When your words echo in your own head
"There's a positive in every, every negative".
I say those words so often ... so, so often ... hearing them, believing them lately is more difficult.
Where does one lose that? I mean lose something you feel in your heart, deep in your bones, in every fiber of your being ... then the day comes when it's harder to hear that ... believe that. I wish I knew but I don't.
I want to hear my son's voice ... I want to see his face. Not in a photo but his face ... feel his hug ... even hear him yell "mother!!" but I can't. He's not here ... he's not able to do that ... I'm not able to have that.
2016 hasn't started off on a good note ... 2015 didn't end on a good note ... but even as much as I'm not sure I do or want it ... I'm still here.
Why? I don't know. How? I don't know. To do what? To be where? to be who? I don't know .... I just don't know any more.
March 16 is 13 years .... 13 years. More than 1/2 of the time I had him here on earth he's been gone from this earth. WHY?????
I say those words so often ... so, so often ... hearing them, believing them lately is more difficult.
Where does one lose that? I mean lose something you feel in your heart, deep in your bones, in every fiber of your being ... then the day comes when it's harder to hear that ... believe that. I wish I knew but I don't.
I want to hear my son's voice ... I want to see his face. Not in a photo but his face ... feel his hug ... even hear him yell "mother!!" but I can't. He's not here ... he's not able to do that ... I'm not able to have that.
2016 hasn't started off on a good note ... 2015 didn't end on a good note ... but even as much as I'm not sure I do or want it ... I'm still here.
Why? I don't know. How? I don't know. To do what? To be where? to be who? I don't know .... I just don't know any more.
March 16 is 13 years .... 13 years. More than 1/2 of the time I had him here on earth he's been gone from this earth. WHY?????
Replies
There is no positive in losing our children. We have no choice except to continue on and honor them as best we can. I wish I had some answer for the right way to accomplish this. Sending you some peace, Kathy
I hear those words too and I\'ll never forget at my son\'s service one of the women I had taught school with took me by the shoulders and said, \"If anyone can find the gift in this you will.\" I know she meant well, yet those words landed on my heart like a heavy anvil. I want my son here as do you and to keep on living as best as we are able is ALL that we can ask of ourselves. Some days perhaps a bit lighter than others, yet always there and with us. I believe that learning how to carry and integrate it is our life\'s work now.
I suppose the gift in it for me is that I do not fear death in the ways that I did before my loss and I remember it was the first thing that my dear friend, Lisa, said to me when her son shed his earth suit. She said she did not fear death and I completely understood. Deepest of sighs...
I\'m SO sorry that we are carrying this, yet being able to share it makes it possible to keep walking.
BE as kind and gentle with yourself and your thoughts as you can be and keep asking your son to help you as I know you do. It gets this basic for me in my day to day life and sometimes I might forget to say, \"Help\" because I think I should be able to handle it better than I am. Annie LaMott, an author, says there are three prayers: \"Wow, Thank You and Help.\"
Loving care in these tender days and SO much understanding.
XO Joanie
Sometimes is is ever so hard to find positive in losing a child. I know I have a new normal and am not the same person that I was when I lost my son. So much has changed. Would he be the same? Would we have tough times or good times, or both together? It is impossible to answer yet I believe we all ask it at times. We did not get the chance to die before our child, we will probably never know the why. There are no answers in this lifetime for us. I understand with the years passing, it is hard to look forward to the future, yet it is a choice that each of us must make for ourselves. I am sending love and prayers to help get you through this seemingly endless tough spot. I wish I could do more or wish anyone could do more, but I hope that by \"listening\" and responding that you know I care.
Hugs,
Leda
I don\'t see how there can be anything positive in losing our children. But there are a lot of things I don\'t believe anymore. I wish there were something I could say to help. Tight hugs and much love, Paula
Positives are there ~ you just need to force yourself to see them. If God came to you tomorrow and said \"I will bless you with a beautiful child who will give you a love you didn\'t realize was possible but only for \"X: number of years\" ~ would you say no? Even knowing I would live painful times, endure an ache deeper than I knew was possible I would SCREAM YES ~ I want that. Having been blessed for 18 years with Randy Lee was a positive. My niece who loved him like a brother being able to seek and recovery from her own problem after Randy Lee passed is a positive. Being led to a field in which I get to help others with their addictions, often by Randy Lee\'s own words, for me is a positive. His friend finding strength to succeed in his own recovery after Randy Lee\'s death. Having him as my \"bonus son\" and being part of his family, enjoying his sweet little girl growing. I could go on but those are just a few of mine. I feel that I never really \"lost\" Randy Lee ~ he lives in me and in those who loved him. His death was not a positive but his death created many.
Yes I agree our children were such a blessing. Hugs on our journey xoxox
I would not trade my years with our Josh for anything. I am so grateful I had that time with him.