yesterday & today
Yesterday's journal:
I can't believe that it is the ladt day of June already! This is crazy! Woke up feeling incredibly exhausted again. What is going on with me? My eyes burn and I am physically exhausted but am more than awake when it comes mentally. I woke up multiple times during the night. Still sweating profusly. I am so u ncomfortable and it takes me forever to fall back asleep, when i wakd up in the middle of the night. Also even though I am physically exhausted at night, I still don't want to go to sleep. i think that my mind is running nonstop and therefore does not want to rest. Throughout the day my mind and body are not tired- just my eyes.
Besdie that today has been wonderful! I am not owrried about next week. I got a lot accomplished and feel great! But how come I jump from a horrible day to an amazing day? Having so many worries to having none? WTF?!
Today's Journal:
This morning i had a great session with Joanna. She said that she was very pleased with how i followed through with what I believe in on Wednesday and that I was able to refocus and bring my ideas down a notch and voice them. We talked about what it is that I get out of coxing even with all the pain i put myself through. talked about if I would really truly want to train with the national team. Honestly after digging deep down I do not. Yes it would be great to have that written on a resume, but I just don't think that it is truly in my heart. I like the club I am at, it's fun! If i wanted to cox at a DI school i could of. Out of the 4 colleges I applied to, 3 of them were DI...Ithaca was the only DIII, and I got into all of them. But...I chose Ithaca because it was more quaint and it was love at first sight. So with that being said, I think it's pretty fair to say that I would rather be happy on a smaller competitive team than a gigantic one.
Next we discussed some trips in August that i have been asked to go on. Three of them in literally 3 weeks. First is Master's National Championships in Oklahoma City. I have been wanting to go so badly because it is a brand new course and looks absolutely beautiful! Today I was asked to cox. Problem is...the team leaves on Wed August 10 and comes back Mon August 15. Last year I had a horrible expereince...I popped a rib out of its socket in my back which then pinched a nerve. I was in nonstop excruciating pain and couldn't sleep for 3 days- yet I sucked it up and still coxed. Plus with last weekend and being exhausted after coxing two races, I don't know how I would be able to cox 14 races in 4 days. Eeeek. I am pretty sure that I will not go the whole time, but maybe go down Friday to cox Saturday and Sunday and then come home Sunday night. I don't know waht to do :( I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or not. Plus I don't want to let the team down, I would feel bad if I say no. AHHH. I don't know what the best decision for me is :(
The second trip involves moving my sister back down to college at GT. We would leave Thursday August 18 and come home Sunday August 21 or Monday August 22. This I do want to go on. Well, kind of. I want to go to Atlanta becuase I have never been down there and i want to see my sister's school and her apartment etc. This is her third year and I ahve yet to go down :( Whereas when I was at ithaca my sister visited me multiple times. I am such a horrible sister. So I physically really don't want to sit in a car down and back...and i'm also afraid of spending so much time with my mother and sister. But I do want to see things down there. I don't know what the fuck to do :(
The last trip is going to Indianapolis to visit family. My parents are going and invited me to go up with them. This would be Thursday August 25 until Monday August 29. Then the next day I start classes for Fall semester. No way. So this one I immediately told my parents no.
So between the first and second i would be home for 2 days and between the second and thrid I would be home two or three days. That means in 3 weeks I would have therapy probably twice. I do not think that is a good idea. AHHH i don't know what to do :( I don't want to let anyone down :(
Moving on...we then talked about how we need to take a pause on somethings, like this past wednesday. Try to really stop, reevaluate, and determine what it really is that I want to be heard. Also the fact that sometimes when I have an idea and someone doesn''t agree, I just let it go even if I truly believe in it. BUT...on the other hand sometimes I go in the opposite direction and get really emotional or pissed off and angry to the point where I am out of control. Lastly, when I do follow through with something i really believe in, I always second guess my actions. For instance, Wednesday night after I wrote what I sent Joanna in regards to me caqlling the president etc....I kept second guessing myself as to if i did the right thing or not...
It wasn't until I left Joanna's today that the anxiety of not seeing her for two weeks kicked in. While walking to my car I freaked. The tears started coming out and my heart started racing. I really don't want her to leave. I feel like I am being left for the dogs to eat. What if I cannot handle myself? What happens if I go completely out of control and my emotions go wild? I am trying to stay in the moment and look for positive things and focus on going on the cruise and having fun...but I don' thave control over my mind. It wanders and doesn't stop. I can't control it.
On a positive note I brought my babies (pisco and the little one) to my parent's house today and have been here since 3pm. Played with my babies, worked on my Microbiology Unknow Bacteria powerpoint, journaled, had dinner, etc.
Lastly, How is it that I can go from feeling skinny and amazing earlier today when I was trying on clothes at Macey's, to feeling morbidly ovest and grotesque tonight? I got two cute dresses (I need clothes that don't fall off of me!!!) for the cruise :) Don't have th emoney, but I need to revamp my closet. I literally have like 4 outfits that fit me because my mother and sister bought them over the past month for me. It sucks- but I LOVEEE the feeling of fitting into smaller clothes :) I think when I don't have control over what I eat for dinner are the nights where I feel even more disgusted with myself. Tonight we had salmon (HUGE ASS MOTHER FUCKING PIECE), orzo/quinoa/couscous salad, sauteed veggies, and wine for dinner. Of course everything has oil and/or butter in it. Also between breakfast and dinner I snacked a lot. didn't have a real lunch but I know that all of the fucking snacks I had defnitely made up for more than my lunch. Even just now i had nuts...why did I even eat them? I have NO IDEA. UGH. I am one nasty ugly motherfucker.
I can't believe that it is the ladt day of June already! This is crazy! Woke up feeling incredibly exhausted again. What is going on with me? My eyes burn and I am physically exhausted but am more than awake when it comes mentally. I woke up multiple times during the night. Still sweating profusly. I am so u ncomfortable and it takes me forever to fall back asleep, when i wakd up in the middle of the night. Also even though I am physically exhausted at night, I still don't want to go to sleep. i think that my mind is running nonstop and therefore does not want to rest. Throughout the day my mind and body are not tired- just my eyes.
Besdie that today has been wonderful! I am not owrried about next week. I got a lot accomplished and feel great! But how come I jump from a horrible day to an amazing day? Having so many worries to having none? WTF?!
Today's Journal:
This morning i had a great session with Joanna. She said that she was very pleased with how i followed through with what I believe in on Wednesday and that I was able to refocus and bring my ideas down a notch and voice them. We talked about what it is that I get out of coxing even with all the pain i put myself through. talked about if I would really truly want to train with the national team. Honestly after digging deep down I do not. Yes it would be great to have that written on a resume, but I just don't think that it is truly in my heart. I like the club I am at, it's fun! If i wanted to cox at a DI school i could of. Out of the 4 colleges I applied to, 3 of them were DI...Ithaca was the only DIII, and I got into all of them. But...I chose Ithaca because it was more quaint and it was love at first sight. So with that being said, I think it's pretty fair to say that I would rather be happy on a smaller competitive team than a gigantic one.
Next we discussed some trips in August that i have been asked to go on. Three of them in literally 3 weeks. First is Master's National Championships in Oklahoma City. I have been wanting to go so badly because it is a brand new course and looks absolutely beautiful! Today I was asked to cox. Problem is...the team leaves on Wed August 10 and comes back Mon August 15. Last year I had a horrible expereince...I popped a rib out of its socket in my back which then pinched a nerve. I was in nonstop excruciating pain and couldn't sleep for 3 days- yet I sucked it up and still coxed. Plus with last weekend and being exhausted after coxing two races, I don't know how I would be able to cox 14 races in 4 days. Eeeek. I am pretty sure that I will not go the whole time, but maybe go down Friday to cox Saturday and Sunday and then come home Sunday night. I don't know waht to do :( I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or not. Plus I don't want to let the team down, I would feel bad if I say no. AHHH. I don't know what the best decision for me is :(
The second trip involves moving my sister back down to college at GT. We would leave Thursday August 18 and come home Sunday August 21 or Monday August 22. This I do want to go on. Well, kind of. I want to go to Atlanta becuase I have never been down there and i want to see my sister's school and her apartment etc. This is her third year and I ahve yet to go down :( Whereas when I was at ithaca my sister visited me multiple times. I am such a horrible sister. So I physically really don't want to sit in a car down and back...and i'm also afraid of spending so much time with my mother and sister. But I do want to see things down there. I don't know what the fuck to do :(
The last trip is going to Indianapolis to visit family. My parents are going and invited me to go up with them. This would be Thursday August 25 until Monday August 29. Then the next day I start classes for Fall semester. No way. So this one I immediately told my parents no.
So between the first and second i would be home for 2 days and between the second and thrid I would be home two or three days. That means in 3 weeks I would have therapy probably twice. I do not think that is a good idea. AHHH i don't know what to do :( I don't want to let anyone down :(
Moving on...we then talked about how we need to take a pause on somethings, like this past wednesday. Try to really stop, reevaluate, and determine what it really is that I want to be heard. Also the fact that sometimes when I have an idea and someone doesn''t agree, I just let it go even if I truly believe in it. BUT...on the other hand sometimes I go in the opposite direction and get really emotional or pissed off and angry to the point where I am out of control. Lastly, when I do follow through with something i really believe in, I always second guess my actions. For instance, Wednesday night after I wrote what I sent Joanna in regards to me caqlling the president etc....I kept second guessing myself as to if i did the right thing or not...
It wasn't until I left Joanna's today that the anxiety of not seeing her for two weeks kicked in. While walking to my car I freaked. The tears started coming out and my heart started racing. I really don't want her to leave. I feel like I am being left for the dogs to eat. What if I cannot handle myself? What happens if I go completely out of control and my emotions go wild? I am trying to stay in the moment and look for positive things and focus on going on the cruise and having fun...but I don' thave control over my mind. It wanders and doesn't stop. I can't control it.
On a positive note I brought my babies (pisco and the little one) to my parent's house today and have been here since 3pm. Played with my babies, worked on my Microbiology Unknow Bacteria powerpoint, journaled, had dinner, etc.
Lastly, How is it that I can go from feeling skinny and amazing earlier today when I was trying on clothes at Macey's, to feeling morbidly ovest and grotesque tonight? I got two cute dresses (I need clothes that don't fall off of me!!!) for the cruise :) Don't have th emoney, but I need to revamp my closet. I literally have like 4 outfits that fit me because my mother and sister bought them over the past month for me. It sucks- but I LOVEEE the feeling of fitting into smaller clothes :) I think when I don't have control over what I eat for dinner are the nights where I feel even more disgusted with myself. Tonight we had salmon (HUGE ASS MOTHER FUCKING PIECE), orzo/quinoa/couscous salad, sauteed veggies, and wine for dinner. Of course everything has oil and/or butter in it. Also between breakfast and dinner I snacked a lot. didn't have a real lunch but I know that all of the fucking snacks I had defnitely made up for more than my lunch. Even just now i had nuts...why did I even eat them? I have NO IDEA. UGH. I am one nasty ugly motherfucker.
Replies
Don\'t beat yourself up over how you feel. It is totally normal to feel fine one minute and huge the next, even though we are not. Once we get a better handle on our eating disorder then we will be better equipped to deal with the fluctuations in our mind and just know that \"huh I am having a bad day\" instead of us focusing on our bodies. Usually if we are feeling that way there is another cause.
Your dinner sounds great. Salmon is so good for you and the fat is a good fat. I am proud of you for eating that and I am sure you body was just loving it. It sounds like you are doing better with your meal plan, right? That is a good thing. I know it sucks and we hate it but our body will love us and with all the exercise you do I bet you need the energy.
As for missing Joanna, can you do a therapy session over the phone since you will be gone so you don\'t have to miss so much? My therapist lets me do that sometimes when we are having a hard time meeting to help keep me on track. Just an idea but that might be something to consider if she can do that for you. I am sorry that you were so upset. Hugs from me OOOO
All the trips sound fun. I would try to go on one if you can go and enjoy yourself. Try to think one year from now and see if there is one of them that you would really regret not going on - that would be the one I would do. I use that sometimes when I have a hard time making a choice and it has been very helpful for me. In years past I just didn\'t do anything and isolated myself and have many regrets of things that I could have done so this helps me keep my ED in check and also allow me to satisfy the things that I want to do for myself.
I do think Joanna had a lot of good things to say and it sounds like your therapy session went well. That is good and I am sure you can use a lot of stuff from that to journal with. I do admire you that you journal as much as you do. I really need to get on that more as I think it would help me give myself a better insight as to what things I need to work on.
When is your wedding date and where are you going on the cruise?
as yu tell me, breath. it is hard when you are all over the map. try and focus on one thing adressit and move to the next.you are tired because of the physical work you do with barely any fuel.we need to eat and not let ed it is good to have loose clothes, go buy a smaller size. it is not ok, and we all know it deep down.you must fight ed hard, tell him you want to live a happy healthy life and kiss off. the journaling is great. as jolie asked, can you do a phone session with joanna?
Unfortunately because Joanna is out on vacation until literally the day before I go on the cruise- phone doesn\'t realy work. She said I can email and text her during the next two weeks even though she may not always be able to respond. On the cruise since we are going out of Miami and it is only 4 nights, Monday when we depart, Thursday while in Key West, and Friday when we arrive I will have access to my phone so i\'ll be able to call her briefly/text/email her. Yes when I go out of town for rowing championships we do have phone sessions.
The night sweats might mean that since you are eating better your metabolism is kicking in which takes up a lot of energy. I\'m going through them too. Or your body might simply be weak from being at a low weight. Hard to say.
Good for you to realize what\'s in your heart rather than in your success driven mind. I\'m really proud of you.
First trip I think might just be physically too taxing right now. So think good and long about that one and it sounds like you really don\'t want to go anyway.
Trip two, definitely go. I bet Atlanta is great and I bet your sister will be happy. I know your mom is a tough one to be around so do some major mental preparation and maybe insist on things that won\'t be discussed. And you are not a horrible sister. Everyday life is just so busy for us all that we don\'t get to always do what is important to us.
Trip three, no. Just because you don\'t want to and it would be too much.
Don\'t worry too much about not seeing Joanna. You will be busy yourself and just write everything down and know that you can discuss it with her when she comes back.
Amazing self hatred, Steff. I\'m very sad for you and wish you could be gentler with yourself. How about posting a pic of your dresses. Who picked them out, you or your sis.
s
I picked them out. My mom and sister wanted me to try them on and show them (bc my mom wanted to see if it was acceptable to her and my sister). So I did and they liked them, but wouldn\'t shut the fuck up about how skinny I am.