Wow it\'s almost been a year

Im back in sweden but only for a visit. Going back Monday. Everything is great. My hostfamily is the best. Love them. It's hard being here and knowing I will have to leave again but when Im back in USA I'll be fine.  When I went to USA I got something very clear. Taking an airplane over the atlantic ocean didn't change anything especially not me. I needed to change not the people around me.  It's been a long way with lots of bumps. But I am so far from what I felt a year ago but still so Far from my goal. BUt now I AM strong enough to make it. I am never ever going back to the darkness. Im not gonna let it happend. I feel to good. I acctually like myself, have confidence more then ever. I have never felt this good about myself. Doesn't sound huge but me in a bikini in public is a huge deal. And I've done it. And I didn't panic. I am not soo freking obsessed of what everybody else think. Sure I care but I just....can ignore. And I don't take every little critisism badly.  I have times were I just wanna give up cause it's so much easier to just dig myself down in a hole but I won't I wanna have my life back. And Im on my way. It took me 6 years to get there and now it might take years getting to my goal but it's worth it. I like myself for the most part sure I still have my " I hate myself" days but I just can push those thoughts away if I want to. Im still very confused over some stuff but Im getting there. For the first time for as long as I can remember Im getting there. The I like myself will get to I love myself someday. Working on it. Lots of problems gotta get solved. Personal and other stuff. There's some things in the past that I have a hard time getting rid of but I can't change them. I can only change my future. I spent my teenyears being depressed and hating myself. I was so in to being sad and hateing everything so it became me. It was who I was in my own eyes. Im not about to spend the rest of my life that way. I have to find the new me and it's pretty damn scarey cause Im leaving everthing I know. Everything that has alway been. BUt I will do it. I got God to help me. And so totally trust him with this. Without him I would be nowhere right now. He's the one who got me this far. It's like I refound him even if I've believed my whole life. So when I feel soo freking alone I know im not. It's so great being back in my hometown. My family and my friends everything is the same. But I'll go back for another 9 months and then I know I'll be back here permenent. I will hate me forever if I don't go back plus I can't do that to my hostfamily especially not my hostmom. Plus i do wanna go back deep inside it's just soo great being back and I dont have time to get sick of it again. 10 days is not enough.  well.  Im great (most days) and Im gonna get greater.