Why Life is Hard for Me
I just feel like I have already died, not necessarily in a terrible way. More like how monks and buddhism say that all of life and attachment is suffering, so you have to become unattached to be free. that's how i am and so it's hard for me to be motivated to work or even participate in relationships with people because i see through it all. it all feels pretty empty. i have lived and met some people who have truly dropped out of the system and live off the grid and do serious meditation, or stay in monasteries. they don't want much for anything, they don't work, they live simply. this is how half of me is. the other half likes the world and all its intriguing possibilities--of money, travel, sex, adventure......but only half. i've had a lot of that and it is really fun but it's fleeting. i drink so i can be in the moment, its acute effects do lift my mood. overall though, the side effects make drinking awful--the stupidity, the hangovers, all of that shit.
anyway, trying to decide what to do with my day. this past week has got me feeling really weird. i feel weird most of the time anyway. just uncertain of what to do with my life and my time. probably about half the time i feel that way. the other half i relaxed or engaged or happy.
well i am going to meditate right now and set an intention for my day. thank you for the tip about the intherooms website, i am going ot see how i like that. might also go to an AA meeting this weekend that i see is going on at 6:30 here.
it's just so weird to feel so lonely yet the thought of anyone i could hang out with doesn't make me feel less lonely or compelled to do it. i'm on this tinder app again, so many guys want to talk but it all just makes me feel so awkward unless i'm wasted. i have funny conversations with them though via text sometimes....it's really about arranging that meet up. that just seems silly or something. i dunno....i think tinder is like GMO and when you meet someone in the real world its organic. i prefer organic :D
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