Work... My Lifeline
This last week was the first week at work since 2 Nov 18. I had a lot of leave to use and then took off for a while. My illness did not disappear with my job. It was always there like an unwanted passager that I could not discharge. No matter what I did, it remained. I believed that with each goal obtained that I would heal, but that was not the case at all. You can not run from yourself; we bring our illness with us no matter how hard we try to change that. The power of goal attainment to heal is an illusion. This put me under another depressive cloud. The TDoc did not comprehend why I was not joyful at the realization of my goals. She was mad, she chided me that I need to just quit my depression. The cause was still there and until the root and stem of my illness is eliminated my status would not change. That cause is pervasive and permanent. She knew not how to deal with bipolar and its symptoms.
The symptoms are my fear at work. What if my new job discovers how broken I am. What if they see that my hands shake. What if I need to miss work due to depression or hospitalization? Now I have a purpose and reason for continuing amongst the living. What do I do if I lose it?
Replies
Work really is a wonderful thing. I have to be careful about working too much, but I am glad that I can work and have some work. I am glad for you that you have work and that you are happy and grateful for it.
I think you can look at losing work, or working, in a couple ways. If you lose your job, then take the tenacious path....you will just have to get up on the horse again and get another job. You're bright and expressive, you could do it! I know one day I might have to do it too! :)
Also if you have this job, and are grateful for it, but fear that you might lose it, I am sure you can see that you are looking at two qualities of having the job then. That you're happy and grateful for it, but then also afraid of losing it. I say "choose happy". Given the two observations, "choose happy" in your way of your daily practice if you can. I was talking to a friend and he said he has a lot of problems in his life but he gets up and "chooses happy". That was a great inspiration for me.
Some times I can feel the sadness coming on and it's not always easy to manage it. But I keep going with plans,
work, rest and routine. Keep on, keeping on!
I hope that wasn't too simplistic. I think if you have to take some time off from work to re-center yourself at a hospital stay..then that would be a really big test for your strength to know how to advocate for yourself. I hope that your job
would be flexible enough to allow for sick leave. I really hope that would be the case. It's very frightening to not have work or to be fired because you need to take time off. Sending strength and good thoughts that you can look at the positive side of things while you manage your job and your fears.
Spencer,
Try to take it one step at a time. I know that seems really simplistic...but worrying about all of the "whatifs" that could happen, can really make the BiPolar condition very unstable....and that's what you don't want.
You can't control that which hasn't happened....right? So why worry about it?
I've always had a Professional Career, during my 30 years of BiPolar...and I've always been "the Boss" in some degree or another, have always been responsible for additional staff or had patients relying on my reliability. I was the "Breadwinner" for my family...always.
And I didn't always have stability every month of the year...but I didn't worry about the "whatifs" 24/7, I lived my life, and dealt with the Issues when they came up.
The more you plan and work your Treatment/Management plan, the more Stable you'll be. Meds/Therapy/Coping Skills. Don't add stress to the situation by worrying about what you don't need to worry about.