Why does she still affect me at all?
I know my wife ignored her vows and any sense of morality to pursue an affair with a married man while we were married.
I know even after that man decided to work on his own marriage instead of continue with her, that she has dated other men looking for a new life even while remaining married to me.
I know she will always make an excuse for herself and put her own selfish desire at any given moment ahead of what is right for our children or me.
Yes, every time she exhibits this immoral behavior it instills feelings of resentment, bitterness, and anger towards this tragically flawed woman whom I believed had much better character than this at one time.
So why does it cause such pain every time I find out about these actions? The resentment, bitterness, and anger far outweigh any residual feelings of love for the woman. Why do I feel my blood course with a flood of burning frustration and pain? Why do I take it personally? Why should I expect anything from her but what she has been doing?
The only thing I can come up with is that for some reason, it is a severe hit to my self-esteem every time I hear of these actions. Maybe this is why I feel so hurt and helpless. How do I overcome this? What can I do to step past this ridiculously stupid and self-destructive reaction?
How I long to be completely indifferent to her. She is of me.
I know even after that man decided to work on his own marriage instead of continue with her, that she has dated other men looking for a new life even while remaining married to me.
I know she will always make an excuse for herself and put her own selfish desire at any given moment ahead of what is right for our children or me.
Yes, every time she exhibits this immoral behavior it instills feelings of resentment, bitterness, and anger towards this tragically flawed woman whom I believed had much better character than this at one time.
So why does it cause such pain every time I find out about these actions? The resentment, bitterness, and anger far outweigh any residual feelings of love for the woman. Why do I feel my blood course with a flood of burning frustration and pain? Why do I take it personally? Why should I expect anything from her but what she has been doing?
The only thing I can come up with is that for some reason, it is a severe hit to my self-esteem every time I hear of these actions. Maybe this is why I feel so hurt and helpless. How do I overcome this? What can I do to step past this ridiculously stupid and self-destructive reaction?
How I long to be completely indifferent to her. She is of me.
Replies
Greg,
The pain you feel when you hear of her actions are normal. I understand what your mind and heart are going through, she is going to these measures where right in front of her she had that in a loving husband and family.
What she is doing now should have no relevance on you and what you have to do to heal from this. If is hard to hear, I know, I hear the same things about my stbxw and it crushes my soul. As I have said to you before, what we are experiencing and what they are putting us through will not define us, how we recover from this will define us. Focus is on your kids and the relationship you have with them.
Let the emotions come and welcome them when they do but dont let them stay to long. When you feel is when you know you are alive. I would be more concerned if you had no reaction at all.
Stay strong, rely on your faith if you have to and most importantly reach out to your friends even when you don\'t have to Knowing that there are people out there that care about you can lift your spirits!
I don\'t think the pain is wrong or abnormal. I just want to get past this and don\'t understand why I haven\'t yet.
So many of us understand. Our head longs to be indifferent, but our heart., body, soul are still deeply attached. I could have written your post. I\'m sure there are psychological (scientific) reasons. But regardless, it calls into question our complete being and sense of self. Everything from
Our sense of self (am I that unlovable?) to our judgment (how could I not have seen his/her character) to our self-confidence (can I ever trust my jusdment again?)
It strikes at the core of who we think we are... I think that may be one of the reasons the betrayal hits so hard.
It does get better. For me, it is taking a long time. I am at the 22 month mark and my confidence and sense-of-self is finally starting to come back. But, I\'m still not quite there. It has affected my work and all my relationships with others will never be the same. On the bright side, I think my relationships will be better - professionally and personally. I ask the hard questions now. I have the difficult conversations. I do not let feelings simmer. And if people do not want to discuss... if they prefer to be passive aggressive, they own that not me.
There is a light.... but it is a very long tunnel. Keep up the positive self-talk and surround yourself with friends.
Wow you really hit the points I struggle with head on S&S. So, so true to the questions I demand myself to answer. Thanks for this understanding and confirmation that things will improve. Glad they are for you. Please let me know if you have any suggestions.
Hi,
So sorry you are going through so much pain. Five years into this I am still feeling the pain of divorce. Because I was abandoned, my self-confidence got damaged. I have now ordered \"Overcoming Negative Self-Image\" by Neil Anderson. I know this author\'s other books and find him great. This should give you a spirit-filled support of who we are in God\'s view. Because if we concentrate only on what this world\'s people tell us who we are we forget our identity in Christ. Yes, we get rejected, abandoned, betrayed and insulted. What is encouraging is that none of this is greater than the rejection, betrayal, abandonment and insults that Jesus went through for our sake. God bless you.
Amen and very well said, Simit. Thank you for turning my eyes to our precious Lord. bless you!