Alcoholism Support Group

Alcoholism is the continued consumption of alcoholic beverages, even when it is negatively affecting your health, work, relationships and life. If you think alcohol is causing you to lose control, it's time to seek help. Our group is a safe place to vent, check in, get back up if you fall, and reach sobriety.

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boto4022
boto4022
My husband has been an active functioning alcoholic (for the last 10 years progressively) meaning he has been able to hold a good job and really has had no consequences with the exception of our marriage going down the drain. He drinks alone and at home so no one really is affected except me. He also suffers from depression which he has been on medication for about the last 18 years.

In January I threatened to leave if he didn't seek at least counseling. He saw a psychotherapist who specializes in depression/alcohol abuse but stopped seeing her after a few months. Now we are in marriage counseling. He still won't seek treatment for his alcohol addiction. He knows he drinks too much but I don't think he sees it as a problem.

The counselor asked him not to drink for two weeks between our sessions. He didn't make it the two weeks. He made it 7 days (that I know of) then drank last Fri & Sat and I don't think he drank all this week but sometimes it is hard for me to tell.

I feel like he is constantly in a state of anger and resentment towards me. Last night he made some mention about me "calling all the shots." This came because we were 10 minutes early for our volleyball game (which he didn't want to go to) and he wanted to wait in the car and I thought we should see if our team had arrived so we could warm up. He was mad because no one from our team had arrived yet so we waited about 5 minutes before they came. This really bothered him.

Is this typical behavior? What does it take before someone seeks treatment? He also has become very fidgety which I assume is from withdrawal or anxiety.

I just really don't know how to act or behave or just "be" around him. It seems like everytime we have a discussion about his drinking he gets mad. I want to understand why he drinks and why he won't get help. I don't nag, I just want to understand and try to help. I understand he is the only one that can help himself but this has been going on for so long, I just wonder where the breaking point will be. There seems to be such a fine line between being supportive and not enabling him.

I have gone to Alanon in the past and learned some helpful tools. I have asked him to go to an AA meeting since it is at the same time but he refuses. I feel like I am doing all I can to help him but he won't help himself and it is really frustrating.

I am just looking for some thoughts, is there anything else I can do? Or is it all up to him? How have you all come to the point where you know it is time to live a different life?
whozbop
whozbop
Well boto, coming for both side of the street. I urge you to go back to Alanon. The best way to help him is to help yourself. When most of us hear the word alcoholism, we think of the drinker only. This is a grand error. Alcoholism is not just about the drinking. It is about how one thinks and interact with their surrounding. The drinking is only an manifestion of the disease. Something that helps me, even though I am an alcoholic, is You can't Cure it, You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it but you can Contribute to it. The 4 C's is what this is called. Alanon help me to find hope,peace and serenity whether my alcoholic drinks or not. I sure it will do the same for you. As for you husband behavior, I would say it normal for an alkie. When I stopped drinking I got restless, irritable and discontent. I still get that way today. However I have tools I use to easy or erase those feelling. Your husband does not, yet. Remember this is a disease that tell you you don't have a disease. And this works on both sides of the drinking. For years friends and family members did not understand they were sick also. I had to stop asking my husband to go to meeting. I had to learn not to use my recovery as a battering ram against my husband. I do have boundries, one of which there is not drinking in my home. What I am going to say next my sound confusing. My husband does drink at home sometime. He knows I do not like it. But what will not and can not happen is others coming to my home an drink. I have learn not to walk on egg shells because his behaivor has caused problems for the household or because he disagrees with me on something. I have a right to be.I did not learn this overnight and I still have a lot of work to do. I have no doubt however that Alanon saved my sanity. Have a wonderful day. By the way there is a Alanon group at this site. I try to check in there everyday. God be with.
boto4022
boto4022
Thanks whozbob for the insight. I have considered going back to Alanon.

In regard to your comment" "I have learn not to walk on egg shells because his behaivor has caused problems for the household or because he disagrees with me on something."

How do you not walk on eggshells? My husband gets mad at me when I raise my voice telling me that I should know better than to raise my voice in a conversation with someone who suffers from depression because it makes him feel bad. When he says that, it makes me feel like I am not allowed to "feel" or get angry which I think I have a right to do. I need to get my frustrations out and raising my voice comes with that frustration. My intention isn't to make him feel bad but to make him "feel" that what he does hurts me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It sounds like he's manipulating you. I think it's part of every adult's basic rights - to say what you think, express concern and stand up for yourself. What do you think?
billwfriend
billwfriend
divorce on the doorstep will not stop him drinking unless he thinks he can keep what he is thinking he is going to lose...but I know it is not going to help anything the way it is....just walk out...give up and let him die a drunk...and get help with allowing that to happen inside Alanon.....
whozbop
whozbop
Learning to not walk on eggshell took a lot of practise and a good deal of time. First I learned no one make me feel anything. I will use music to explain this. If I played or you heard James Brown song "I Feel Good", Jackie Wilson song "Lonely Teardrops, or Sam Cooke song Having a Party would you feel anything. If yes or no why. Now how about Silent Night. All these song generate a warm feeling for me. I had wonderful experiences around these song. Each person reading this had a different feeling or thought. Some may have even said who is Sam Cooke so the song I mentioned didn't generate any feelings. All of us may feeling something because a person, place, thing or situation has an affect on us. The affect come from our experience. Your hubby may like it when you raise you voice. My husband says the same thing. But I do not make him feel anything. Just like he does not make me feel anything. So I learned to say when you say or do this or that I feel; hurt, angry, sad or frustrated. The list can go on forever. We all have a right to be!. Your feelings are valid. Sadly though he is not aware of that at the moment. That is why it is important for you to take care of you. I can't urge you enough to get to Alanon. Everything I know and am able to do is because of what Alanon taught me. AA began my lesson on living life. Alanon was and is my continuing studies on living life. I hope what I said helps. Have a wonderful day, God be with.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You being healthy and happy is the most important thought right now. Get out of the house - ride a bike, go to a cafe and meet new people while trying an Expresso! Being with other people helped me sort out how crazy my life became with a 24/7 drinker who thought everything was a test - he would take the other side on any subject just to be difficult. I know the drinker doesn't do anything purposely, but it just seems that way.

Hope you will get lots of support and make decisions each day that add joy to your life - we are here such a short time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
This is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. There has to be changes made, and you are the one to make these changes, because, your husband wo'nt. Go back to Alanon. You deserve to be happy, and you do'nt deserve how you are being treated now. You have to help yourself. We are not responsible for anyone else's behavior, but our own. Seeing a therapist could really help you as wel. Go out, get a hobby, volunteer somewhere, find out who you are. He is dragging you down with him....I have been there, I made postive changes in my life, and so can you. Take Care.
boto4022
boto4022
Thanks for all your comments and guidance. I was away for the weekend by my folks. It is so hard to come back to reality. I feel so sad. I understand I need to take care of myself and do things I want which I do to an extent. I can't live his life and I am certainly aware that no matter how hard I try to help him it will really do no good until he decides he wants to get help for himself. He did admit to our marriage counselor on Friday that he doesn't like the fact that he "needs" alcohol to relieve his stress when he comes home from work. But in the same breath he says I shouldn't care how much alcohol he drinks when I am away because it doesn't affect me when I am not around. The counselor wants us to have more intimate conversations but it is very difficult for us to do. He thinks that by asking him not to drink or get help for his drinking I am expecting him to be perfect. I just want him to be happy and healthy, I never said he needs to be perfect. He always seems to change my words around to come up with another excuse to drink and not to get help.
stickywick
stickywick
Boto you are in an impossible spot. I'm an alcoholic. My husband isnt. He didnt ask me to stop, I had to get there on my own. But on the rare occasion that he questioned my drinking, I flipped out, and/ or justified it. In fact, I blamed some of my drinking *on* him.
Go to Alanon. Get healthy. Don't allow his disease to make you sick.
boto4022
boto4022
I have a scenario and not sure how to handle. My husband and I both have Harleys. There is a poker run this weekend that my cousin does for charity for our local volunteer fire department. As you may know, all of the stops on the poker run are at bars/taverns. I don't drink while I am on my motorcycle. I certainly could go by myself. I asked if he wanted to go and he said he didn't want to go because if he goes to a bar that will entice him to drink. I said I am not going to drink, we can get soda/water at a bar as well. You don't have to stay at the bar either, we can get our stamp and go. My sister & brother in law who would go with us won't drink on the motorcycle either. I am not sure if he is saying this to manipulate me into not going. In other words, I feel like he is keeping me from doing something I want to do because he feels like I am keeping him from doing something he wants to do which is drink. Or could he really be trying not to drink? I am just not sure. Summer is coming to an end and we have only gone out riding twice this summer together. I have gone for rides by myself because I enjoy the peacefulness and freedom of the ride. It seems like the more he started to drink the less things he wants to do outside the home. I want to be supportive if he really is making an effort but do I not go on the one event I look forward to every year or is he "punishing" me in a way? Thoughts?
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