Yesterday here is PART of what went on yesterday...does not include my mother yelling at me because i'm so emotional, me crying for fucking hours on end, plus so much more. Not sure if this will make any sense. The first is an email I wrote to Joanna pretty close after our session (I cried uncontrollably the entire time, she has NEVER seen me like this. The only time she has heard me cry was on the phone when I was at SP) and the second one is a follow up email to her after class last night.
I'm sorry for arguing and acting the way I did just now. I clearly don't want to accept the fact that he might be a better coxswain and/or coach than me. I get it that I have no say in what is decided in who is the head coach and that the way it goes is that once someone has that title they are going to keep it until they are fired or leave. I get it that his resume is always going to look better than mine because he was a D1 coxswain and I was only a DIII cox and that he trained with the national team. And now that he had been the head coach one year he is always going to have a lead on me. But it still bothers me because now I feel like I'm never going to have a chance to move up and if I ever want to coach at higher level my resume will probably never look good enough to anyone. Ok fine, I technically cannot say that until I have tried. I just don't like being viewed as the bottom dog and that's how I feel it's going to be. I know if I want to be a head coach I could be if I moved to the women's side, and it's almost tempting for me. I want to for the recognition but at the same time I know that is not where my heart is and I wouldn't enjoy it.
I know I need to do what I actually want to do and just accept that things are the way they are. That is very difficult for me. I want do but I just don't know how. I'm working on it. I don't want to be like this.
I will choose to be the novice men’s coach because that's who I really want to coach.
I can try convincing myself to accept it, but will that work? How can I really truly get myself to accept this? How do I change myself to actually be happy for others? I want to change that- but how?
I still feel that if this happened three weeks from now, I would feel the same way. That would still mean I'm feeling sorry for myself (which I really hate that phrase because to me it makes it sound like I am pathetic) and would be making myself miserable. But why the hell would I want to do that? It's so fucked up and it doesn't make any sense.
Right now I feel sick to my stomach and terribly do not want to eat. Yes, this could be a great excuse to not eat but I know I can't fool you. So I'm going to suck it up and eat even though I really don't want to.
Lastly I don't want to stay like this all this week and next. Yesterday afternoon/night and this morning I was feeling good. I felt like I could handle it all. Then bam. How come I switch like that? And why? I don't want to be miserable and I'm making plans to keep myself occupied. But right now i don't feel ready for next week because of today. Ya ya ya you're probably going to say just another excuse to be miserable or sorry for myself.
I just want to be fucking happy.
Ok so I went out on a limb. I realized that the new president on the team is very laid back and loves getting feedback.
So I thought a lot after class and tried to determine what I really want. I truly in my heart want to coach novice men, but gain experience and slowly take on more responsibility so that I can work towards my goal of being a head coach whether it's with Langley or elsewhere.
With that long term goal I am able to accept the fact that it may not be right away but it is in my future. So I called bill and spoke with him. I told him that my immediate goal for this upcoming year is to better the communication between all coaches and I shared some ideas I had to him as well. I then said that one of my goals for the future is to be a head coach wherever it may be (ideally with Langley because I feel very connected with the team) and would like to slowly take on more responsibility as time goes on to meet that goal. He felt appreciative of me wanting more responsibility and that he would absolutely keep that in mind. Bill continued to say that it is wonderful that he knows he can ask another coach to do things verses just the head coach.
I decided to do this because if I didn't say what my goal/aspiration was then how would anyone know? So I mentioned it. Bill appreciated what I said and stated that it is a wonderful goal and that his ideal plan for the future is to have both a head coach for men and women and then an overall head coach as well. He said that there are no limits as to who can be a head coach. Someone who has shown leadership, drive, dedication, determination, experience with the team and love for the sport is one who he would want as a head coach. I do think that is a good goal that I can work up to.
I feel better now saying that it is a goal for me rather than wanting to be recognized for being just as good etc. I believe that if I can keep this goal in the forefront of my mind that I will be in much better shape. If I focus on this goal then I feel the competition for wanting to be the best will diminish. Patience is the key here which I need to focus on here. I need to be the turtle, not the hare. If I follow my heart and continue coaching who I really want to, my goal will eventually be achieved.
I feel that I am in a much better spot now. I didn't complain, beg, or try to say that I deserve something more- which I think is a step. I'm actually proud that I was able to calm myself down and do what I did.




Wow, you did some awesome soul searching and reevaluating. I am so proud of you and your goal sounds great. And I have no doubt that you will accomplish your goal. Way to go!

you put a lot of hard work in evaluating your situation and how to achieve your goal. lots of hard work and im proud of you, stay on track, you will reach that goal.