why am I even here?
how did I end up a year later right back to where I was? All I do is repeat the same mistakes over and over again. So tired. I feel stuck here. The harder I try and push to find a job or a place to buy in Arizona the less I find. Yesterday I was supposed to go to the cardiologist for a follow up. or should I say last monday...which I forgot...and then forgot again yesterday. What is wrong with me? I have no memory at all any more. I even set an appointment in my calendar but I guess I didn't turn on the reminder because there wasn't one when I looked later.
What is the point of all this struggling every day? To live happily ever after? there is no such thing. I get up each day and go through the motions but I just want to crawl back in bed. He keeps asking me for money and there were no snacks to put in my lunch but somehow he seemed to find enough alcohol to get drunk and snore keeping me awake. lucky me. My mom said she would help me but I get the feeling she has not even been looking and I feel like I am bothering her. Maybe I should not even move back there. Maybe I need to just go somewhere alone. Someplace I can actually afford to live...ok...let's face it..with my skills and education that is likely nowhere.
The approach I have been taking for school is not working though. after two years I only have a handful of credits. I will be dead before I finish at this rate. People I thought were friends have their own lives and no time for a whack job like me. I wish I had never met him and did not love him. What would life have been like if I had never come here? probably not any better. but maybe not any worse either. How do I make myself go? can I even go? without a job and a place to go it seems unlikely.
What is the point of all this struggling every day? To live happily ever after? there is no such thing. I get up each day and go through the motions but I just want to crawl back in bed. He keeps asking me for money and there were no snacks to put in my lunch but somehow he seemed to find enough alcohol to get drunk and snore keeping me awake. lucky me. My mom said she would help me but I get the feeling she has not even been looking and I feel like I am bothering her. Maybe I should not even move back there. Maybe I need to just go somewhere alone. Someplace I can actually afford to live...ok...let's face it..with my skills and education that is likely nowhere.
The approach I have been taking for school is not working though. after two years I only have a handful of credits. I will be dead before I finish at this rate. People I thought were friends have their own lives and no time for a whack job like me. I wish I had never met him and did not love him. What would life have been like if I had never come here? probably not any better. but maybe not any worse either. How do I make myself go? can I even go? without a job and a place to go it seems unlikely.
Replies
Hi it sounds like you are in a bit of a bad relationship. Does this man you are with give you any support? Try making a mood board and putting your important things such as appointments on it. If all of your important things to remember are in one place you are less likely to forget about them.
I know it is discouraging - but remember that it is just discouragement and NOT reality. I believe in you where school is concerned. You can do this. As to the rest, well. . . I\'m sorry. You are a precious lady and deserve much more that where you are. Sending you smiles and hugs and all the sunshine I can find.
\"how did I end up a year later right back to where I was?\"
You have made progress but are not aware of it from the stress you are experiencing.
\"All I do is repeat the same mistakes over and over again.\"
It may \'feel\' that way but each go around you have more knowledge to make better choices. Each time a decision is made you learn something from it.
\"What is wrong with me? I have no memory at all any more.\"
Stress has a huge negative effect on memory and also energy level -- it wears us out.
\" I even set an appointment in my calendar but I guess I didn\'t turn on the reminder because there wasn\'t one when I looked later.\" The health issues you are trying to cope with can cause a lot of anxiety -- it may just be you need a break from coping with this for a bit? I know when undergoing cancer surgery followed by the six months of chemotherapy I was given the option of taking a break if it all become too much for me to emotionally manage. There are REAL limits to what we can cope with well and how much we can manage without needed a break.
\"What is the point of all this struggling every day? To live happily ever after? there is no such thing. I get up each day and go through the motions but I just want to crawl back in bed.\"
Depression, anxiety with health issues is very difficult to manage and you may just be needed to rest and let go for a bit?
\"He keeps asking me for money and there were no snacks to put in my lunch but somehow he seemed to find enough alcohol to get drunk and snore keeping me awake.\"
You felt you had to give him money even if that meant you were to suffer from your own needs not being met for snacks? The two of you need to work this out and come up with a way to meet both of your needs. Keep track of how much money he actually spends on booze and when he requests money show him the \'budget\' and where the money actually goes. He may not even have awareness of just how much he spends on alcohol and once he is aware this may help him choose to budget the money in more effective ways?
\"My mom said she would help me but I get the feeling she has not even been looking and I feel like I am bothering her.\" Ask her and work on allowing honesty to be at the basis of the love you share with each other. I would hope she offered her help from genuine love for you and only will be doing what is good for the both of you and your needs.
\"Maybe I should not even move back there. Maybe I need to just go somewhere alone. Someplace I can actually afford to live...ok...let\'s face it..with my skills and education that is likely nowhere.\"
It appears it is time to weigh the \'pros and cons\' of what choices you have available and then go with the best ones available?
\"The approach I have been taking for school is not working though. after two years I only have a handful of credits. I will be dead before I finish at this rate.\"
If it is marketable job skills you are acquiring in the process of this effort and it is allowing you to progress towards a desired goal -- is there a way to modify your course load to allow for a quicker outcome of reaching your goals?
\"People I thought were friends have their own lives and no time for a whack job like me. I wish I had never met him and did not love him. What would life have been like if I had never come here? probably not any better. but maybe not any worse either. How do I make myself go? can I even go? without a job and a place to go it seems unlikely.\"
Those who love you will stay by your side and those who don\'t it is better to learn this and move on than to have \'friends\' who do not have your back covered.
I think the two of you truly love each other and the \'issues\' that cause friction can be worked out over time. It may be with your health issues you are exhausted and need to rest up and \'let go\' for awhile. Journaling has helped me cope with the crisis I have faced and our sharing keeps me hanging in there.
Write it down and get it out and, if you are like me, it will allow you less to carry around and this will help you to feel better and cope better over time.
Gentle ((hugs)) shared.