zipping and zapping
As I lay in bed tossing and turning last night, waiting for the painkillers to kick-in, I knew that I was once again suffering the consequences of my own actions. I HURT. Every major muscle group hurt and a few bones too. My right arm was swollen and throbbing, my right ankle also, my knees, my back, my groin..even my wrists and elbows hurt. I tolerated the pain most of the day, but in the still of the night when sleep would not come because of the pain, I gave in a popped a few.
You might not be surprised to know that in the past few days I have walked for several miles through 1/2doz hardware stores, run errands, got a mani-pedi (first one I have been able to sit through in about a year), laid a portion of my bedroom floor, hand-plastered a wall (hence the swollen wrist) AND changed my sheets, cooked for myself and washed up after.
Before I got sick I would have plastered my room in 1 day (not just 1 wall) and laid my floor in 2 (now on day 5 - I started in December and am just about 1/2 done). Activities such as shopping, personal care and housework would not have merited comment. But I live with CFS and because of it the list above is a tremendous achievement .. Its been a GREAT couple of days!
Today I'm all woogy and hung over. Its difficult sitting upright , everything is blurry and my brain is scrambled.. its one of THOSE days, but I really don't mind. How can I explain to anyone the compulsion to DO SOMETHING just because you can! Because its a privilege to be able to complete simple tasks. How do I explain why I would walk into a store already tired and hurting, and keep walking for hours because it is so rarely that I get to simply walk around and do stuff that healthy people take for granted. So if you were observant you'd note that my pace got slower, and slower. You'd catch me holding my back or rubbing my tummy or limping a bit. You may seem me hang on to a shelf for balance and I may have looked a little loopy. But I DID it!
You can probably guess by now that I am caught in the throes of a BPD/CFS cocktail. I am in a bi-polar upswing, the down side is I cannot switch-off until I drive myself to exhaustion. Its not deliberate, I just cant be still. Last night even though I was in so much pain, I kept popping out of bed to do this or that. My CFS mind knows I need the rest, but that little BPD monster just keeps going and going.
The past few days has given me a glimpse at what life used to be like without CFS and I am so grateful for it. So I'll deal with the pain, I'll deal with the energy hang-overs, I'm just thankful to feel close to normal for a little while.
PS : I pray this upswing holds for a few weeks, its just what my body needs to get through the stress of surgery.
You might not be surprised to know that in the past few days I have walked for several miles through 1/2doz hardware stores, run errands, got a mani-pedi (first one I have been able to sit through in about a year), laid a portion of my bedroom floor, hand-plastered a wall (hence the swollen wrist) AND changed my sheets, cooked for myself and washed up after.
Before I got sick I would have plastered my room in 1 day (not just 1 wall) and laid my floor in 2 (now on day 5 - I started in December and am just about 1/2 done). Activities such as shopping, personal care and housework would not have merited comment. But I live with CFS and because of it the list above is a tremendous achievement .. Its been a GREAT couple of days!
Today I'm all woogy and hung over. Its difficult sitting upright , everything is blurry and my brain is scrambled.. its one of THOSE days, but I really don't mind. How can I explain to anyone the compulsion to DO SOMETHING just because you can! Because its a privilege to be able to complete simple tasks. How do I explain why I would walk into a store already tired and hurting, and keep walking for hours because it is so rarely that I get to simply walk around and do stuff that healthy people take for granted. So if you were observant you'd note that my pace got slower, and slower. You'd catch me holding my back or rubbing my tummy or limping a bit. You may seem me hang on to a shelf for balance and I may have looked a little loopy. But I DID it!
You can probably guess by now that I am caught in the throes of a BPD/CFS cocktail. I am in a bi-polar upswing, the down side is I cannot switch-off until I drive myself to exhaustion. Its not deliberate, I just cant be still. Last night even though I was in so much pain, I kept popping out of bed to do this or that. My CFS mind knows I need the rest, but that little BPD monster just keeps going and going.
The past few days has given me a glimpse at what life used to be like without CFS and I am so grateful for it. So I'll deal with the pain, I'll deal with the energy hang-overs, I'm just thankful to feel close to normal for a little while.
PS : I pray this upswing holds for a few weeks, its just what my body needs to get through the stress of surgery.
Replies
baby girl you done been to overdidit town........holy too much stuff done! that list made me dizzy........and tired! hope you\'re icing or using heat on that wrist.......that you are taking some time to breathe.
i never remember to ask but how did you learn to do all the construction skills? are you really in tune with how things work, putting things together and so on? it sounds like you have a lot of creativity mixed with so many practical skills..........i have a lot of ideas but no idea how to implement them!!!! i admire your spunk and zest for making your home the way you want it.........it takes time but i just know it\'s gonna be so beautiful.
i hope that you can get some sleep in the middle of all the projects you have going on.........wish we could go out to lunch and make lists and laugh for a little while.........i had a good day today and i am savoring the memory of it......feel so contented! hugs, ruthie
Whelp! I have a daughter with BPD and I have CFS. I\'d say you sound like you had a day that I dream of but can\'t do, and my daughter DOES it,but can\'t stop! LOL! I totally get what you\'re talking about.
What you did was phenominal in the CFS world. Totally! And I DO understand what a great achievement it was just to be a \"person\" like you used to be, for a while. WONDERFUL! I also understand the little BPD gremlin running around your brain, making your body move to the point of exhaustion. It must seem crazy! I can only imagine!
However, I think you have it figured out. You know what you\'re doing, know how you\'ll \"pay for it\", but you also know that it\'s kind of out of your control!! Only someone with CFS would get that. I\'m so glad you enjoyed your \"up\" time.
You done good. Sometimes we just have to say, \"ok, if I crash, I crash, but LOOK WHAT I DID\"!!!! Yep. I hear ya! xox
I understand what you mean by not being able to stop.I have an old friend who had a husband with BPD and he used to suffer with adrenal exhaustion from his swings.He just kept going until he collapsed himself.I don\'t think his meds seem to control it very well.He had shocking side effects from the meds and really suffered.I think you do amazingly well considering you don\'t take meds.You keep so much together, your job, looking after your son, renovating your house.You sure do a lot.Not sure what advice to give on how you can pace better.You do need to rest up before your surgery though.If you didn\'t have the BPD you wouldn\'t fire up and get so much done, so maybe it\'s a positive for you.You sure are talented, I just wonder how you learnt to do so many things.Hugs to ya Jamaican girl xoxo