Where Did I Go Wrong?
Today I made a huge mistake: I tried fasting lunch. This was a nightmare of a day,and I'm still trying to recover. I prayed about fasting just the one meal. For breakfast I had a bagel with butter and my usual 2 cups of strong coffee. I have to be honest here and say that I fasted lunch mainly because I just didn't want to go downstairs and eat with my housemates (I live in a personal care home). They didn't do anything wrong, but I took a book down to the dining room and thought I'd read until lunch was ready. The TV was blaring as usual (and I hate the idiot shows they watch),and this one woman wouldn't stop talking (and she's very loud, I can hear her even through my earplugs). This has been a problem for some time and I have no clue how to deal with it. I think what I'll do is tell the caregivers just to put my food on the table and I'll eat it when I come down (this may sound dumb,but I honestly don't mind eating cold food as long as it's tasty).
Anyway this afternoon was terrible. I usually skip breakfast, but doing that isn't working either. When I skip breakfast,the whole day is shot. I've struggled with weight issues ever since I became old enough to feed myself. I weigh more now than I probably ever did. My bipolar meds may have something to do with it, but mostly I think it's the poor food choices I make and the fact that I skip meals, then get ravenous and eat too much later. I suffer from a binge eating disorder (not bulimia). I've been known to skip breakfast and then for lunch, eat a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate is my favorite because there's supposed to be a drug in chocolate that makes you feel loved. Today around 2 I started having trouble. I should've gone out to eat, but instead I drank 2 cans of diet Coke and suffered for the next 2 1/2 hours. Even my vision is still blurry because I ate more than I usually do for dinner because I was so hungry. I think the best thing to do is to eat regular meals and an evening snack and just control the size of the portions I eat. All my life I've been very self-conscious about my weight,which goes up and down,up and down. I have a closet full of clothes of varying sizes, some of which I can't wear because they are too big or too small. I'll be honest because my life is centered around food. I guess that's making food an idol, putting it before the Lord. Having diabetes doesn't make it any easier (there is a history of diabetes and obesity among the women in my family). I'm tired of punishing my body,and what worried me today was that at dinner the lady who sits across from me said something,and I didn't even hear her or realize she was talking to me. I got scared. I can't do this again. It's not quite 8:30 and thank the Lord I'm starting to feel better. For such a long time I've felt guilty for not attending church regularly, and now I can feel guilty because fasting makes me sick and I can't do it. I sure am a lousy excuse for a Christian.
Anyway this afternoon was terrible. I usually skip breakfast, but doing that isn't working either. When I skip breakfast,the whole day is shot. I've struggled with weight issues ever since I became old enough to feed myself. I weigh more now than I probably ever did. My bipolar meds may have something to do with it, but mostly I think it's the poor food choices I make and the fact that I skip meals, then get ravenous and eat too much later. I suffer from a binge eating disorder (not bulimia). I've been known to skip breakfast and then for lunch, eat a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate is my favorite because there's supposed to be a drug in chocolate that makes you feel loved. Today around 2 I started having trouble. I should've gone out to eat, but instead I drank 2 cans of diet Coke and suffered for the next 2 1/2 hours. Even my vision is still blurry because I ate more than I usually do for dinner because I was so hungry. I think the best thing to do is to eat regular meals and an evening snack and just control the size of the portions I eat. All my life I've been very self-conscious about my weight,which goes up and down,up and down. I have a closet full of clothes of varying sizes, some of which I can't wear because they are too big or too small. I'll be honest because my life is centered around food. I guess that's making food an idol, putting it before the Lord. Having diabetes doesn't make it any easier (there is a history of diabetes and obesity among the women in my family). I'm tired of punishing my body,and what worried me today was that at dinner the lady who sits across from me said something,and I didn't even hear her or realize she was talking to me. I got scared. I can't do this again. It's not quite 8:30 and thank the Lord I'm starting to feel better. For such a long time I've felt guilty for not attending church regularly, and now I can feel guilty because fasting makes me sick and I can't do it. I sure am a lousy excuse for a Christian.
Replies
Sweet Loddy - I think you\'re being a little too hard on yourself. Please try and practice self-card and self-love and hopefully that will help you feel a little better all around. YOU are the most important thing in your life - never forget that! Big hugs!