I suggest finding a counselor (maybe through your church?) who specializes in exactly these kinds of questions.

Much love and luck,
beep.

I had 4 IVF and 6 IUI before I had my son. I am healthy, don't give up and ask for special offer program for your RE. I had the same questions regarding adoption and I realize that it best to adopt child from orphanage because parents rights already have been terminated. Look at Eastern Europe, a lot of children who need home there.

To remedy the cost of adoption, I would suggest looking to adopt through the foster care system. That is what my family did, and there are many advantages. I see that one of your concerns is about connecting with your adopted child. If you take the foster care route, you could have the opportunity to have a child for a temporary period of time before moving to a more permanent adoption. This gives you the freedom to feel out if the child is a good fit with you and your husband, and gives you time to get to know the child, versus an international adoption where they are a complete stranger. As well, you were concerned about the cost of adoption. Adopting out of foster care does not carry the crazy cost that international adoptions do. In fact, some compensations are even made available. For example, my adopted brother has some special needs, and so my family is receiving medical aid from the government until he turns 18. This is a huge benefit of adopting out of foster care, and in fact so many children are waiting to be adopted out of foster care, so your chances of being chosen (another one of your concerns) are pretty high. For instance, in my county alone there are over 100 children waiting to be adopted. Hope this information helps you in some way! I wish you the best of luck! I come from a Christian family and the experience of being a foster and adoptive sister has been one of the most amazing ones of my life. Please do consider!

Hi. I am an adoptive mom and also a therapist, and hope that I may be able to give you some input for consideration that could be helpful. I really loved the response from ezek16 about the many wonderful kids available through the foster care system. Many couples eventually choose to foster-adopt, which means getting licensed as a foster family who is open to adopting the babies/toddler/s/children who are, at first, placed into their home but may become available for adoption. That is because the first goal is to help keep families intact (rehabilitate the child's family or find a relative who is willing to adopt), but the reality is that too-often, that is not possible and THEN adoption to non-relatives is considered. The foster parents have first-right-of-refusal so as to not have to move the child, which causes a lot of trauma.
Regardless, the issue for a prospective parent is not whether the child will love and cleave to you OR his/her original parents, but understanding that an adoptive child will need to love, honor, claim BOTH sets of parents in order to grow up to be healthy, with a complete sense of self, and high self worth. Therefore, as an adoptive parent, it is your job to recognize that YOU must welcome birth parents-- known or unknown-- into your lives, and not allow your own loss of the child-who-might-have-been-born-to-you cause you to feel threatened by the fact that the child you adopt has TWO sets of parents. BOTH are "real," and both are necessary and equal components of that child's identity and self-worth. That is a LOT for you, as a prospective parent, to grasp and assimilate-- and it won't necessarily happen overnight or without really really good pre-adoption training.
Adopted people, generally, do not choose one to love one set of parents over the other. Most of the time, they cut off from their adoptive parents when those parents expect them to love them INSTEAD of their original parents, and to behave as though they are the exclusive parents. It is the adoptive parents' insecurity over their own loss and shame over infertility, their own struggle with feeling entitled to the child they are raising, their own un-admitted struggle with fear that this child is not "their own," that propels the adopted child away from them, emotionally. An adopted child IS one's own, BUT is not the same as a child who is born to you, and thus, cannot be raised as though he or she does not come without a history, a normal need to know his/her origins, and a normal need to claim those he/she is genetically related to. Effective and skilled adoptive parents can admit to their own fears, worries, sense of inadequacy, grief over what might have been, AND love the child who comes to them.
Is there a guarantee that you WILL love and feel affinity to a child you adopt? No, but there is no guarantee of this with a child born to you either! However, there DOES need to be a commitment on your part-- that you will love and keep any child who joins your family NO MATTER WHAT. If you cannot make that commitment, then do not adopt. Every child deserves that.
I would also suggest that you shed the thought/assumption/belief that people are "called" to adopt, as though they are rescuing/saving a child. NO person wants to grow up feeling like someone's charitable project. Nor ARE they objects of pity who "are better off" saved by adoption. Children in need of a new, permanent family are no more "orphans" to be pitied, than are prospective parents objects of pity who deserve to be gifted with a child. And anyone who suggests that an adopted child should feel grateful and lucky should be run out of town! The truth is that EVERY child who has a permanent family is fortunate, and an adopted child who is subtly coached to believe that he/she is obligated to feel extra-grateful will grow up with resentment.
One more thing. There is a lot of misinformation out there about international adoption. Those children, too, most often have birth families and are not at all "orphans," and they, too, grow up and search for their original families to the same degree that adoptees born here do. International adoption is very expensive, just as private infant adoptions are, and these days, there are very few options open to people wanting to adopt. That is because there was a great deal of corruption and US agencies were involved with people procuring babies and young children through coercing parents, or stealing children or buying babies. Private adoption-- in my opinion-- isn't that much different. Babies-- especially White ones-- tend to go to the highest bidders.
I wish you well, but I would encourage you to do a great deal of soul-searching and probably some counseling before you consider adoption. You are not "being called." Its important to face up and see that you just want to be parents, which is normal, healthy, and little different from that which most couples hope for. Good luck!

Hi Susan,
I wish you the best and I can so relate to your honest questions. Like you I did IVF and infertility treatments for years but have not yet felt ready to pursue adoption.

JaneBrown, thank you for your thoughtful response. It is exactly what I needed to read.

Good luck and have a great weekend!

JaneBrown, that is the most insightful post I have ever read from an adoptive parent on this board.

I hope your children consider themselves very lucky. Or, better, yet, take your love and wisdom for granted.

Xx,
beep.

Hi Beep! I smiled from the top of my head to my toes when I read your message. Yes, I, too, hope that my sons and daughters take whatever I think, believe, say, do for granted. I feel very grateful to have had the miracle of each of them in my life, and hope, only, that they have felt encouraged to be wholly-themselves. They have their OWN adoption-wisdom and I am fortunate that they are willing to share at least some of that with me. I see, Beep, that you have a generous amount of wisdom yourself!! I'm always glad to see your posts, here.

Way to go janebrown :) u said it and its the truth :) good for u :) I was adopted but all grown up now but janebrown was exactly right take her advice anyone whos looking to adopt (((hugs to janebrown)))

Janebrown, you hit it ALL right in the nose! Amazing words and wisdom that comes from you! Wow!

I have a lil one that we adopted and she turns 5 this year. My husband and I started out as foster parents and were very blessed to have had this lil precious being enter our lives (it has been the best experience and we are enjoying every minute).

I agree with everything you said, and your words have also helped me so much because thus far my daughter knows she is adopted, and she knows that she was not born from my tummy, but born in another woman's tummy. I speak to her with candor and honesty, and in casual conversation. I want her to always feel empowered and know that adoption is not a stigma. I never make it a big deal and say, "Let's sit down." Because if I do that, she will think it's something serious and something to worry about... thus far, it has worked :) Our daughter is happy and joyful.

Thank you all for your words and this wonderful exchange!

Liza

@zilacr7 Such lovely sentiments regarding your daughter!

Regarding your specific thoughts here:

"I want her to always feel empowered and know that adoption is not a stigma."

Adoption is a deeply ingrained societal stigma that your daughter will have to face. Not far off from the word adoption are the words bastard and orphan, which are also deeply stigmatized in our society.

IMHO you cannot empower your daughter in such a way that these stigmas will disappear (that will take generations), but you can help see that she is empowered to deal with them in the manner she sees fit.

It's a small difference in wording, but quite a different way of thinking about what kind of challenge your daughter is actually facing as she grows into the world.

Much love and luck,
beep.

I fully agree with exek16. As a former foster kid who was lucky enough to get adopted, there are plenty of children here, who need someone to love them and bring them up in loving envrionment.
I knew my birth mother but I wouldn't have traded my adopted mom for the birth one for anything.