So I'm awake and hung over and feeling guilty and also like crap.

Last night is pretty much a blur.. I'm not sure what caused me to want that first drink but of course, as soon as I had the first one there was no stopping.

I guess because I wasn't home or with my wife I thought I could get away with something. And again I stupidly thought I could moderate.

I realize now how important it is for me to have my wife - or someone - "watching" me to remind me not to drink.

Blah

Rich

Immersing myself in shame never worked for me in terms of any type of sobriety (shame would get me 3-10 days of no drinking, before I decided it was okay to begin again).

Just make up your mind to do it, and try to close the door on the idea of ANY alcohol consumption. If (in the back of your mind), you are considering the idea of drinking again at some future date, then that door that is cracked open, will be pushed "wide open"' again.

As you said, you "thought you could moderate" ; that's one of the delusions we embrace, despite all historical evidence to the contrary.

Get back up on that horse and move forward. The good news is that the physical difficulty of stopping is not as intense when you've only had one night of drinking.

Hey --

Thanks for the response. I'll definitely get right back on the wagon.

I know that I can't moderate and in my past failed attempts to stop drinking I had not admitted that to myself and had always failed because I kept trying to moderate.

This time I didn't fool myself into thinking I could and so I made it 50+ days. Maybe it was that success that fooled me into thinking last night would be "different".

Rich

Sorry to hear about your relapse. No judgment from me though. I spent a lot of time on the relapse rollercoaster (as I like to call it) and it sucked big time! One of the things I did differently this time and I think it was key to my getting sober is turning down any social invitations that I thought might be tempting. I told my hubby to go without me and was perfectly content to stay home alone with ice cream & Netflix. Now, at 9 mos., I don't turn down invites as much, but I'll leave early in a heartbeat. my hubby knows that and he's so proud of me that he supports me. so, 2 things really: avoid tricky situations and have support. Good luck to you!

Bummer for you Rich.

Temptation is a bad un.

Imagine living with a husband that has a well stocked bar - flippin nightmare.

Super - when I turn down invitations and my hubs go alone, his bar beckons me - like c'mon you know you want to, so I try and wait it out but if it is weekend, I give in.

One day I will crack this but still struggling.

Fantastic group this is - gives me massive hope.

Regards to you all guys.
Gwen

Been there, done that, got the tshirt.

The escape was the sirens song of the booze for me.

I just choose not to go to places where the temptation is too great. When it comes to alcohol i just have no defenses. I know that one will lead to many.

At least you can stop the bus and get off, before it leaves the station.

1is2many

Ya, I'm not big on the whole shame and "back to day zero" thing. I think all that kind of thinking does is helps to perpetuate a feeling of failure and trigger the whole cycle all over again.

However, you may want to have a deep think on your following statement..
"I realize now how important it is for me to have my wife - or someone - "watching" me to remind me not to drink."
Hmmm. Well, what I would say to that is that it isn't anyone else's responsibility to remind you not to drink - you KNOW not to drink. Being accountable to other people is only a small part of the driving force of sobriety. YOU have to want it and be able to be accountable to yourself - even if no one is around to stop you.
Not meaning this to be harsh, it's just that statement popped out at me as a red flag.
Don't beat yourself up over last night. Just try and find the tools that work for you to prevent it from happening again.

My break-up with alcohol wasn't clean nor tidy. I kept going back to give our once-so-fulfilling relationship another go. It took a while to grieve the loss of this trusted friend who could calm me when I was anxious or pick me up when I was down, but ultimately destroyed my judgment, character and real world relationships.

Don't dismiss the 53 days of success you worked diligently to achieve. Just resume adding more sober days. Wishing you the best!

My username is jimer54. I was 54 years old when I found this place and I've been in and out since - that was 8 years ago - I wish it was easy. The good news is, I am nearing 10 months sober.

Quitting is hard to do, after all drinking is/was kind of fun - relaxing - empowering. Too bad it slowly tears you down when you are trying to achieve something that was once okay for you to do. I envy people who can do it and then walk away until next time.

If you have decided this is not working for you anymore, then it will be you who makes that choice to quit.

I wish you success Rich.

Hey Everyone --

Thanks for your support.

I didn't turn down the social invite because I was not thinking at the time that the temptation would be so great.

I'm feeling better about myself now that I've been working and productive. I'm also not feeling as nastily hungover as I have in the past which I assume is partly from not having had a drink in so long before last night.

The other interesting thing about the social outing and temptation was that I was back in NYC and not driving after which was another reason for the temptation. Usually when I'm out I am driving and so, even when I was drinking, I could moderate because I would not drive a car under the influence. (I'd wait until I got home to get drunk!)

Rich

I remember when I was in this vicious cycle of drinking and relapsing over and over and over. My doctor refered me to an outpatient program which was only 4 hours a day and fit into my busy schedule quite easily since I picked the one that met during the evening hours.

In the iop, I learned what my triggers were. One of them was my low self esteem and the need to be around my drinking buddies. I was treated and cured of those emotional issues and it gave me the foundation to live a happy sober lifestyle. It was an extremely, rewarding experience and although I was nervous on the first day, I could easily see that this was the beginning of a better life for me!

Just a suggestion but maybe an IOP will help you break the cycle.

God Bless

One thing i have learned so far is relapses happen and you just have to get right back to it. When i started this program i had all the typical thoughts. I will get this back under control then i will be able to have one or two occasionally......wrong! I have learned since then it just is not possible to even have that one because it will lead to another and another. I hope you get that 54 and beyond. :)

Lesson learned.

Plenty of room back on the wagon, and we are here to give you a hand.

C'mon rwmorey. What happened sounds premeditated. Your call, your hangover.

What are you, 12? It's not your wife's job to "remind" you that you don't want to drink. People who want to stop do. Those who don't, well, they don't. I'm sure your wife has been through enough. Please don't put this false expectation on her.

Otherwise, I wish you well. Alcoholism is the worst of diseases. It not only takes alcoholics down, it takes whole families with the alcoholic. I'll be counting the days with you and hope this is your last quit.

Hi Rich, are you now on two days, if so well done, forget about the last time and just keep adding more days to this time. In your original comment you stated a "lack of repercussions" what did you mean by this?