Whistanding Hell
I know it's been so long since I last checked in and I apologize about that. I couldn't get myself to write.
Well, long story "short": I got a psychiatrist a couple months ago and started meds on June 13th. They were prescribed to me after the second appointment as the doc got really worried about my suicidal thoughts. So far I have tried 4 different meds... 2 simultaneously at first (Nocvalene and Conexine), then an additional one (Pregabalina-Plenica) that got switched last week to Mirtapax after a huge drama with my mother. She was suspicious that I was vomiting in the bathroom and confirmed it after she tried to open the door (lock is broken) twice with no success. She screamed "you are throwing up!" And left the house angry to drop my bro somewhere. Next thing I know, she was calling my psychiatrist later that night; I could hear her rant on the phone from my bathroom after I had a shower that failed to stop me from crying so I cut. She also told her I hurt myself again "10 days ago" (she thinks I have just done it twice in my life lol) Afterwards she called me to give me a speech... Again. It was all so dramatic but the worse part was when she said "everybody here knows about your problems! Denisse (sis), Andres (bro)... They all know you are sick!" That really stung. She also said my shrink told her to remove the perills from all doors if she found it necessary. I SIed twice that night. The thoughts about running away or suicide haunt me even more now, I even dreamed about me killing myself that night and it was way too real. I really don't know if I am going to be able to handle it much longer if my parents decide to be over me 24/7. I rather be insane by myself than better with their help.Weeks before that, My mother also got to have a quick look at my arm when I was distracted and freaked out again... Asked me to show her threatening to call my father... I didn't, neither to her nor him. Not a surprise that I got a speech from each parent that night too. That's when they asked me when was the last time I did it and I said "last week", althought I had done it earlier that day.In the meantime I've gotten lots of comments from my mom "trying to help" such as "is it me?/is it my fault?/what did I do to you?/what did I do so wrong for you to be like this?" Etc. So I'm focused now on explaining to her what depression and anxiety is really about in general terms as she doesn't seem to understand. Ohh, I have a new psychologist too. She asked me if she could take a look at the images from my last MRI to see if there is any possible connection between the brain surgery I had when I was a 2 year old and my Depression/Anxiety. She is the first one taking that approach and I'm thankful for that. I have been asking myself that question for a long time now. Honestly, I really hope she finds something there so I can finally stop feeling guilty about my depression as I have for the past 5 years or so. I'm also getting an EEG as another psychiatrist, friends with my father, suggested to see if we can find the cause that makes me unable to tolerate food (throwing up).Now my mother left to Chile till next Saturday after she was told by phone last night that her oldest sister (my aunt) passed away unexpectedly. I could hear her cry through the wall that separates our bedrooms and see her tear up every time someone brought up the subject. That's harsh. But besides that I'm okay, I didn't know my aunt very much. My mother is in shock tho, of course. The mood around here is still quite tense even after she left obvious.
I apologize again for the extension of this post
Well, long story "short": I got a psychiatrist a couple months ago and started meds on June 13th. They were prescribed to me after the second appointment as the doc got really worried about my suicidal thoughts. So far I have tried 4 different meds... 2 simultaneously at first (Nocvalene and Conexine), then an additional one (Pregabalina-Plenica) that got switched last week to Mirtapax after a huge drama with my mother. She was suspicious that I was vomiting in the bathroom and confirmed it after she tried to open the door (lock is broken) twice with no success. She screamed "you are throwing up!" And left the house angry to drop my bro somewhere. Next thing I know, she was calling my psychiatrist later that night; I could hear her rant on the phone from my bathroom after I had a shower that failed to stop me from crying so I cut. She also told her I hurt myself again "10 days ago" (she thinks I have just done it twice in my life lol) Afterwards she called me to give me a speech... Again. It was all so dramatic but the worse part was when she said "everybody here knows about your problems! Denisse (sis), Andres (bro)... They all know you are sick!" That really stung. She also said my shrink told her to remove the perills from all doors if she found it necessary. I SIed twice that night. The thoughts about running away or suicide haunt me even more now, I even dreamed about me killing myself that night and it was way too real. I really don't know if I am going to be able to handle it much longer if my parents decide to be over me 24/7. I rather be insane by myself than better with their help.Weeks before that, My mother also got to have a quick look at my arm when I was distracted and freaked out again... Asked me to show her threatening to call my father... I didn't, neither to her nor him. Not a surprise that I got a speech from each parent that night too. That's when they asked me when was the last time I did it and I said "last week", althought I had done it earlier that day.In the meantime I've gotten lots of comments from my mom "trying to help" such as "is it me?/is it my fault?/what did I do to you?/what did I do so wrong for you to be like this?" Etc. So I'm focused now on explaining to her what depression and anxiety is really about in general terms as she doesn't seem to understand. Ohh, I have a new psychologist too. She asked me if she could take a look at the images from my last MRI to see if there is any possible connection between the brain surgery I had when I was a 2 year old and my Depression/Anxiety. She is the first one taking that approach and I'm thankful for that. I have been asking myself that question for a long time now. Honestly, I really hope she finds something there so I can finally stop feeling guilty about my depression as I have for the past 5 years or so. I'm also getting an EEG as another psychiatrist, friends with my father, suggested to see if we can find the cause that makes me unable to tolerate food (throwing up).Now my mother left to Chile till next Saturday after she was told by phone last night that her oldest sister (my aunt) passed away unexpectedly. I could hear her cry through the wall that separates our bedrooms and see her tear up every time someone brought up the subject. That's harsh. But besides that I'm okay, I didn't know my aunt very much. My mother is in shock tho, of course. The mood around here is still quite tense even after she left obvious.
I apologize again for the extension of this post
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