jzrozzn8706

About Me

My name is Jonathan. I suffer from depression/anxiety. I guess I can expand this a little more. When I was a child, I watched as my alcoholic father beat my older brother almost to death. He did this all the time. He would find new reasons to beat him. I have a younger brother who is 1 year younger than me and my older brother is 9 years older than me. My alcoholic mother just sat around, drunk, and watched. My older bro would always stick up for us whenever we broke something or did anything wrong. I figured out later that he is actually my half-brother and that is one reason why my dad beat him, and the other reason is because Josh (my big bro) was a little slow in the head...and my dad hated that about him. At the age of 18, Josh left for the military and I was in charge. I had to take care of the household since I was the most responsible with my parents being drunk and my dad being gone for long amounts of time on the road (truck driver). I took care of my little brother and my mom. I cooked breakfast and dinner for the family for a long time. Sometimes I ran away and would sleep in tunnels overnight or dig a hole in the ground and sleep there just so I wouldn\'t have to deal with everything at home. I had no friends, so that wasn\'t an option. Sometimes, I visited the church down the alley a few blocks away. They were nice folk and it was comforting to be around them. Around 12 years old, I listened to some sermons and visited a children\'s church camp. After understanding a little more about God and what He was like as a Father and a comforter and how He loves me, I decided I wanted to follow Him. I lived this lifestyle for a little while (not really knowing anything about it) and it was influential on my mom and little bro. Long story short (since I get so tired of writing), I\'m going to divide the rest up into 2 parts and you can ask me questions later. The negative factors in my life: 1. Since childhood, my dad was always verbally abusive and convinced me that I will always fail at everything. Since I began school I was bullied and never made any real friends (meaning some people were a little nicer to me and would talk to me). Any relationships I had with girls always ended sour. I almost got sent to jail for threatening a few preps that I would bring a knife to school and show them a lesson. But, instead I was given the opportunity to switch schools. I had major depression issues going on at this time (around 9th grade) and would go see a counselor sometimes. We didn\'t really get anywhere. I ended up graduating from the school I switched to. Things were ok in college. However, I hit some crazy depression spells at times, but I just held them in and continued on. During my Junior and Senior years I began failing classes, I would constantly inflict myself with words of hate and lies. I lied often to the friends I had and learned to become a pretty good liar. Also, throughout this time I was dealing pretty heavily in online pornography. Sometimes it got pretty severe--to the point of trying to find underaged girls online. I was becoming very sick and I didn\'t see it. Finally, after becoming very tired of the world with all the pain in this world, after deciding this was enough (chronic shoulder pain, worries, fears, sadness, madness), I figured I would end it myself. I prayed that God would do it, that He would take me. I prayed fervently for it...but I couldn\'t wait anymore. On April 19, 2010 I woke up, decided to skip class, drove over to the gun trade shop, bought a .45 pistol, drove home, naturally loaded the clip into the gun, and sat there. I sat on my recliner for a good hour while massaging the barrel of the .45, until I thought about what the college therapist said to me. She said that if I was ever considering hurting myself, that I should call her. Well, I don\'t know why, but I must of had a change of plans because I went searching for the little piece of paper with the therapist\'s number on it. After I finally found it, I said to myself \"I\'m just gonna call her and tell her that I appreciate what she did but I just want her to know that it\'s over for me now\". I called her up. I told her what I planned on telling her. I had the gun up to my temple, ready to pull the trigger, when she started asking me questions and making me think. I don\'t remember exactly what she said, but it must have been important enough to persuade me to give her my address so that the cops can come and take me to a hospital... I complied. I laid the gun down on the recliner after unloading it and sat there waiting for the cops. They took me to a mental hospital in OKC. I was there for a week (that hell of a place), and then I was transferred to a better place and closer to home. I was there for 1 1/2 weeks. Now, I\'m on a few meds and trying to survive/and trying to enjoy life. It\'s still pretty hard sometimes. Often, I will call myself a failure, lose hope, and long for death. It gets pretty lonely in Kansas City. Now, some good things that have happened: 2. When I was 15, my mom gave up drinking and became a Christian. She has been the biggest support through my life. After graduating high school and going to college, I finally met/made some real friends! These guys/girls were the best ever! And I just wish I could let them know everyday! After my mom got sick of my dad drinking, she finally kicked him out; after 6 months he returned from Denver, CO and asked for help. Now, he\'s been sober since 2007! He was still the same way for a little while towards me, but not as badly; after I attempted to kill myself he changed a lot. He knows now what damage he caused in the past. Him and Josh made up too...finally! Josh and his kids live right next door to my parents now, so \"gpa\" has a lot on his hands since becoming disabled. I am still working on my bachelor\'s (could be good or bad), and am still recovering as long as I take meds and talk to therapist weekly. Yep. Anything, just ask.