wrote this last night- today is mucho better
-didn't like it when Carlos said that I am looking more like a woman and not a little girl. Fuck that. I want to be a little girl. Fuck growing up.-I hate my boobs. I'd rather starve and have them disappear. They look horrendous.-when I run I can feel fat jiggling. It's gross. And everything hurts. If someone pokes or squeezes any part of my body it hurts. Like it is sore. Are my muscles sore because they are growing back?-I want my bones back. Fuck eating. I need my bones. Even if my weight stays the same and I can see my bones, that's fine. I want my stomach to go inwards.-I gained 12 pounds in 3.5 weeks. Wtf. No. Whatever about the weight. I just want to look good. Just want some flat abs and pure muscle. no more jiggling. I hate how my ass jiggles. And my boobs sticking straight out. And my love handles.-how can I possibly be happy with my body now. I was kind of happy before but now there is NOTHING about it that makes me semi happy. I'm horrendous and disgusting. I am one giant piece of lard.-I want to be happy in my body and b able to look at myself and like what I see.-I do not want to gain anymore weight. I will not.-my intake HAS to decrease. Nothing else is acceptable.-I need to get toned but in yhr past when I have worked out I have never achieved that. I want to know how. I want a sexy sculpted body. I don't care what it fucking takes.-I refuse to buy bigger clothes.Of course now I am crying. Like Joanna said on Wednesday this is where I get myself anxious and upset. Obviously its true. But it doesn't have to be this way and I should be strong enough to not let it go in that direction. Clearly I am getting much better at that- but it's not working right now. No matter what my mind keeps going back to these thoughts. These thoughts alway come up and I try to ignore them- but that's not working at the moment. I'm just not happy at all with myself. Not even a slight bit. And I don't know how I am going to get that way. And why does everyone seem to disregard all these thoughts that I have. I can't live with these thoughts forever. And how the fuck is ignoring them going to help? Don't they need to be worked on in order to change them. But whenever I say them they are either ignored or argued against. Okay so I know that not everyone thinks the way I do about myself and my body, but how the hell am I going to believe them. I have tried, I have tried convincing myself that what I say and think are lies and that everyone else is right. It doesn't fucking work. If I keep feeling this way doesn't it make sense that I will eventually get tired of it and go back to old habits? Hmm maybe what I am saying is that if my thoughts don't change that I will go back. That was not my intention by writing all this, but it would make sense.I am just so sick and tired of looking hideous, feeling disgusting, and feeling so fucking helpless. I am tired and done- but I also don't want to fail others. Clearly I am not doing this for myself, but obviously for others. I still hope that I will change and do it for myself, but I am feeling more and more helpless.Fuck this bullshit.
Replies
I\'m glad you are feeling better today.
Still to answer yesterday\'s journal: you were not happy before IP. Don\'t fool yourself but you were a complete mess. And yes your body hurts because your muscle tissue is repairing itself. Amazing how much damage we can do in little time. I was Ip 7 weeks and guess what I gained exactly twice as much as you. I guess I was in worse shape but that doesn\'t make it less shocking to see your body go from nothing to blubber. My husband thinks I\'m sexy too, I don\'t like my naked body, dressed I\'m alright. I had to buy new clothes. No way around that with that amount of weight gain and afterwards I felt relief. What you think and feel aren\'t lies, what you see in the mirror are lies, big difference. Body distortion will not get better until 6 - 12 months. I know that sucks major monkey balls. I\'m on month 3 and nothing has changed but I will at give it that 6 months chance. I want to live!
What you write is always so powerful Karin. Thank you. It\'s just hard because I have been emaciated (worse than this year) all the way to being huge. From HS until now my weight has been on a rollarcoaster of the biggest gap being 76 pounds....thats the difference between my lowest weight at 16 and highest weight at 22. There were times were I was at a good weight- more than 6 months and I did not have any good body image. It is so fucking hard for me to believe that it will every fucking come
Wow sounds some serious yoyoing. Can\'t believe there was no intervention earlier.
Um my whole life has been a big yo yo. up...down...up....down...never stable
hecne why it is sooooooooooo difficult to be okay with my weight. also why i am TERRIFIED to continue the plan i am on because i feel like i\'m going to skyrocket. yes, mainly i did because i had fucked up dietitians who didnt give a shit. ahhhhhhhhhhhh okay no more about the past now
good girl
Steph,
I know exactly how you are feeling and believe me it SUCKS to hate the way your body feels and looks BUT you are so much more than your body. Plus, we have a skewed image of our body and what we think looks good really is a scrawny ugly person and what really looks healthy and sexy is what everyone else tells us, despite us not wanting to hear it. You need to throw out the clothes that no longer fit (or give to charity) and get some new ones that fit better. Trust me, you will feel so much better when you are wearing clothes that show off your new curves/shape. Yes it sucks right now to have curves but I bet if you can keep the weight on for awhile you might even embrace them.
I have maintained my weight for about 5 months and while I still struggle I have many more days where I feel sexy than ugly. Hang in there and don\'t start restricting or changing your meal plan - you are on the right path. Your weight won\'t skyrocket - they won\'t let it. Just make sure that you tell them that you need to be slow and steady so you can adjust and not go backwards and they should be able to work with you.
When you were sicker you were always so angry and on edge and you aren\'t that way anymore. You have so much more depth and emotion and it is just so awesome to see and listen to. The weight is only one small piece and you should really focus on all the great aspects of your personality that are coming out that were hidden before. We can do this together Steph :)
steph, i can also relate to how you are feeling, though i have never had to been refeed. i lost tons of weight though, the wrong unhealthy way, and became anorexic. i have maintened my weight but my thoughts and behaviours are still stuck. like karrin i dont like my naked body, usually ok with clothes. my father told me i would have a better chance of meeting a man if i put some \"meat\" on my bones and looked more womanly, wtf. you have done so fantastic and your anger has gotten so much better and you have allowed your mind and body to refeed and get healthy, so many positive accomplishments. with all the rollercoasting, i would think this accepting of your body will be a bit more difficult, but it will happen. i had no idea about your muscles repairing itself, that is powerful and shows you what starvation can do. hang in there girl, i have total faith in you and you have my complete support always, many hugsss