Yet again. ....time to change

So yes, I'm on here to write that I drank this weekend.  I drank friday night and drank all day Saturday.  Nothing terrible happened, nothing lost, didn't fuck up anything too bad.  I did have this one guy who I really liked who is sober hang out with me when I was drunk, and I think it turned him off.  I have to get it through my thick skull that poeple do not like me when I'm drunk.  And it's when I start to dim out due to excessive alcohol consumption that this unattractive person  emerges from myself.  So of course I am fully responsible for putting myself in that state, but I don't like that person any more than they do.  I just get so loud and say outrageous, stupid, slightly offensive, know-it-all-y things.  so i feel ashamed and sad, cause this guy hasn't really texted me back and i totally understand.  he's also 31 and a professional muay thai fighter......like he travels the world fighting muay thai and lives off his prize money.  he's from the hood too so he has seen a lot and is self made.  but you know what?  he wants an open relationship and i'm really just starting to realize i can't feel sexual toward someone unless i love them.  and i really like him a lot and want him to like me but it would be a lie if i were to say i was turned on by him too much, even though he obviously has a super insane superhero body....... and maybe this drinking incident is helping me check myself before i start having sex with him just to get his approval.  ultimately being in an open relationship with somone like that is going to bring out feelings of inadequacy and neediness in myself.  i'm not ready.  so anyway, in an effort to stop feeling this slightly obsessive thing where i keep checking my phone only to see he has not responded to any of my texts and then just letting my mind run rampant....i set up a date with someone else tonight.  and told them i am sober; this guy is from israel and works online and is sober too.  i only want sober boyfriends in my life.  

every guy that i've talked to out here inevitably gets freaked out when i drink and then stops talking to me.  i understand, completely, too.  so maybe this time around i will actually take this experience to heart and not drink anymore.  i actually did have a lot of fun friday night, but it was just kind of stupid.....it's not like i remember much.  i went out to a bar and danced around and talked to people and got all dressed up in my hippie buddhist spice girl kind of way.  this time i drank to celebrate.  it was fun feeling so uninhibited, but i need to grow up.  the ensuing hangover yesterday and this morning still....def. not the worst.  i know how to handle my mind at this point and to cope with a hangover.  but it's still *incrediably* unbalancing and slightly scary.  i don't like being thrown off like that and feeling so low.  the fog is lifting now.  i just want it to stop, i want my resolution to remain steadfast.  how come in a week or two that desire will creep back in beckoning me to drink for whatever reason, both mentally and viscerally i will feel its pull.  but i don't want to!!! i don't.  my goal right now is two months.  i wish i could go forever without drinking, i'm tired of my patterns and i can see my patterns.  i think i will try to work out more and *actually* go to AA.  

at least last week was somewhat productive, i've gotten a lot done with my sewing (well not a lot, but some!) and i got my job back online that i thought i lost although my paycheck this month is awful because i had no bookings.  long story.  i got another job though at the language school up the street for a couple hours a week and also to do some translation work.  the pay is low but it's super laid back.  i am teaching a class there in an hour to a 6 year old girl.  i'm not nervous at all but there's no structure to these lessons!  it's like....go in and teach or play or talk.  i'm not goign to worry because at this point i've taught probably 1000 english classes, no joke.  so i got this.  

anyway, about to take a shower and get ready for this class.  everything is ok and good and i just want to grow and change from this experience.  i really want to change.  i really don't want to drink.  i'm happy nothing terrible happened, but i want to grow up.