where to begin?
i cant believe how long it has been since i journaled, i have been posting on various sites lately.
i found out on Thursday that from the blood work i finally did on Tuesday, only 3 months later, showed one result that came back with my WBC, and the specialist in eating disorders i see tmw, will go over this. she added a note saying i need to consme at least 70gr.protien, which i do and eat the proper nutrients which i don't. she is not aware i am seeing her on Monday as she said she will retest when we see each other next and i hope her scale does not show the few pounds lost i see on my sisters scale. it wont be good. she always asks me what is going on to cause ths, is there any added stress, hell yeah, and i have become a bit obessed again with exercise and eating, though i have had breakfast for a few days, though i am not having it today, who knows why, i slept in till almost 8 and i cant justify it. so stupid i know. i simply cant stand myself ancd lack of desire, drive to improve myself and then it will improve my whole life.
we are having serious problems with my brother pat, well it is nothng new, but it is escalating. he had a very verbally abusive rage with my parents, susan happened to be there and she was petrified. it was mainly directed at my mother, at times he was face to face and pointing his finger at her face screaming about it is her fault and all the crying and whining is her fault and there is nothing to do. they have no money they cant move, he will not change the trust in the house saying that it was done for "us" and he is leaving it that way. he is put down as the person in charge of everything. i am making this sound very light but it was much more involved, he was even spitting he was so angry. i am very fearful that it will become violent. he didn't call for a few days, then called didn't bring it up and butter could melt in his mouth, they keep accepting him back. my dad is afraid to confront him, and i don't blame him, he lets things go after he calls for my mother as she loves her son. i am going to talk tl dad this morning while he is alone, mom is shoppimg with susan and ask him if we can change the exexcutor to include all our names to start with. he doesn't care how the are living, saying they have caused their own problems bit the house is in a irrevocable trust with his name on it of course therefore it cant be sold and pat will not change it saying it is due him. they can not live there anymore, they both want out, esp. dad, it is killing him slowly being there and not being able to get out and be social, he thrives on that plus he is worried sick about my mother, her eyesight is going, she is blind in one eye and losing rapidly the other one. my mother is a very difficult wman, nothing we do is right or enough, everything is centered around her, well this is the way it always has been. it is hard to be supportive and giving to a woman who you never felt love from and was always crtical but it has to be done, though i have set boundaries for myself and she doesn't like that.
ahh, that is all i can write, have a headache.
hugs to all`
i found out on Thursday that from the blood work i finally did on Tuesday, only 3 months later, showed one result that came back with my WBC, and the specialist in eating disorders i see tmw, will go over this. she added a note saying i need to consme at least 70gr.protien, which i do and eat the proper nutrients which i don't. she is not aware i am seeing her on Monday as she said she will retest when we see each other next and i hope her scale does not show the few pounds lost i see on my sisters scale. it wont be good. she always asks me what is going on to cause ths, is there any added stress, hell yeah, and i have become a bit obessed again with exercise and eating, though i have had breakfast for a few days, though i am not having it today, who knows why, i slept in till almost 8 and i cant justify it. so stupid i know. i simply cant stand myself ancd lack of desire, drive to improve myself and then it will improve my whole life.
we are having serious problems with my brother pat, well it is nothng new, but it is escalating. he had a very verbally abusive rage with my parents, susan happened to be there and she was petrified. it was mainly directed at my mother, at times he was face to face and pointing his finger at her face screaming about it is her fault and all the crying and whining is her fault and there is nothing to do. they have no money they cant move, he will not change the trust in the house saying that it was done for "us" and he is leaving it that way. he is put down as the person in charge of everything. i am making this sound very light but it was much more involved, he was even spitting he was so angry. i am very fearful that it will become violent. he didn't call for a few days, then called didn't bring it up and butter could melt in his mouth, they keep accepting him back. my dad is afraid to confront him, and i don't blame him, he lets things go after he calls for my mother as she loves her son. i am going to talk tl dad this morning while he is alone, mom is shoppimg with susan and ask him if we can change the exexcutor to include all our names to start with. he doesn't care how the are living, saying they have caused their own problems bit the house is in a irrevocable trust with his name on it of course therefore it cant be sold and pat will not change it saying it is due him. they can not live there anymore, they both want out, esp. dad, it is killing him slowly being there and not being able to get out and be social, he thrives on that plus he is worried sick about my mother, her eyesight is going, she is blind in one eye and losing rapidly the other one. my mother is a very difficult wman, nothing we do is right or enough, everything is centered around her, well this is the way it always has been. it is hard to be supportive and giving to a woman who you never felt love from and was always crtical but it has to be done, though i have set boundaries for myself and she doesn't like that.
ahh, that is all i can write, have a headache.
hugs to all`
Replies
Hope the headache gets better. I get tons of those, it\'s never fun. Probably from too much stress. Try to enjoy the rest of your weekend. :) Huggggs,
Susan
thanks susan, my headache is gone, stress is still high but went for a long walk with my pup, though longer then I should go, exercise wise. hugs ann
I know it\'s hard right. My parents are super difficult and make me feel like crap every time I talk to them. Although, I think it\'s great that you took a walk and are even seeing a specialist. You have the fight in you! You are taking care of yourself and doing your best right now. Try to give yourself some credit! Be kind to yourself. ED is powerful and wants to keep us its prisoner. It\'s miserable. I hope it\'s comforting to know you aren\'t alone.
Danita it definetly helps to know I am not alone, that is why I have been with DS for so long. various other stressors and issues come up besides ED and there are forums for that too. I go to the doctor today, not looking forward, very nervous. I cant stand the anxiety I still get through all my meds I take, though I would be paralyzed without them. hugss
*hugs* I hope you can do something to gain weight.. I know it\'s hard, but you need to get yourself together. Call me when you need me... I don\'t think Pat is a good person to hold the paperwork.. he seems like he would keep more than his fair share. Just my thoughts. *hugs*