One thing that helped me early on (before getting to the 5th step which really helped me understand my fears) was knowing that fear and faith are the two sides of a single coin.

I can either have "heads or tails" - that is "fear or faith". When I choose faith, fear backs off.

faith is something which is lacking in my life... no spirituality at all... am trying to work on it tho..but again fear of the unknown

I can relate to you having fears related to childhood expiences-I have dealt with something similiar, I hope things get better for you. I know life can be difficult and lonely at times.

If the faith concept doesn't work for you now, how about something like "Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not the end." Something that reassures you that this is not the end of the world, and grow from that.

BTW, the BB and the Bible both say we only need faith the size of a mustard seed to start.

I can relate to having lots of fear, from past trauma and abuse. I'd say to be very gentle and kind with yourself. hang in there, get to lots of meetings, and take your time to find a sponsor you can trust a bit. You don't have to open right up right away, think of just trying it out, and opening up a bit at a time.

An alcoholic falls down a deep chasm and as he falls, he grabs hold of a teeny twig which breaks his fall. "If there's anybody up there listening," he shouts, "please help me!" With that, the clouds part and a ray of light hits him as a deep voice booms out, "Let go, my son, and I will bear you up". The alcoholic thinks for a moment and says, "Anybody else up there?"

Hello Ruby,

There are complicated answers to this and simple ones.

As others have said, maybe it's time to Pray for courage to do the next right thing. I clearly remember looking up at the sky at first and saying "please", ocassionally looking up and saying "thankyou". Had little idea what I was talking to but it felt right, for me.

Few of us have Faith until we have experience of results - asking for help and getting it. Lack of Courage is the perfect example of a problem God can help us with.

Hello rubyblue,

I am certain that other people will tell you about different ways of dealing with fear but I will try to explain the way that I was taught to deal with it. For me it was useful to first of all try to understand what fear is and I have seen it defined as: Feelings of anxiety, agitation, uneasiness, apprehension etc. That gives a general idea of what fear is.

The trouble with a lot of those feelings is that we think of them as being caused by someone or something out there and in that way we have no control over them because we cannot change people and things. What if we could manage to own the fear in some way then it would be possible to try and change it or get help that would allow us to deal with it? That is what Step 4 allows you to do and although it is not a good idea to jump to Step 4 until you know about the first three, it may be of some value to you to learn the formula. However, you are unlikely to get the full benefit from the exercise until you are working with a sponsor.


You can download a Fourth Step Guide from: www.upperroomcomm.com/bbsguide/
The description I have given below is based on that guide and the guide comes directly from the Big Book example on pages 65 to 71. If the reader is offended by AA suggestions it would be better to please skip to the next reply now.

The first thing to do is to bring the fears out into the open by listing them on paper and I will describe how it is done in Step 4. This is best done by dividing your page into columns and column 1, on the left side of the page is titled: Im fearful of: In dealing with fears we put them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were fearful. (Complete Column 1 from top to bottom).

Column 2 is titled: Why do I have the fear. We ask ourselves why do I have this fear. (Complete Column 2 from top to bottom. Do nothing on Columns 3 and 4 until Column 2 is complete).

So far you have listed a number of fears and have added a short description of maybe one sentence about who or what caused each fear. Now it gets interesting because you can look at exactly what happened to cause the fear within you. It was something within SELF that was threatened and that caused the fear to arise. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal or sex relations which had been interfered with? (Complete Column 3 from top to bottom).

Column 4 is where it gets even more interesting because this is where we can throw a rope on those fears and brand them as belonging to us in some way and of course if we own them we can send them to the market. Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened and inconsiderate? (Asking ourselves the above questions we complete Column 4).

This is where many get the wrong impression and think that the objective is to take the blame for things that happened in the past. It is not about deciding who is to blame for anything but rather about allowing you to claim ownership of a problem so that you can change it. By continuing to blame something or someone outside of yourself you can never bring about that change. This can be difficult where bad things have happened that are in no way your fault. Remember, it is not about accepting the blame for something but about recognising that you can change the way that you react to it.

Up until now we have been looking at the columns vertically from top to bottom. Now you can read it across from left to right. You can see the fear (Column 1); why do I have the fear (Column 2); the part of self that caused the fear (Column 3); and the exact nature of the defect within us that allowed the fear to surface and block us off from Gods will (Column 4).

Making out a written inventory and understanding how it works by talking about it with a sponsor is but a start. What you then need is the help of some power greater than yourself that will enable you to outgrow your fears.

It works - it does what it says on the packet.

Living in the present and faith help me to overcome fear. Faith is built by doing. Positive action yields positive results thus building faith.

PJ, with all due respect, doing a 4th step without having any insight into the prior ones isn't the best idea. Also, it's strongly suggested to have a sponsor or someone who's done it before guide them. Ruby admittedly has been going this alone so far.

Ruby, get a sponsor.

Fear has been a controlling factor for the whole of my life so I know where you are coming from. I had a conversation with a non alcoholic friend when I was early in recovery and learnt a huge lesson from it. Maybe sharing it with you will help.

My friend is a scuba diver. She dives in all sorts of places, often where the sea is very rough, to get to see wrecks of battleships and stuff. One day I was talking to her about sea sickness and saying that I wouldnt be able to dive when the sea was rough because I would be feeling sick and would be terrified of throwing up in the mask when underwater. She said she gets sea sick so I said has it gone by the time you dive? She said no she sometimes still feels sick so I said but arent you terrified of throwing up in your mask? She said yes so i said how come you go diving then (I was seriously confused at this point!!)? She said I just do it anyway.

It was the first time I realised that when I was scared of things I didnt do them, I would go to great lengths to avoid them, drink my way away from the fear etc. My life was very small and fightening because of that. But other people were not living like that. They were scared of things BUT DID THEM ANYWAY. Wow what a revelation. That courage is not the absence of fear but having fear and doing it anyway. That other people didnt have different lives to me because they were free of fear which is what I had assumed (they must have no fear otherwise they would be quivering in the corner like me!!). They had different lives because the fear didnt stop them living.

I thought I couldnt get a sponsor until I was no longer afraid of getting a sponsor and I was waiting for someone to take that fear away without me having to drink. What i found out was that instead I had to get a sponsor despite the fact that I was fearful.

I think you would like us to take away the fear. I say just get on and do the next thing you need to do despite the fear. Dont project into what happens once you have a sponsor. Just concentrate on getting one and then you can move onto the next thing.

it is a tough thing to face your fears. no one can walk your path....you must walk it by yourself..........no one can tell you truth.....you must find it.

it is a warm embrace rediscovering self.

I'm with whostosay on this one.

I think this is good insight from you Ruby. Fear is holding you back from seeking the kind of help on offer. Go back to the problem - can you afford to stay where you are? If not, you might have to cultivate enough faith to take the leap - in spite of and in the face of fear.

If you're choosing AA as a path to recovery, the first 3 steps are fundamental, don't be jumping ahead of yourself.

Many of us have sought out professional help in addition to the 12 Steps. I did and it enhanced the Steps for me. Of course, my psychologist wasn't a hand stroker and he knew our program inside and out. He was also in recovery.

AA is not a cure all. Sponsors are not trained therapists. No reason you can't get therapy and work on the Steps at the same time. First and foremost, GET A SPONSOR. With only 222 days, you're not out of the woods by a longshot. Godspeed.

Many of us have sought out professional help in addition to the 12 Steps. I did and it enhanced the Steps for me. Of course, my psychologist wasn't a hand stroker and he knew our program inside and out. He was also in recovery.

AA is not a cure all. Sponsors are not trained therapists. No reason you can't get therapy and work on the Steps at the same time. First and foremost, GET A SPONSOR. With only 222 days, you're not out of the woods by a longshot. Godspeed.