowl. Can I drink this summer? No because eventually I'll stop going to work. Can I drink if hubby leaves for a few months. No WAY, I will definitely lose my job and end up dead or in the hospital. I am afraid now when I plan to drink, as though my life might end. I can't drink for fear of killing myself. I DON'T want to hurt ANYONE ANYMORE. If I keep drinking, I will continue hurting people. I just don't want to hurt anyone.
You see, I just can't drink. I can't figure out HOW I can possibly drink ever again. If I do drink, I know now that it WILL be a choice. I was up most of last night trying to figure out IF I could drink again. Then I spent the rest of the night depressed because I now realize that I just can't. There is just NO way that I can make it work.
Sorry so long... Just had to get it out.... Maybe someone else newly sober can relate. Despite all the negative thoughts, I think this is a good realization.
The obsessions I have had for the past few weeks took on a different form than in the past. I never actually went to the store to drink NOW, but I obsessed over WHEN later I would be able to drink.
Should I drink tomorrow or 2 weeks from now? Should I wait until hubby leaves town again? Should I encourage him to go visit his family for a week or two? Should I convince him I am not really an alcoholic, but just went through a bad phase? Should I convince him I can drink once in awhile? What will I tell my sponsor? Will I blow off my friends here on DS? Will I just disappear? I wonder if I could just disappear and become a homeless drunk begging on the streets?
And then there have been the nagging thoughts of HOW I could pull off another drink or how I could continue a drinking lifestyle.
Can I drink at night just a bottle of wine? No, I'll end up drinking until 3 and be trashed at work. I'll smell like booze and clients will complain. Can I start a binge this Friday? No because I'll never make it to my bro's for the Superbowl. Can I drink this summer? No because eventually I'll stop going to work. Can I drink if hubby leaves for a few months. No WAY, I will definitely lose my job and end up dead or in the hospital. I am afraid now when I plan to drink, as though my life might end. I can't drink for fear of killing myself. I DON'T want to hurt ANYONE ANYMORE. If I keep drinking, I will continue hurting people. I just don't want to hurt anyone.
You see, I just can't drink. I can't figure out HOW I can possibly drink ever again. If I do drink, I know now that it WILL be a choice. I was up most of last night trying to figure out IF I could drink again. Then I spent the rest of the night depressed because I now realize that I just can't. There is just NO way that I can make it work.
Sorry so long... Just had to get it out.... Maybe someone else newly sober can relate. Despite all the negative thoughts, I think this is a good realization.
Now I would recommend you get working on the steps and stay focused and connected. Now is not the time to let your guard down, even a little. Cause that little monster will start to try to convince you that you're wrong. Stay connected girly!!
Every morning when I was at this point (and still to this day) on the way to work I would pray "God, please help me to stay focused and positive & to be kind to every person I encounter..."
Even if you struggle with the "higher power" thing right now, do it anyway. I did, that's what I was told to do....then one day....it came. :)
Have a good day & stay focused! :)
Then, like you, I got to that decision that I can't drink, don't drink and that's it. Most days I'm fine with it. But now and then I feel that old bargining voice, "hey it's Friday... or hey, I've proved I can stop..I'll stop after one little booze-up..."
You're doing great! Keep talking to yourself and assorted supportive people!
:)Lisa(:
Oh, and you may look like a bag lady at times, but you don't have to live on the streets as if you had no choice in the matter. I would find you anyways. I'm a knowing what you looking like in them there clothes!!!
Love ya sweets, and good deal!
So instead you say, You CAN. You can laugh and live in peace. You can be proud of yourself. YOu can set goals and earn rewards. Self-imposed rewards. You can live without fear, without secrecy, and shame. You can read and you can learn and when you learn stuff, you can reach out and do some good in this world. You, just you, Olive, you can do so much, if you put "Can" in action.
Awesome post, girl!
This is a good post and I like your reasoning. Now be careful at the super-bowel party, because it's an exciting day for us Hoosiers!
Even though I feel defeated, I am a little hopeful that the obsession is going to have to leave me alone.
Alcoholism is an unsolvable puzzle unless I just don't drink. That is the only answer that will work.