Yesterday and Today
So, yesterday really threw me off when I woke up in the morning and found out that a boy I had known had died. I didn't know him that well, he was my friend while I was on the street in Santa Cruz, but it just made me so sad. He was so gentle and cool, and all of these streetkids have that style.....from a bygone era when we didn't want to consume everything we saw. we would all wear the same outfit for a month straight or more. and sew everything up that ripped. and trade patches and shirts. he was so beautiful. but it made me feel really icky and sad last night, to just think about dying so young on the street, most likely of a heroin overdose. i am 30. spanky, lutz, piss, goose....all around my age some younger and they are dead. all four of them are people i spent 24/7 with, hang out all the time. they all died young. from drugs. from giving up. from having no purpose. from life at the bottom seeming too hard to be worth the struggle....and life at the top is full of fucked up pricks. and drugs, of course, that cycle of addiction. i died when i was 27, like all the rockstars. thats when i got off the street. i gave up on living life like that. freedom isn't free. adventure like that isn't sustainable, it always lets you down. i feel sad for them. yesterday i felt really sad and didn't want to do the things i told myself i was going to do. i got stoned all day and laid in my bed and just meditated, and enjoyed that i was safe in my house and no one was going to bother me. and i sat with that yucky feeling i had thinking about their final moments, and who they were. i felt ok by 4 and did yoga and then taught classes and then danced around the house afterwards, i felt ok.
it's really jarring to think of that life and these people and then try to mesh in with trying to make money on the internet. a lot to explain. i'm really a misfit. even with the streetkids i didn't fit in right. nor do i fit in with these online nomads, freelace traveling business peeps my age, i don't fit in. or the other teacher's i ment. thai people i like but i don't fit in because i can't speak thai that well, and that will always be a gap i believe. so i have no friends too much out here. i would say i have friends, but not homies or "fam-fam" as we said on the street. that's ok though. then yesterday i started reading the autobiography of an untouchable in india, and that depressed the fuck out of me too. ah humanity.
i love this: