I'm having a hard time tonight. I'm not risking my sobriety or anything so don't get me wrong this isn't a crisis, but I'm mentally struggling. I made a major life change in early August and basically have been sober ever since. I say basically because I had a slip up mid September, so including that I've got like 93 days sober and could have like 17 weeks but it's really not a big deal to me, I'm sober today and that's what matters.

I was bored this evening and decided to do the one thing I love and went snowboarding. It's the first time I've been snowboarding in like 5 years without anywhere from 1-6 beers or getting stoned at some point. I still enjoyed it but got bored much quicker than I normally would. (Our ski hill isn't the greatest). I'm still adjusting to sober life, I'm pretty well adjusted but I haven't done everything I used to do drinking or high sober yet. Snowboarding is one of those things. I loved having a beer or two and going out, smoking on the chairlifts, and taking a break and having one more. Getting home and then really drinking. That was my weekend for a long time.

So now I'm home, I had fun snowboarding but it wasn't like old times. I'm starting to miss pieces of my old life. I'm feeling guilt about my situation and wishing none of the chaos that's happened this year would've happened and that I could resume my using when it was manageable and fun. I don't want to and won't go back to how it was at it's worst, the withdrawals, the stupidity, the money wasted, I won't. But I'm missing that freedom in knowing that if I wanted to have a beer I could or if I wanted to get stoned, I could. I'm missing what I knew was normal. I'm missing feeling like a normal person who can go to a bar and socialize, I'm missing being young and able to control myself.