this too shall pass is how my mind handles stuff like this...depression sux...fact....but usually it comes and goes with outside rally of some kind...for me it is when money comes in depression leaves...but I fully understand the birthday jitters...had the damn things myself at one year and several other milestones too...but again this too shall pass....

and I hated others pointing that out to me ! LOL surely I just got on your resentment list! haha

Hmmm... You sound like a Calvinist at the Inquisition, and you didn't mention fun.

Taradactyl I can completely relate to the dark place you speak of. Being Bi-polar after the fun part comes the crash and the darkness. I have also slipped into self harm. I hope you can keep your head above the darkness. It sounds like you have come so far, that is a lot to be thankful for.

Not good, Anna. Sorry you are in a bad place, but I am glad you are talking to your sponsor and venting here.

I'm trying to think what I can say that might help. Everything I can think of sounds a bit pollyannaish -- exercise, make sure you eat -- get that juicer going, girl. Go through the motions even if it is difficult. Go to meetings, stay in touch with your sponsor. Etc.

None of that seems right -- I mean it is and you should do all of it. But I wish I could figure out what to say that would make a difference, that would help you get through this.

Do you remember when I told you The Horse Whisperer?. The horse, Pilgrim, was in a horrible accident with his rider, a girl named Grace -- they were hit by a truck. They both suffered great injury, with physical and mental scars that ran deep.

Tom, the horse trainer, took a long time to gain their trust and when he couldn't see any other way, he "laid the horse down," hobbling him and working him until he was on his side, broken:

"Pilgrim snorted like a wounded bull. There was foam spewing at his mouth. His flanks were filthy where the sand had stuck to his sweat. Again he fought for a long time. But again it was too much. And at last, slowly, he keeled over on his side and lay his head on the sand and was still.

It seemed to like a total, humiliating surrender."....

Tom called Grace over, had her stroke Pilgrim, as he lay in the dirt, then demanded that she stand on him:

"Grace started to cry. He took her hand and led her into the curve of Pilgrim's belly.

'Now step up. Go on, step up on him.'

And she did. And with the tears streaming on her face, she stood frail, like a maimed soul, on the beaten flank of the creature she loved most in all the world and sobbed at her own brutality.

Tom turned and saw Annie [Grace's mom] was crying too but he paid no attention and turned back to Grace and told her she could now get down.

'Why are you doing this?' Annie begged. 'It's so cruel and humiliating.'

'No, you're wrong.' He was helping Grace to get down and didn't look at Annie. 'What?' Annie said scornfully. 'You're wrong. It's not cruel. He had the choice.' 'What are you talking about?' He turned and looked at her at last. Grace was still crying beside him, but he paid her no heed. Even in her tears, the poor girl seemed as unable as Annie to believe Tom could be like this, so hard and pitiless. 'He had the choice to go on fighting life or to accept it.'

'He had no choice.'

'He did. It was hard as hell, but he could have gone on. Gone on making himself more and more unhappy. But what he chose to do instead was to go to the brink and look beyond. And he saw what was there and he chose to accept it.'

He turned to Grace and put his hands on her shoulders. 'What just happened to him, laying down like that, was the worst thing he could imagine. And you know what? He found out it was okay. Even you standing on him was okay. He saw you meant him no harm. The darkest hour comes before the dawn. That was Pilgrim's darkest hour and he survived it. Do you understand?'"

Are you doing any activities or hobbies Tara. Getting out and active whether it be physical or in another capacity is a way of keeping you busy but also giving you a break from all the recovery speak. I built solid foundations in my first year sober, but also found activities outside of recovery enhanced my life.

How's your eating habits and exercise?. No matter how light on the exercise may be, these two elements can have an impact on how the body operates. I know if I'm not eating well or skip breaky, I don't usually feel good, and getting out in the fresh air and doing things I like and meeting people also brings on good feelings.

One year is fantastic, and a day of reflection and celebration, but in the scheme of things, it's just another day and that too will pass. Hopefully it will be another day sober for you Tara, as will the next, and the next. Life brings ups and downs. There's been times I've been low in mine since I've been sober. I'll just pass on a few words from two people that are close to me. One my daughter who said 'Just get on with it Mum' and a mate who said 'bout time spunky bum' when I stopped isolating and said hello.

Funny how little things like that stick with me and when i feel down, I sometimes say to myself 'just get on with it' and then look at what i can to help myself do just that. That commitment to yourself is precious Tara, glad to see you committing to your recovery, but the worry thing... I don't know what's going to happen where I'm headed, but what I can do is hopefully make the right decisions in my life today and I'm sure that will have an impact on where I'm headed. Just live for today Tara, that's all we can do and that will have a say in tomorrow.

I am feeling your uneasiness and discomfort through your words.....and I have a question that you may not like (oh no! haha).

Were you completely honest in your step work to the absolute best of your ability? Are you doing a step 10 every day? Are you being grateful for a sober day when you retire to bed? Seems there may be something brewing under the surface to all of this? Personally, I don't think it is all about the year. You don't seem at peace. Why do you think that could be?

If you were sponsoring you, what would you be saying? This will take your complete honesty to look at. What suggestions is your sponsor giving you? Are you taking them?

You ARE doing well. Remember, we do the work, HP does the worrying. We are never alone, unless we choose to be.

Sobriety brings inner peace so small steps and honesty, willingness and openness. And,don't be tough on yourself and have massive expectations, you have come a huge way along your journey, just keep working and don't give up on a life beyond your wildest dreams (hug).

Hey you.....do you remember a while ago that you did a post and then I was like 'did you see Hazelden today?'....well today's one is appropriate to put here so hope you don't mind......

Hazelden 'daily thought' 19/02/2012

'Every day is a different day. You never know what it will bring. That's the exciting thing about getting up every morning.
--Alpha English'

'No doubt we have all hit spells when we didn't feel the urge to get the day going. Pulling the covers up around us seemed far more inviting. There's nothing wrong with occasionally resisting the next twenty-four hours. We do need variety in our lives. Even a healthy, fun routine is still a routine. Shaking it up is good for us. But if we make a habit of avoiding whatever plans we've made, we need to take an inventory of our feelings. Depression isn't foreign to most of us. Chronic depression needs to be addressed, however.

If we begin to feel blue about our lives, let's make sure we are expressing our feelings to a friend. Generally, there is a simple solution. Maybe we have forgotten to pray and meditate regularly. Perhaps we have become self-absorbed. Being appreciative of others generally changes how we see every aspect of our lives. Recounting with a confidant or in a journal all the blessings and achievements we've accumulated over these many decades often pushes us out of the doldrums.

Let's remember that most days surprised us with their outcomes. We never got exactly what we expected. This is one certainty about life that we can always count on.

Today is bound to surprise me in how it unfolds. I'll appreciate what comes my way.'

So A.......It is a new day.....full of hope. Hope you have a good 'different' day today :P)

Just came here for first time in forever. Sorry you are struggling. Funny how we put on a brave face and everyone thinks we are fine when thatmay not be tge case. I love you and will message you tomorrow.

Great analogy story Jersey...talk to you tomorrow too:)

A couple of others already touched on this, but I would echo the fact that it's good to have outside interests. Sometimes, recovery can become your hobby and while this may help you get grounded in the early days, it becomes difficult to dwell on recovery issues night and day. I think the whole purpose of recovery is so that we can become more balanced in our lives. And I think balance is something that alcoholics have trouble finding.

So although a good hobby or a sport will not keep you sober, it goes a long way towards giving you a well rounded life, allowing you to take a break, and can be a good, healthy way to express your passions.

As always, I'm simply speaking from my own experience.

I go to meetings. I talk with my sponsor at mtgs and maybe call her once a week. She tells me I am too hard on myself and that I am doing great. She is there whenever I decide I want to move onto step 6. I hang out with sober alkies for coffee/dinner at least twice a week and hit 4 mtgs. I don't do any service work and I still shy away from newcomers because I get triggered.

I do believe I live by the principles I learn in the program. I am always aware of steps 1-3 and may not verbalize them daily but I always call on them when faced with hard life stuff. I also practice acceptance and mindfullness. I think about the spiritual axiom when I am disturbed and I really let most stuff roll off my back. I am getting better at setting boundaries,

Coog... I am not exercising. I know that is something I need to do. I am also not eating much this week, although usually I am super healthy with that. I really want to start exercising but I think I am having a hard time fitting it in to lazy schedule. I have the time but no motivation. I am try to get started with that this week. I know that might be big for me in recovery.

I have a lot going on in my life, plans wise, and maybe I am overdoing the planning and starting to feel overwhelmed before I even get started.

I don't know everything about what is going on. I am pretty sure I just need to pray/meditate and work steps.

ExJ.... I love that story. It is probably that time I need to give up and accept that this is gonna hurt until I become willing to do something about it.

M8... Thank you again. That was excellent. I want to write you some more but I am out of time. Have to get to my mtg.

I am gonna be fine. I am not gonna drink. I know a drink would ruin everything. I just sometimes feel like I can't LOVE with this. It'll pass - I just have to do something about it.

Thanks everyone. xo

Tara I too don't have much that doesnt sound polyanaish but...I believe strongly in mind, body, spirit connection. I can't truly be spiritually fit, if I'm not taking care of my body and my mind. My mind wants to do fun stuff. I read great books (if you havent read it the art of racing in the rain is amazing, so is a book called "Second Chances: Top Executives Share Their Stories of Addiction & Recovery")
I engage with others, I do yoga (mind / body) I meditate, I pray, I write, and so forth. I went to a cuban jazz band in the city last night...never done that before. And so forth.
I've found the closest I've come to drinking, has been when I'm hungry, angry, lonely tired. Yep, the "HALT" thing. I've also found the closest I've come to real depression is then too.
I go for a run when all else fails. I sweat. I feel better. even marginally.
Service work is really awesome too. Even just calling a newbie whose number you pick up.

Above all else I just try to do the next right thing. I don't look at "6 things" down the chain I just do the next thing. Am I hungry? Eat. Am I anxious, pray, call a friend, run.
And so it goes.

Hang in there. You know that this too shall pass.

People tend to take milestones more lightly than they should. My psychiatrist very wisely warned me that on any milestone be very aware and take good care of yourself and don't make major decisions until it passes.

Many years ago I announced to my husband I wanted out. Dec 7th (Pearl Harbor day) we very painfully worked thru it and are very happy today....but I swear for the next 20 years right around that date I seemed to pick a fight! He walked on egg shells......

Anywhoo...being aware and talking with others is helpful but most of all take CARE of yourself. I know your going thru a growth spurt and that is always painful but give yourself a pat on the back for how far you have come. There is NO going back for us!!!! hugs d

It's just a phase. You will get through it. You know where the alternative will take you.

Get the goat

I know I`m in a bad place when everyone around me becomes my problem
Resentment is the number one offender. Pray for the one`s you resent..

Stickywick's suggestion about the total person....mind, body, and spirit is very good.

If you smoke cigarettes, take caffeine, and do not exercise, that combination will leave you feeling stressed regardless of your spiritual condition.

And I'm not throwing stones at people who smoke and/or drink coffee here. You can make your own decisions in regards to that. But both are stimulants, and if you're stressed out and have no outlet for the stress, it can leave you feeling pretty shaky. Just a thought.