krm...do you have clue about recovery?

I think so, I havn't had a drink or a smoke in almost 3 years. Do you? What are you people saying that a married person should leave home? Life does not stop because you stop drinking.

krm...but don't you agree that a person newly sober should be ok with themselves first? Alot of us drank for so many years that we forgot how to live because we followed the bottle. I believe that we should concentrate on ourselves and on our lives first before jumping into something. If we can't take care of ourselves how can we take care of anyone or anything else that can bring joy to our lives? Anything or anyone that I put before my sobriety was lost because it took over my top priority of staying sober. If I don't work on staying sober first, I won't enjoy the things I have in my life today.

I think that everyone is different. A person in recovery should be doing whatever they feel comfortable with. I don't think we can set boundaries or put our lives in park, just because we stop drinking. I'm not saying that recovery people should go bar hopping to find a date.

The advice given is not to make any major changes to your relationship, whether it be entering into new ones, or exiting from current ones. Leave relationships be for a while and concentrate on yourself and getting better. I was married with a 3yo when I entered rehab, but I knew I had to put myself first in my initial recovery and take care of myself SO I could take care of my daughter and be a contributing member to our family. My relationship was on HOLD until I could sort myself out.
CM xxx

I agree with you Coogee. I went to a few rehabs and after I left each one I was more concerned with making things at home and with my wife better. I thought that that would keep me sober. I didn't follow the suggestions to take care of myself first and that marriage ended in divorce because I kept running back to the bottle.

I think the best suggestion i was ever given on this topic was this:

"You can consider dating once you are well into your 9th step amends (and are therefore already practising steps 10, 11 and 12)".

It makes sense to me. You get a good idea of who you are in 4 and 5. 6 and 7 are the steps of god-given change and 9 is a test of how much you have really changed and you get a lot of interesting feedback from ex partners and alike.

Makes you a much better candidate for your prospective date eh?

Avoiding an attitude of "I'm lonely" (self-centred and self-seeking attitude) and adopting an attitude of "what can I bring to the life of a partner?" is also a recipe for success in my eyes.

The purer our intentions the better God provides for our basic needs.

That's what i think anyway.

Although i quite like being single :D

If this person is a non-drinker, then I think it's okay to move forward. I know I'm breaking the one year rule, but people need companionship of some kind now and then. You should probably be honest about your drinking past and your current struggles though. Also, move slowly. Try not to get into a deep relationship right away.

I hate to bring this up, but I will. Too many people get into a sexual relationship too quickly. This clouds judgement, because it forms and emotional attachement. If this ends up being a person who is not right for you, you want to be able to make a decision to leave early in the game. What am I saying then? I'm saying "don't enter into anything sexual right now - give that part of it some more time.

Really it is a lot to think about....am I stable enough? You know I have not dated sober in so long I would be nervous, I know I would have to deal with that...I think I may of made up my mind to one date, just one...and really, I have known him all this time (two years) and never really found him to be my type...maybe the date will only confirm that...I am going to see I think....I need to step outside of ME if only for a moment...and maybe it will help me see me differently....
But I was thinking, what do I have to offer someone...I am not sure...I think I am a good person with a good heart, I am fun to be around sometimes, hope I find that sober too...lol...I do not need anyone to suppport me, I just want someone to like me..to feel special in someone else's eyes...I know I still have a hole in my heart, but dont we all??? dont we all need other people?
I feel like I do have my own life, my own interests, and I think he does as well....
shesh, I am sorry, I just want to feel normal for awhile....I think that over analyzing oneself can be a bit of a drain sometimes....
I know my goals, I want to achieve them and I will not let anyone stop me...they are either for me or out of the picture at this point....

Thnak you all so much for your advise, I will keep it close in my mind, you all have made good points, I am not jumping into a relationship, I just want to see....

I do not want to hurt him either...I will try to be as honest as posible, even about my drinking problem, though I think he knows...he has seen me pretty messed up and used to drop me off at home....the question is why would he want me???
Is he a care taker?
humm...more questions...I dont need a care taker...I need honesty

Well off to work now...thank you all so much...
let you know how the one date goes... :)

Would you be prepared to cook all the meals, do the cleaning and wash the clothes?

If so, what's your number?


:D :P

(just teasing)

No way...that is WHY I need a man :) this is 2008....

I probably should have started dating sooner, but I couldn't get out of the quirky, dysfunctional and mistrustful relationship I was in at the time. I was living alone and...

Alcoholism is known as the lonely disease.

Try being friends with him first. I remember for quite a while in sobriety my instincts ran riot and I was looking for a man to validate myself. I was with all the wrong men. Every one a disaster area and I nearly drank as a result of those broken relationships. Now I have many men friends and thats all they are friends. I keep myself and my sobriety safe from emotional disturbance and thats what a relationship with a memeber of the opposite sex does to me. I thought I could handle these kind of relationships but I cant. They always degenerate and the resident evil ISM twin comes out and does something to f...ck them up. Think very carefully.

LOL...ha ha I knew you had already made up your mind:)...

One of my favorite "therapy" authors is Robert Johnson. Who wrote "He" "She" "We", plus several other great books about our "subconcious shadow side." Mr. Johnson,
stopped being so popular with me when he came
to the conculsion that for "romantic love" to
be successful, one first has to have a "spiritual love" to put first in their life.
He discusses all the reasons why in his book
"We". Remember this is a therapist and professor, not a man of religion, which is what I found interesting. Now I use to be under the delusion, that "Yeah, God first, but you can't hug God at, and watch a good movie with God, and he doesn't really hold long conversations"...

That I needed more than God...Now miss romantically delusional Tammie has come to realize if I do not put God first, prayer, meditation, then I've got so much selfish ego yuck that I'm no good to anyone, little long let them bring their issues to the table.

Any way, Ashley, just something for you to think about...your hole statement sorta made me want to say that to you. Again, no expert in romantic relationships except here "what not to do". Peace sister! PS...tell us how your date goes:)....




You discussed the "hole" and I think someone mentioned filling "God" with that hole.