I do not feel good today.  I am going to attempt to see why, by looking at what my feelings are feeling.  

I like how AA asks me to see my feelings in three different categories.  First my "pocketbook", what are my feelings about my financial security? Second my insides, how secure am I on the inside? Including my thoughts and behaviors.  Third how are my feelings about the outside, society, relationships, the world.  

So, Financial, Personal, and then Social.  

What are my feelings financially?  I am feeling apprehension, I am feeling anxiety, I am feeling uncertainty, I am feeling frustration, I am feeling ignorant, I am feeling insecure, I am feeling burdened, I am feeling very poor.  Are these feelings supported by a reality or greater truth? 

I think the apprehension, the anxiety, the uncertainty, and the frustration aren't supported by honest truth.  I think these are all fear driven, and backed by an over-confidence in myself, that is in denial of how poor I really am.  I act like I am rich, and I act like I have money, but if I broke it down, I have a poor credit score, I have a car that is nearing the 200,000 mile mark, I live in a neighborhood that is lower class, and I have no career.  I would say that is probably the acute reason deep inside that I am apprehensive, anxiety fueled, uncertain, and frustrated.  Maybe if I was more honest about that with people who are much more well off than I, they might help me more.  I have a bad habit of "frontin", or simply acting like I am something I am not, this is a character defect I am entirely ready to get rid of, I want to be authentic and genuine, as hard as it is when full of so much fear.  That fear gives rise to a pride that I cannot count on, and as a matter of fact, I know it will not accept help, because of it's other bretheren called, hate, envy, lust, sloth, gluttony, and greed.  All of those should have to be removed if I were to recieve help from man, it would be for that man's benefit, and that is why the literature aimed to help a man not stay drunk says, no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.  Only a God could remove that much defect if a man has already seen his own powerlessness to do so.    

Feeling ignorant, insecure, burdened, and very poor I do think aren't functioning in dishonesty as much, but more so again, fear.  I will say the amount of ignorance I am confronted with in my mind was generated by my own selfishness as a younger person.  I did not have the power to not be selfish when I was younger, and I didn't listen a bunch when I should have been.  I am happy to say I listen much more now.  My insecurity in this portion has to do with a false belief that I only serve this world.  This world and it's love affair with financial independence.  I have to remember God rather likes me insecure, and the more insecure I am, the more he can instruct others to help me when I am in great need of it, due to the finite insecurity that is driving me mad and towards paranoid meltdowns.  I am happy to say that other people have been the resolutions to my paranoia, and have saved me countlessly in ordinary times from becoming victimized by my own uncontrollable paranoia.  I am grateful that I became paranoid to the level I have in the past because it really broadened my relationship with others in the world and how good they can be.  I'd be freaking out on the inside quiet as a mouse on the outside, and someone's genuine kindness or gentle encouragment would cut into it, and make it disappear in seconds, so I think feeling the insecurity is just another way of God wanting me to know people don't have to be the enemy, and more often than not, are true friends. 

Not sure what feeling burdened is about?  I can say I have trouble with small tasks.  For instance cleaning.  When I clean, I do a good job, but I do a better job of making it dirtier than it was before I cleaned, shortly after.  I mean like in the same day.  This makes me feel unworthy, and unacceptable.  So I try again, and the same thing happens.  That all builds up to be a burden.  The burden of knowing I'll get a job done, but then make it more challenging the next time, almost so challenging that I want to say "fuck it" and start throwing yogurt and sauce for pastas all over the walls out of spite.  So the burdened feeling, I think is just my own powerlessness, and the acute knowledge that I am not God, but want to be so badly, just to change the feelings, that might not always be so Godly. 

The feeling burdened realization is a tough one because it forces me to know that even if I were God, which I will never be, to know God is to not know God, and if God wants my feelings to be my feelings, changing them would make them not my feelings, and feelings matter, I am 100 percent sure of it now after years of being a zero feelings having bastard, so me being God, means wanting to have no feelings, which would be horrible for others.  My feeling of being burdened is delusional.  I am burdened because I am in denial of something that is inside of my feelings.  It is no coincidence that my next feeling is I am feeling very poor. 

The feeling of very poor is a mixed current of false and true cognition.  For instance I check my credit score regularly.  It's it poor, well it wavers between fair and poor.  If I were to idolize the man made creation, I should be contained in a pool of my own tears every day based on what it is telling me.  However, I've noticed the aggregate is biased.  I've noticed that negative actions on a credit report are exacerbated so much more than the positive actions.  If it were a 1 to 1 ratio, it would be much more dependable, but it is not, I have poor credit, but if you look at my actions more or less they are balanced, for instance, I've let go of three accounts, but have paid well on three others.  Well actually I am lying, let me start over. 

I feel like I should be special in this area, and the real truth is I have not taken the blessing of credit in this world as anything other than an entitlement.  If I am honest, I've probably treated 3 out of 10 accounts with complete respect, which is fucking embarrassing and absolute grounds for keeping that completely to myself if I were running the show.  I cannot let King Cash or Financial Wizards know I am a poor subject when it comes to the back and forth respect factor in making money for both sides.  I'm a broke ass nigga, like they say in pop culture now a days, and it's bombardment on my secure feelings can take a toll.  Feeling poor I know is because I feel guilty.  I feel very guilty about how my selfishness and I decided as a foundation I would take opportunity for granted and see privilages as entitlements.  I've got to step out of my ego and say to my inner core, "you're not feeling poor, you are guilty of treating anything that needs it's own healthy and financial security to be strong, including financial security as a whole itself, like it was dogshit, less than you."  On top of that, my numbers look like shit too, credit score less than 700 is trash, but yet I call people trash all the time, and it is because I don't have the courage to withstand the pain of my own guilt.  I have to look at my guilt as a blessing, but also as a deadly one, that will need to be removed by a higher power, that I do not understand, if I am to earn and ever provide. 

I am trying to blame the credit system as the problem when I know it is nothing but grace economically.  I don't have to hate myself for being an error in this area though, I can do the right thing as a next step, and keep my eye on the past, so it is not repeated. 

Today I try to address my credit, but can't afford to get sad when lenders see me as risky.  I should be walking up to them patting them on the back saying "good job", but my illness of alcoholism would rather me not do such a bold and honest action because it's foothold is me feeling guilty, feeling sad, feeling wrong, so I can then drink, and become "right" (according to it). 

Feeling right today though is maintaining a sobriety, and some say sobriety means "constantly temperate" meaning the right temperature all the time. 

How am I feeling Personally?  Personally I feel very negative, all the time.  I'd say my inner spirit animal is Debbie Downer upon awakening.  Personally I feel unaware, terrified a lot, as if I am not common, it is as if I feel ingrained in an existence that I cannot wiggle out of even if my wiggles were spastic jerks that shocked those physically around me but made those not physically around me warm with terribly hilarious laughter.  I just feel so married to this feeling of negativity and pessimism.  That is exactly why others being positive can be so helpful, I get to not wallow in who I am concreted to (my self) and imagine a life that is positive, without any fear of that positivity being attacked or trimmed.  The why in the negative feeling, I am not sure I can answer in one sitting.  Why is one negative when one is negative?  Well one being negative is probably the best answer.  The being is negative in me, so I can either embrace that negativity, like the insecurity above, and rely on others ability to be secure and positive, as a witnessing and audience, or I can focus on my own negativity and see it positive perversely.  I would feel less secure if I did the latter, so I'll just keep praying that more positive influences show up in this God timeline. 

How am I feeling Socially?  Socially I feel awkward, keen in the negative or in the percieved sense, I feel heavy socially, I feel bound to gravity, I feel like that binding is a very favorable force though.  Everyone in the world terrifies me.  I cannot break it down any simpler.  I wish I knew why, but my first instinct when someone, anyone, comes into my space is, "Oh fuck, what are they going to do to me?"  LOL.  Again, I front, and act like I don't even know they are alive, but socially I am anti-social because people affect me a lot.  Their laughs, their cries, their love, their joys, their aggravations, their sighs of displeasure, and their need to meet their needs, along with distractions to get their wants, it all cuts into me, and makes me so uninterested in what I want to zone in on, and that is how much I hate society.  I've got to give credit to others again, if there were no people in the world or if they were temperarily suspended for 30 days, I'd be sitting in a room in the corner, hands on the head, zoning, in the zone, of hate for the world, just locked in, straight hating, but when I am in the world, and society shows me how people are so precious and so interesting, I don't have time to hate mentally, and I do have the power to not generate it in my mind or psychology.  It's a huge gift, getting to witness others in society, so I feel bad socially because of the enforcment policy right now due to the Coronavirus pandemic.  I have been returning to my roots as an artistic young man though, and that's been very fun, and the knowledge that socially it is better to be a part of than a part not of. 

Feelings, and how they feel.  With all the being said, feelings change, and feelings for me have become a way to examine if I want to progress or not.  Sometimes progressions aren't the best possible route when you have solutions that are consistent in their solutions, but I think consistently addressing and confronting feelings to see if they have validity are very integrity driven moves.