"Your real freedom comes when you learn how to regulate yourself"

A really wonderful resource I listened to..... forgive my notes as they are messy.... Ironically, I listened to this right before I was heavily triggered into a defensive state. So there's that. A blessing in disguise so I can understand myself better??? 

Jeffrey Rutstein states...

Evolution gifts us to recognize danger and lack of safety. We can have a strong reaction when we perceive danger, even from small things. When fight/running isn’t an option. Freeze won’t solve the repetitive problem. We can attach if we are helpless enough. 

As a little girl I was starved for connection but "I was fine". I was "surviving".. yes, a blessing then to survive but apparently these defense mechanisms have stuck more than I know... and there's more defense mechanisms in me than I had realized. 

I don't find myself needy. I actually find myself distant and connecting with people only to a certain point where I immediately pull away, move or change jobs. My close relationships experience this once a month, where I have to leave for 7-10 days just to reset.... or I will do this when the fragmented, child version of me is strongly present... or the teenage version of me is strongly present. This is necessary because being now on month 10 of weekly psychotherapy a lot of shit gets triggered and dug up. We're over 40 sessions now. It pulls me into a lot of fragmented states. 

I guess that is the paradox of life. Feeling two opposing things at once... Just like having shitty parents. Needing them but also being scared of them. 

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Learning about attached states: 

When in these states we are incredibly unsettled inside. So overwhelmed with feelings of danger we need the other person to help us feel okay. Ie. like when children and puppies need us.

Adults will see this in relationships with Narcissists or from parents of narcissists. Check and check. Desperate to being attached to a caretaker like their life depends on it. If you’re the child of a Narcissist you will notice you visit this defense mechanism regularly beacuse the parent easily forgets about you. You plead with them – please see that I need you. ...My dad being psychopathic. My ex sociopathic.. the distinction being my dad will never experience empathy and he is very intelligent and will calmly destroy you while breaking the law - my ex is capable of empathy but his patterns are malignant narcissim/reactive/rage/seeks to control but does not do this well and ruins his own life while he is at it. 

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The nervous system in this attach state is very dysregulated. They’re scared, attached, afraid, panicking, feel totally unsafe. The only thing that will save them is someone else. Attach has a strong survival value because we can survive better with others than alone. The more helpless we are the more we rely on attach state dynamics. Very little can trigger this. We lose sight of everything else to maintain attachment at all costs, they forget what they might need or want and the only thing they care about is the other person, are they coming to save me?

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It makes sense how many mistakes I have made from this defensive state of mind.... Secret relationships, attachment to relationships that didn't even exist, "daddy issues" though I fucking hate those words... there is some truth... I think I hate these words because it is demeaning to the women that experience this and it is not their fault... They were clearly damaged as little girls and deserve some fucking connection. Don't daddy issues me. (lol side rant) My nervous system is still incredibly overwhelmed... and I rarely get angry (submit defensive state) so I am going to soak in the anger anytime it comes up. I need more of that one...

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This state stops us from living an authentic life.

You are dysregulated a lot of the time.

Stuck in the on position way that maintains suffering for trauma survivors.

Freedom is coming out of that state to a more grounded and regulated state.

Your real freedom comes when you learn how to regulate yourself.

Not so overwhelmed , activated all the time. You can actually have your life without being stuck in these states that seem to pop out of no where.

Embody safety inside of you.