ADHD / ADD Support Group
Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and attention deficit disorder (ADD) are more common than you might think. It is a syndrome that exhibits symptoms such as hyperactivity, forgetfulness, mood shifts, poor impulse control, and distractibility. Join others who suffer from these conditions and share your experiences.
My grandson, age 23, came to live with us (his grandparents) about 5 months ago. As a teenager, he would come to visit us for a week or two during the summer. He was diagnosed with ADD as a 5 year old, and took medication until he was 17 or 18 years old. Now that he lives with us, we are finding he is constantly forgetting things...such as locking the house up after he comes home late at night, closing the garage door, closing the freezer door, leaving his house/car keys back in Chicago when he went for a visit to his parents, leaving his wallet in his desk at work over the weekend, locking himself out of his car on at least two occasions, and the list goes on......We tell him to make his bed and he is good for a day or two, then it does not get made....his hygiene is lacking, showers are lacking, clean clothes for work are lacking, he gets so involved on online computer games he stays up half the night or is out till 1-2 in the morning on some nights with friends (on a worknight), barely gets up on time to go to work, and some days gives himself only 10 minutes in the morning to throw some clothes (which are all on the floor in his closet) on and out of the house. He is definitely a bright young man, has a degree in Engineering and is working for an Engineering firm. We have tried to subtly discuss his hygiene, him looking decent and awake for work, and then at times we have been more direct. It is like he hears but does not listen. So how much of this is ADD, and how much of this is normal 23 year old? thanks for any input.
I have to ask, why is a 23-year-old living with his grandparents? Sounds like he has all the perks and none of the consequences. You said, "Wel tell him to make his bed." He's 23! And at some point he needs to be able to manage on his own.
I have ADHD and had a hard time with any of the meds I tried -- so I tried to find other ways to address my "issues."
I keep a small notebook where I know I'll see it and post reminders to myself. And most days, I'll keep a list of things I need to do (even minor things). If they're not checked off or crossed out, I know I haven't done them.
Calendar reminders don't help me if I forget to look at the calendar. So ...I use calendar "nags" (reminders) on my computer and also on my phone.
I keep a small notebook with me for "other" stuff.
I keep a larger notebook in case I have to write down a phone number, etc. This stops me from losing little slips of paper.
I keep a timer by the stove. When I start to boil water, I'll set the timer (otherwise I'll walk away and forget about it).
I never iron clothes or cook anything on the stove before leaving the house. Too much of a chance I'd leave something on.
I used to be miles away from the house and wouldn't remember if I'd locked the door or not. Now (and beware, this sounds a bit OCD), but I'll lock the door now and actually say out loud, "Door is locked. It's Sunday." Before I started doing this, I'd drive all the way back home to check the door.
A good friend has a copy of my house and car keys and I also keep an extra set of keys in my purse.
Back to his behavior -- he doesn't seem to care that he stinks and looks dirty and barely makes it to work (and I'm sure "work" has noticed his behavior).. "Being subtle" hasn't worked. Time for consistent tough love (but be aware that you can't "make" someone change -- they have to *want* to change). Better that he hears this stuff from someone who loves him unconditionally than a stranger (imagine a potential girlfriend telling him, "You're a cute guy, but you smell awful.").
If meds were helping him with the other stuff (ask him), he should probably get back on them. As he is now, he's completely all over the place and that's going to bite him in the butt at some point.
You, by the way, sound like you have the patience of a saint. :)
I'm going to disagree with Tracy about the hygiene thing being laziness instead of ADHD. It's embarrassing to admit now, but I was WELL into adulthood before I started brushing my teeth especially regularly, and I really think it was more ADHD than laziness. I'm still overwhelmed sometimes by the many individual tasks between the morning alarm and the time I can leave for my (engineering) job--and I've been working nearly 30 years.
Your grandson is an adult now and will have to be responsible for his own conduct. You are NOT his parent, and even if you were, you can do more for him by letting him be responsible for himself. My 20-year-old son has ADHD. He lives on his own (in squalor!), but we see eachother frequently. Rather than nag him, I (try to) ask him what he wants my help with, or offer specific assistance ("do you want me to help you get your change-or-address form completed?"). I did ask him recently how long it had been since he'd brushed his teeth. (Answer: 3 days! I probably should have told him I'd never hire him, and that I don't know why his girlfriend tolerates it, but I didn't. Still might, though!)
About the drugs. He will have to decide for himself that he wants them. It doesn't sound like he'll talk to you about it, but I hope he knows that different medications "feel" different; just because one made him a zombie doesn't mean that another won't work really well. Would it work to make seeing a therapist or an ADHD coach a condition of his living with you? (The answer is "no" if you won't be able to throw him out if he doesn't do it!) He might let a therapist get through to him even if he won't listen to you.
Finally--could you just let go of the desire to have his clothes on hangers and the bed made? Please don't read an edgy tone into that, it's a straight-up question. Honestly, I brush my teeth regularly (finally!), but there's a pile of clothes on the floor in my closet and my bed is unmade at least 1/2 the time...and I'm a middle-aged woman on the right dose of ADHD medication. If it didn't matter as much to you, you might enjoy your grandson more. But only you can say if you can tolerate it.
Good luck, and Tracy is right--you ARE a saint!! Hang in there.
Have a great day!