"you don't make me feel safe enough"
i think- or i know, rather, that who i am doesn't help my SO's condition. i am a creative woman involved in creative projects that are pretty much within a man's world. in the beginning, i stupidly let on more about my past relationships than i should have. i told him some stories, he asked questions, and so i answered them. the thing is, he has a very therapeutic nature. early on i wasn't aware of how much this information would hurt him, or how often it would be used to justify how dangerous he feels it is to be in a relationship with me. (or how often it would be used against me...) so when i disclosed my past, i thought it was to a person who was very open-minded and accepting. and for the most part he IS, except when it pertains to us, our relationship, and his ability to trust me.
now it's as though it was all my fault. i do blame myself for revealing as much as i did. i think it's one of the key rules in the relationship handbook: you don't tell your present lovers about your past. so, yeah, i messed up there. but i have never done anything that has actually indicated that i am not committed to him. i tell him how much i love him, and i tell him all the reasons why when he asks to hear them. i have stopped being in contact with social groups where there might be anyone that makes him uncomfortable. i have stopped using some of my creative compositions because he is certain they are about love for other people, when, in reality, they were really just about love in general, most of which was made up. i try very hard not to talk about my past in any way, because he says that i have supposedly always been with someone, and that when i talk about past events he can't help but think about who i was involved with at the time. so big life events, like trips and travel, i can't talk about because he says it makes him wonder if i did these activities with someone i was involved with, even if i wasn't at the time, and even if i tiptoe with my words so that my stories don't reveal anything along these lines.
it's not that i'm perfect. i'm not. i've made mistakes. and i realize that it takes two to be in a relationship and two for it to have its good and its bad times. but i feel stuck, too. i don't want to lie to him about my past, but i don't want to give him any fuel for his pain. i also don't want to hear his insults when he's in his dark places. it hurts, even though i don't feel as though they are true. i feel trapped. if he asks questions about my past and i lie, i'm afraid it will come back to me and be used as evidence of deception and reasons not to trust me, when, really, i just don't want it to be used against me.
one time when i was really pissed, i told him to "go find a virgin with no ambition."
i used to only talk to him about our relationship problems. but he couldn't handle that, saying he felt threatened by the problems i had with his behavior. so i would talk to a close friend. then he thought she didn't like him, and wanted to know what i talked about with her. AUGH! she wound up betraying my confidence, which was really kind of a traumatic experience for me, because i thought some of the things i had talked about with her would somehow get back to him. big things. big, personal things. so i've talked to my parents a little. my dad has been really helpful. and i've talked to some other family members who are like brothers and sisters. but now he's so suspicious about what i say! he has people he talks to, why can't i? and then i tell him i'm going to go see a therapist to try and help me find a way to make our relationship work. "make sure when you tell the therapist all the bad things about me, you tell them all the bad things about you, too."
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??!!
has anyone ever made him feel safe enough?
now it's as though it was all my fault. i do blame myself for revealing as much as i did. i think it's one of the key rules in the relationship handbook: you don't tell your present lovers about your past. so, yeah, i messed up there. but i have never done anything that has actually indicated that i am not committed to him. i tell him how much i love him, and i tell him all the reasons why when he asks to hear them. i have stopped being in contact with social groups where there might be anyone that makes him uncomfortable. i have stopped using some of my creative compositions because he is certain they are about love for other people, when, in reality, they were really just about love in general, most of which was made up. i try very hard not to talk about my past in any way, because he says that i have supposedly always been with someone, and that when i talk about past events he can't help but think about who i was involved with at the time. so big life events, like trips and travel, i can't talk about because he says it makes him wonder if i did these activities with someone i was involved with, even if i wasn't at the time, and even if i tiptoe with my words so that my stories don't reveal anything along these lines.
it's not that i'm perfect. i'm not. i've made mistakes. and i realize that it takes two to be in a relationship and two for it to have its good and its bad times. but i feel stuck, too. i don't want to lie to him about my past, but i don't want to give him any fuel for his pain. i also don't want to hear his insults when he's in his dark places. it hurts, even though i don't feel as though they are true. i feel trapped. if he asks questions about my past and i lie, i'm afraid it will come back to me and be used as evidence of deception and reasons not to trust me, when, really, i just don't want it to be used against me.
one time when i was really pissed, i told him to "go find a virgin with no ambition."
i used to only talk to him about our relationship problems. but he couldn't handle that, saying he felt threatened by the problems i had with his behavior. so i would talk to a close friend. then he thought she didn't like him, and wanted to know what i talked about with her. AUGH! she wound up betraying my confidence, which was really kind of a traumatic experience for me, because i thought some of the things i had talked about with her would somehow get back to him. big things. big, personal things. so i've talked to my parents a little. my dad has been really helpful. and i've talked to some other family members who are like brothers and sisters. but now he's so suspicious about what i say! he has people he talks to, why can't i? and then i tell him i'm going to go see a therapist to try and help me find a way to make our relationship work. "make sure when you tell the therapist all the bad things about me, you tell them all the bad things about you, too."
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??!!
has anyone ever made him feel safe enough?
Replies