Lilly I totally agree. Before I was diagnosed I wasn't much of a Christian and a friend of mine came and visited me in the hospital and really pushed me in the direction of the bible and god. I started to read and get more involved and its amazing how you come to realize certain things really don't matter anymore. Im just thankful to be alive and watch a sunrise in the mornings. God has done so much for me thru all this and I promised him once im able im going to get very involved in my church and try to help out more. Theres a scripture in the bible that basically says "god may let bad things happen to us to make us a better person" I can honestly say im a firm believer in that. Its that overwhelming peace of mind that you get when you have god in your life and then you notice how he blesses you. Im truly thankful for what he has done for me and im going to spend the rest of my life devoted to him and being a better person :)

After the induction chemo my plateletts dropped so low that I had a brain bleed from it. And was put into ICU for a few days. The docs told me I could die at anytime. I didn't pray for my life to be saved. I prayed for peace and acceptance of his will. I am still surprised at myself for that one. I have never felt so much peace, ever!
For years I casually referred to myself as a renegade Christian. But let me tell you when I was looking straight into death, there was no renegade about me. I completely surrendered. My brain stopped bleeding and rapidly started to heal itself. I am no longer a "Renegade Christian." I don't know what to make of it. But I do know that I am so grateful to be alive. To be in remission. I look at life so much different now.

Quite true -- chemo is one thing ... the Unit is something else. It is quite scary, but I think I was able to let the Lord do my worrying. Not that I was immune to being scared.

Everyone should get the chance to live like they were dying. Some of the words:

I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying ...

He said "I hope some day you get that chance ...
to live like you were dying."

I doubt there are too many on this forum who do not recognize the value of the experience that they have gone thru, or perhaps are going through. If not, I think someday you will.

If you want to hear my rendition of "Live Like You Were Dying" it is at http://UncleDavesJukebox.com

I must admit -- I got a bit emotional. Use earphones or PC speakers -- it will not come out very well on laptop speakers. I am just getting started trying to make the BR-8 recorder work. -- dave

God works miracles and until I was diagnosed I never knew what all he could do. I'm living proof of that and everyone else on here. There is nothing that gives more joy than going to church and watching a sunrise on a warm summer morning. I just love god so much and it's great to know he loves me back

My father died from AML last July. It seems that it is hard to find something good in my situation. But I did. I am grateful that the last year of his life we spent so much time together. He stopped working, of course, and we had a whole year, all holidays, birthdays. And he was actually able to enjoy them because he felt good even on chemo. He was in the hospital in June and the doctors told me that he will not make it out. But he improved and got back home. We had the last Father's day together, and he stayed with us another three precious weeks.
Several events that occurred around the time my father left us and after his passing made me absolutely convinced that the life of the soul continues after death. I believed this before, but now I don't believe, I KNOW without doubt. And this is a good thing, because it changed me in a lot of ways. I know that I will meet my father again, and I am not afraid to go when my time comes.

I agree totally. In my 30 years as a physician, I have seen the moment when the soul leaves the body. I am convinced that the soul lives on. Nevertheless, I am still afraid to die and could find no solace in my beliefs to cushion me when Ollie passed away. I cried for 24 hours straight. I think that a bit of his soul entered each of us. I wish I could have received more, but I guess that would be selfish. I wish I had your sense of being at peace when your time comes. As of this moment, I will go kicking and screaming.

Cliff

They key word here is "when the time comes"... I love and appreciate life and all the wonderful things that it offers. I miss Ollie too. He is in a good place where life is eternal, where there is no disease, no pain, no suffering. And I am sure such an active and caring soul like him has a special job there to keep him busy.

What I read, is that we have all been changed in ways we never imagined. I am blessed to know you. I felt like coming back to GOD was weak in my desperate time of need, but instead it has been a powerful experience. With AML, I would not have the fortune of meeting so many people on the path and the healers and caregivers. I know my friends, seen and unseen and I am a better person as a result.
I am like Cliff, kicking and screaming I will go, but because I need the solace of knowing my family will not suffer. That by far has been my biggest goal, getting home to take care of the family God entrusted to me. I also want to spread the word to others suffering. I miss Ollie and am so lucky to have hopped on this forum when I did. The love you have all given me is beyond words.
Today is my daughter's 22 birthday. I am housed in the same hospital I gave birth all those years ago. Tonight she wants to celebrate with an ACME (store bought cake). Normally, I would be up making chicken Parmesan, pot roast, lasagna and Caesar salad for about 30 people. She was the first grandchild on both sides of the family. So this year, we adjust. I told her, when we are done with this AML thing, we will celebrate everyone's birthday we missed this year at the beachfront houseI intend to rent for a week with my borrowed 401 k money. Then it will be right in the world again. Love you all! Happy Sunday!
Peace, love & hope eternal.
Andrea

Andrea,

I don't know what it is about you. Your posts always bring out emotion in me, usually a big smile. Your zest for life and your uncomplaining nature is a pleasure to behold. Your family must cherish you.

Cliff

Happy birthday to your daughter, Andrea. I hope you two had a special day. I agree with you about those on this site. Lots of wonderful, wise folks. I am new, but have already been blessed.

I also will fight tooth and nail to live. For a few days though, I was powerless. And a gave it up to God and was blessed with peace.

I came in right at the time Ollie died. I wish so much I could have known him. I will read through past posts.

Yes, I can recall when I was just willing to give it up and then I thought -- GOD has given me this life and God does not want me to give it up just like that. So I am going to go down fighting. I love to hear all of you make up your minds to fight for it until the end. That is showing God how much you appreciate the gift He has given you.

There is a readon for every experience we have ... God is in control. -- dave

Hadn't seen this thread until tonight....Silver Linings. I needed a reminder that everything has an up-side if we look for it. Thank you for your posts here. They reminded me of a journal entry I wrote on this site at Thanksgiving --the gist of it being that even with a diagnosis like AML, there are still things to be thankful for. Please read it if you'd like. I hope it will encourage others just as you have encouraged me tonight. =)
--Gloria

Gloria -- it will be hard for most of us to find -- please copy it in here. Highlight it, do a Ctrl C and then come over to this comment box and do a Ctrl V. Hoping it will bring back some old memories -- dave

Ok Dave, but it's a long one...... ;-) Here ya go:

Thanksgiving was just a few short days ago. This year's holiday was so much better than last year. My family ended up together for several hours at my parent's house as opposed to scattered between here and Duke where my sister was last Thanksgiving. And we all got homemade pumpkin pie. =)

But then I got to thinking about how different this year was from last year on a deeper level. This year was good, family was together, we shared laughter and tears, and more laughter. Last year we were scared it was the end of Nicole's life with us on this side of eternity, yet we kept hoping and praying for a miracle that would heal her. This year she is not with us; we didn't get the miracle we prayed for. My deep, soul searching questions on Thanksgiving day while in the middle of grief: What can we be thankful for this year? Is it possible to be thankful for her leukemia diagnosis? Thankful for Leukemia???? Can that be????

I pondered it for a while and found my answer. Yes. There is much to be thankful for, even if that phrase sounds rather cliche. And yes, I can be thankful for her leukemia diagnosis because there were good things tucked inside of it.

Here is my list of things I am thankful for as they came wrapped in a leukemia diagnosis:

My relationship with my sister is a treasure. Now more than ever.

My family united in ways I'd not seen in a very, very long time. And we are still very close even a year later.

I am thankful for new friendships I would not have had otherwise. Nicole's illness brought us together.

I am thankful for new experiences that have enriched my life, both before and after Nicole died, but all of them directly related to her diagnosis and treatments.

I am thankful that our entire family was with Nicole as she breathed her last. It was peaceful and beautiful. I am glad we were there to say "good bye" and sing her into eternity. It was powerful.

I am thankful for bad days. Good days too, but also the bad. They let me know the grief hasn't overwhelmed me to the point of becoming numb. Numb days would mean something is horribly wrong. Bad days are still good because I am feeling something.

I am thankful for Nicole's example of strength and courage, both clothed in grace, as she faced each treatment. I learned so much from her in how she approached every day. I try to emulate her in that way.

I am thankful for the bond I have with Nicole's little boy, my nephew. Those many hours in the car to go "see mama!" let us talk (or I talked and he babbled) and sing and laugh together. So many fun memories! The nights we kept him and I tucked him in bed we prayed together for Nicole. Besides his Nana, his face lights up when I enter the room and that makes this auntie very, very happy. =)

I am thankful for the spiritual lessons I learned through this Leukemia journey. I found the solid bed-rock of my faith and even death cannot move me. My relationship with God is deeper and more authentic than it was before. "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me" is not just a verse of the 23rd Psalm quoted by rote memory - it has been my experience. A deeply profound experience that has changed much in my heart. Too many experiences and revelations to share here..........

I am thankful for the closer relationship between my brother and I as we walked through this with our sister, and then with each other in grief. Tough as he is, he is quicker now to show emotion and tell me that he loves me. Those words are treasures.

I am thankful for the authenticity that other family members have had to embrace. With the masks down is makes relationships more true. I value that. Life is too short to be unauthentic with those closest to you.

And I could go on.......

Leukemia is not something I would ever ask for. It was a hard, painful journey that did not end with happy news as it does for so many others. Yet in the wake left behind I can see good things. I can still find things to be thankful for. =)

Gloria,

thank you for sharing your journal with us. Your precious, sister Nicole was so special, thank the Lord for her.
By the grace of God, she has left you and your family with so many beautiful gifts to cherish. Nicole's life will never be in vain. I can't explain the mixed emotions of sadness and yet so much joy, your posting brought out in me. Please make sure many, many people see it. It surely is a testimony to God's grace. Nehemiah 8:10 "the joy of the Lord is your strength"
Thank you again Gloria

You are in my prayers,
Sandra.