Adopted adults Community Group
Adults who want to talk about adoption experiences. Also people who would like to make friends w/people with similar experiences.
I Posted this in another forum and so far have no replies so thought I would try here...
I was adopted when I was almost a year old. I spent the first part of my life in an orphanage. When my A-parents got me home, my mother thought it was cute that I rarely smiled, never laughed, and could stare down adults. My A-Mother was proud of me because she could sit me in a corner with a few toys (or later books - I learned to read at a very early age) and I would sit there till she came and got me, unlike all the other heathen children who were up running around and getting into things and making noise. I had no siblings and when I started school, I was the only first grader in a one room school house. Next grade up was one kid in the 3rd. I learned to deal with adults and hated kids because they were juvenile. I hated being touched most of my life and hate having someone "in my space" which was quite large.
I have never felt love or for that matter any emotion. One of my many shrinks told me that bonding in the first few months of life is VERY important. Not sure but can only guess that in the orphanage, I had different nurses and was rarely held and left on my own much of the time.
Surprisingly I got married, because it was expected of me and I decided I wanted to see what sex (with another person) was like. She was 17 and wanted to get out of her house, I was 23. Neither one of us were ready but we got married. Her family was very touchy feely and she wanted that from me. She would come sit beside me and I tried to stay but after a couple of minutes would get up and move using the excuse that I wanted a drink or had to go to the bathroom or something and when I came back would sit elsewhere. She used to chase me around the room. I remember even sitting on an end table so she couldn't get close to me.
One of my girlfriends I had after I got divorced said that she had thought her husband was the coldest, most unfeeling SOB she had ever met... until she met me. LOL
Anyone else going through this? And were you able to overcome it? It has taken me 58 years to be able to allow someone to sit next to me (I still get uncomfortable but do not get up and leave like I used to.) I have learned to deal with people and function in society by reading books, watching TV and movies and can usually give the correct response that would be expected from a "normal" person. I can even tear up if necessary and it is a situation where that would be expected.
I was adopted when I was almost a year old. I spent the first part of my life in an orphanage. When my A-parents got me home, my mother thought it was cute that I rarely smiled, never laughed, and could stare down adults. My A-Mother was proud of me because she could sit me in a corner with a few toys (or later books - I learned to read at a very early age) and I would sit there till she came and got me, unlike all the other heathen children who were up running around and getting into things and making noise. I had no siblings and when I started school, I was the only first grader in a one room school house. Next grade up was one kid in the 3rd. I learned to deal with adults and hated kids because they were juvenile. I hated being touched most of my life and hate having someone "in my space" which was quite large.
I have never felt love or for that matter any emotion. One of my many shrinks told me that bonding in the first few months of life is VERY important. Not sure but can only guess that in the orphanage, I had different nurses and was rarely held and left on my own much of the time.
Surprisingly I got married, because it was expected of me and I decided I wanted to see what sex (with another person) was like. She was 17 and wanted to get out of her house, I was 23. Neither one of us were ready but we got married. Her family was very touchy feely and she wanted that from me. She would come sit beside me and I tried to stay but after a couple of minutes would get up and move using the excuse that I wanted a drink or had to go to the bathroom or something and when I came back would sit elsewhere. She used to chase me around the room. I remember even sitting on an end table so she couldn't get close to me.
One of my girlfriends I had after I got divorced said that she had thought her husband was the coldest, most unfeeling SOB she had ever met... until she met me. LOL
Anyone else going through this? And were you able to overcome it? It has taken me 58 years to be able to allow someone to sit next to me (I still get uncomfortable but do not get up and leave like I used to.) I have learned to deal with people and function in society by reading books, watching TV and movies and can usually give the correct response that would be expected from a "normal" person. I can even tear up if necessary and it is a situation where that would be expected.
Yes, she does go through some of what you are describing, though she has managed to overcome a lot. I could never get anyone to quite see what I saw and now, more and more, people see that she is quite emotionally guarded. She basically has no friends, is a bit socially awkward, had a lot of self hate, and feels little self worth. She takes meds to control anxiety and hair pulling. I worry about her but do not know where/how she can get help.
though she was not in an orphanage, she was placed with my adoptive mom, who was an abuser, and also, while my mother very much wanted to adopt me, she was not prepared for my sister. my parents got a call from their lawyer saying a newborn was available that day and the lawyer brought her over...
i was still in diapers...my mom was totally unprepared...and i think it just sent her over the edge. when my mom talks about it to this day she talks about what a 'bad' baby my sister was ::shivers:: i can only imagine what a lack of love my sister must have felt from my mother from the start...let alone what the punishments were for being a 'bad' baby...
anyway. i know now it was unhealthy, but i miss that little girl who was so very friendly to everyone and would show the love she had to give so freely (obviously the love she wanted so much to be shown in return by my mother most of all).
to see my sister now you would never know her. she is afraid to laugh. she hugs me only ever so slightly and i can feel how uncomfortable it makes her feel--she does it only out of duty, i'm sure...
i wish i could break through to her somehow...i am traumatized by our mother also...but not to that degree...as the older sister i feel so much guilt...i should have protected her...i love her so much...
i don't even think she thinks there is anything wrong...
she used to be out of control, i think she thinks...and now she has herself under control...she's said this more or less to me...
anyway...just blubbering, i guess. i love her so much.
i read everyone else's stories too. my heart goes out to you all.
xx, beep.
Because of the circumstances, I ended up in a different home, two parents with three kids. They were friends of my mom's. I immediately had behavioral issues there. I don't remember much because I was six, but I did weird things, to the point where they had my uncle come to the house and talk to me. How he got away with laying me across his lap I'll never know. I never wanted to be that close to anyone ever again. He had come this one night because I was playing sexual games with my "sister" (is that what I would call her since it wasn't my family She let me kiss her "private parts" and I guess her parents had heard about it. I felt no remorse or weirdness about it, though I had only been six so I can't speculate. Another night, I wasn't listening so they told me to do everything by myself that night, they were so fed up with me. They didn't talk to me that night at all until I took advantage of the punishment and made myself a sandwhich. I thnk they were pissed because that night felt like the greatest night of my life-independence, with people completely leaving me alone. I didn't have to talk to anybody, interact, make huge strains to behave. I think they saw this and it infuriated them even more. I always said rude things. Basically, I just wasn't a normal child. This family had enough of me and sent me to live with my grandparents, who in turn sent me to live with another set of my mother's friends, who in turn sent me back to my grandparents, who in turn finally set me out for adoption in June of 2002 and I was taken custody of in August of 2003.
I have been with Roz and Jai since then,now 18 years old. It has been nothing but a nightmare. My discovery and diagnoses of Reactive Attachment Disorder is very very recent. Having found out about it at this age was the most revealing, amazing, yet disturbing discovery I had ever made abuout myself. I have spent my whole life wondering why the hell I just couldn't seem to behave, why hugging people made me extremely uncomfortable, why I couldn't hold a stable relationship, yet why I felt the absolute need to have them, lest my life depended on it.
I spent most of middle school being this crazy kid who had no regard for rules, and kids my age loved it about me. I stood in the face of the adults (especially women) who tried their best to keep their dignity in check while dealing with a downright monstrosity. I'd curse, throw things and laugh about it when I got sent to the principal/disciplinarian, then completely manipulate the authority into believing I was this great kid. It's almost like they forgot what I had done and took complete interest in me having nothing to do with the situation.
I was diagnosed with many different things, it starting out with A.D.D, then turning into Depression, then Bipolar, then with Borderline Personality Disorder traits. I had turned 18 and I still had a adolescent psychologist. Apparently she had been planning on getting me with an adult psychologist, and literally on the last day, she finally told me about the diagnosis of RAD. It was almost as a sidenote, like "hey, by the way...!". She wouldn't have even told me if I hadn't prodded her numerous times throughout the session.
I have been paying careful attention lately to what I consciously experience, and it has been the most confusing thing I've ever experienced. I just can't imagine that anybody my age around me, goes through things like this and it feels terrible. Especially given my existing circumstances. This isn't complaining, I guess now its more of just mere and utter confusion. Logically I know that good people live good lives. People tell me I'm good, just extemely traumatized. Well if thats true, why haven't I stopped suffering? It makes for a huge lack of a sense of identity. I don't know who I am or where my moral compass lies. I feel like being different people on different days. One day I'm feeling particulary upbeat and "ready", and treat people with respect and maintain dignity and keep honest. The next day, something will set a fire inside of me and I'm back to being the socipath, wanting to scream in the face of those who love me most and write horror-core shit that makes all the teenagers' skin crawl. It's like I have more than one personality and the battle inside of me is physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausting. It makes it hard to go and get help because I think you know that's a process, and by the time I have an opportunity, I'm back to laying in the dark for hours and feeling self-destructive and preferring nothing else. It sucks man but I have a feeling that when it all gets resolved I'm going to have the story of a lifetime.
I always read about how people with RAD get treated, and what it always seems to boil down to is that if the child isn't treated by the time they're 12, the "prognosis isn't good". I have had my share of suicide attempts, and that prognosis just reminds me why I may feel like that sometimes.
I definitely was lucky that I didn't die with the hundreds of times I overdosed on medication, cut myself, poisoned myself, did reckless things. Depending on the day, it either feels like I'm still alive because I have a purpose of being here. And then other days, I feel like I'm here because I'm meant to torture the hearts and souls of anybody and everybody who foolishly cares about me. My purpose in life changes as much as the weather, along with my identity. I definitely don't have a secure sense of being and that's directly because of this disorder and everything that I experienced as a child.
"I definitely was lucky that I didn't die with the hundreds of times I overdosed on medication, cut myself, poisoned myself, did reckless things. Depending on the day, it either feels like I'm still alive because I have a purpose of being here. And then other days, I feel like I'm here because I'm meant to torture the hearts and souls of anybody and everybody who foolishly cares about me. My purpose in life changes as much as the weather, along with my identity. I definitely don't have a secure sense of being and that's directly because of this disorder and everything that I experienced as a child" (taken from bbfanof1's post)
This is a lot of how I feel. I have never attempted suicide. I think about it but I convince myself I am stronger than that. The hardest part of all of this for me is the fact that I have no idea why I have this. Every therapist I have seen calls me a "mystery" or an "enigma". I show all the symptoms of someone who suffers from RAD and AvPD but I don't have the background for it. I have a great family and was given all the love and attention in the world. Somewhere down the road I lost myself. i have been trying to find as much information on RAD as possible because I don't want to live the rest of my life like this but I am starting to think it is inevitable. It's hard to find info that doesn't pertain to children. If anyone has any resources please let me know. I am just looking for someone to actually understand me and it's nice seeing that there are others who feel just like me. This is no where near my whole story but I feel that would take forever to complete and I wouldn't even know where to begin. If anyone has some advice or help please send it my way. Thanks.
I am also a adoptee. I was adopted after a time in a orphanhome.
Since a few years I know I have RAD. I also never knew. As a kid I was a lot alone because I did not like the kids. The adults were to busy so I lived in a lot of books. I never had a close relationship with family, friends and later on with a partner. When it went to close I always run away. I could never understood that, until the moment of the test and the results of it. That was a slap in my face.
I understand your story and from all of you. Thank you again for posting this. (I am sorry for my english)
Sincerely Alexandra
Now, I'm married with a child and I have to face these issues to keep myself in the relationship with my husband. Not because he wants to leave me. Just the opposite. He wants the real me to come out and be with him. I want to stop the non-feelings, get through the pain and be "normal". Finding my birth mom is on the list of things to do, but letting go of all the empty feelings of abandonment are more important. I refuse to be dependent on a nonexistent relationship that has not done me a bit of good in my lifetime yet.
My daughter is the reason I realized I have this problem. There is nothing that can stop me from my feelings of love for her. It's the first time in my life I have allowed myself to be loved and to love in return. If I can do this with my wonderful husband, I'll be in for a happy life.
Thank you all for your open and undiluted words. I truly hope everyone here is able to work through their feelings and/or non-feelings from adoption. Ask me anything. I have nothing to hide. The truth does not hurt me.
I just joined. I see this string hasn't seen any activity for a while. You can look at my profile for my situation in a nutshell, but basically I have become convince that I suffer from attachment issues never addressed as a child. Not sure what can be done at this point, but I welcome suggestions. I have no desire to live really, except to keep from causing others grief. I am not depressed and mopey, just empty and without joy, goals, or any meaningful ambitions.
I have craved emotional and physical something forever, it seems, but I guess its my mother I seek, and that aint happening, so having tried all the empty routes, and now with religion not doing it any more either, I am done. I have given up, as I am clearly not relationship material. I can't make small talk and socialize, I don't enjoy parties and have no close friends or confidants. I have tried the online thing, and various other unmentionable methods of forming "relationships" using the term loosely. All that having been said, I would love to hear from any fellow sufferers or those either experience dealing with this as mentors.
All the best to all of you out there!
My primary caregiver adopted mom was Borderline Personality (I think she was originally vulnerable, being RAD Ambivalent), and having a "pathological primary caregiver" is almost a prerequisite for RAD. I then progressed along the avoidance scale from RAD to Schizoid. My brother progressed from RAD avoidant to Borderline Personality. Also, I think my sister is RAD Ambivalent, but I don't know enough about her.
Most men with RAD end up in prison - my brother fled from state to state, and eventually was murdered in TX due to his rage. Me, I am a Schizoid, so just sat in my room and read, smoking a lot of pot (pot is to Schizoids what tobacco is to Schiophrenics). Luckily I am gifted, so am a member of Mensa, and a National Master at chess, but can't network, and suffer specific angry rumination concerning my mom, and general homicidal ideation - very unproductive but not dangerous (according to mental health professionals I've consulted with). I am "unfit for talk therapy" and have been told to "avoid mental health professionals because they will misunderstand me."
I've made peace with my Schizoidism, although it has cost me so much in terms of economic achievement, but the RAD is a real pain. I've got a superior diet and exercise regime, but RAD really kicks my butt. I've been married for 20 years, and working in the hospitality field for 30, but neither very optimally. There is no treatment plan I know of for RAD, so FM. Sometimes I think it would be better to just reboot, but instead my research shows that extreme longevity treatments will be available in a couple of decades, so it is worth it for me to devote an extraordinary amount of effort at mental healing - and I do mean an extraordinary amount of effort, time, and ingenuity.
I've tried to remember every single moment from the time I was born until now. I've tried extensive meditation therapies. I've tried modifying my thought to make them more positive. I've am trying to let out all the venom, with the hope that it will eventually curb and I will pass to another more productive phase. I've tried talk therapy (my reaction is too intense), and consulting with mental health professionals (I scared them, and they overreacted). I also tried what I call "alphaization," whereby I smoked pot and drank alcohol heavily. Let me tell you - I might eventually, when the science is there, to eliminate targeted memories. Or another future strategy is to get an "Analysis AI" so I can lay back on a couch and spend countless hours in analysis (I can't do that with a human now mostly because it would be too expensive).
I don't want to ruminate hatred toward my mom, and I don't want general feelings of intense hatred and violence (which I haven't acted on in the twenty plus years I've experienced them). I don't want to be misanthropic or hostile (I am empathetic though, having lived with a Borderline Personality, I was forced to sense her moods in order to survive). Frankly, all these things work against me living a long long time, and decrease my quality of life (although as a Schizoid I don't feel emotions the way normal people do).