What's big and gray and jittery?
An elephant that drinks too much coffee.

Elephant Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/4979106

Sign outside Ryan Brothers Coffee House in San Diego, California, U.S.A.: "Life Is Too Short To Be Bitter."

'Sign Humor' is now under construction...

Waitress: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

'Color Humor' is being planned...

Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea? Waiter: What does it taste like? Customer: It tastes like gasoline! Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.

'Tea Humor' to come...

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye." The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Mental Health And Psychiatry Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/8085291

Jean-Paul Sartre & Coffee

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"

Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.

A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

Jean-Paul Sartre & Coffee

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"

Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.

A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

Restaurant Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/5210654

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning...I reply, “No, I just bring her some coffee!!!”

Marriage Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/8493782

Bad Cup of Coffee

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV,

'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Family And Home Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/9302132

The 23rd Cup

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures;
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my alertness.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I'll fear no Equal for thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy flavorings they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my days with vigor; my mug runneth over.
Surely flavor and aroma shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.
Amen!

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

• you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• you lick your coffee pot clean.
• you can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
• you have to watch videos in fast-forward to prevent boredom.
• your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• you want to be cremated so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
• you can take a picture of yourself from 10 feet away without using the timer.
• can jump start your car without cables.
• you don't need a hammer to pound nails.
• you buy sugar by the barrel.
• you wear the finish off your coffee table.
• you are so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• you channel surf faster without a remote.
• you short out motion detectors.
• the only time you're standing still is in an earthquake.
• the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• Kramer of Seinfeld thinks you need to calm down.
• you name your cats Cream & Sugar.
• your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• your nervous twitches register on the Richter scale.
• you think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
• you're employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
• you chew on other people's fingernails.
• you don't sweat, you percolate.
• you walk ten miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
• your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• when someone says how are you? you say "good to the last drop."
• you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• you don't tan, you roast.
• you don't get mad, you get steamed.
• you think C.P.R. stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
• all of your children are named Joe.
• your T-shirt says Decaf Rules!
• you are able to outlast the energizer bunny.
• your survival kit has a pound of coffee & a grinder.
• you sleep with your eyes open.
• your hand is molded to the shape of your coffee mug.
• you answer your door before anyone knocks.
• you spend every vacation in Kona, Hawaii.
• your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
• Juan Valdez sends you a thank you card.

We need more jittery jokes, so if you have any, please add them!

I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."

Diet And Exercise Humor
www.dailystrength.org/groups/laughterclub/discussions/messages/12511184