When the darkness overcomes me...
Lately, I've been going through some things. I'm in a very dark place in my mind. Every time something goes wrong in my relationship, I want to just walk away from everything with hopes of ending my life. I just feel like life isn't really worth living anymore. It takes me a while to come back into the light when I feel devoured by this darkness. My fiance knows my thoughts, but I don't tell him every time they pop into my mind.
My father suffered from bipolar disorder. It was REALLY bad. His lows were really low. And when he seemed happy, you could definitely tell. Since bipolar disorder is hereditary, I did some research and took some tests online, and it is possible that I just may suffer from bipolar 11 disorder. If I do, well, that would explain a lot about me. But I do know that I suffer from depression. And when I'm depressed, it stays with me for three or four days. At the peak of this depression, I think about taking the rest of my Vicodin (which was prescribed to me when I had my surgery, and it turns out I'm allergic to it). I don't want to suffer when I die. But if I did end my life, my family, including my friends, would suffer greatly because they do love me. (When I say my family, I mean my three year old and my fiance.) What prevents me from not killing myself are my thoughts of them suffering...I can't bare it. They don't deserve it and killing myself is extremely selfish.
Another thing that helps when I'm in this low state is talking about it with others who suffer like me. When I encourage others, for some reason it gives me hope to keep living. I don't feel so alone. And I tell myself that as humans, we're in this darkness together.
If you knew me, talking about death and murders, wearing black finger nail polish, and being a bitch is a norm for me. I always say that I hate people, I hate kids, and I hate animals. I never used to be this way because I was always a people pleaser. But when I left my old religious ways and became my own person, through trials and tragedies and finding a new life, I became this person. A person who finds delight in tragedy and morbidity. A person who cusses A LOT! A person who can be aggressive at times. I hardly believe in anything or anyone. I got tired of the lies. And when I lie to anyone, I hate myself even more because I fucking hate liars. But at the same time, I love myself, I love my life, and I love my friends. Like my fiance says, I'm "a walking contradiction".
Is anyone else out there like me? I can't be the only one. My best friend Tanya says I'm very unique. I'm crazy, loving, hateful, encouraging, sad, and spiteful all wrapped up in this pretty little body. If I do die, which will eventually happen, it'll probably be because of my heart. My own heart will be my demise...and I'm okay with it.
My father suffered from bipolar disorder. It was REALLY bad. His lows were really low. And when he seemed happy, you could definitely tell. Since bipolar disorder is hereditary, I did some research and took some tests online, and it is possible that I just may suffer from bipolar 11 disorder. If I do, well, that would explain a lot about me. But I do know that I suffer from depression. And when I'm depressed, it stays with me for three or four days. At the peak of this depression, I think about taking the rest of my Vicodin (which was prescribed to me when I had my surgery, and it turns out I'm allergic to it). I don't want to suffer when I die. But if I did end my life, my family, including my friends, would suffer greatly because they do love me. (When I say my family, I mean my three year old and my fiance.) What prevents me from not killing myself are my thoughts of them suffering...I can't bare it. They don't deserve it and killing myself is extremely selfish.
Another thing that helps when I'm in this low state is talking about it with others who suffer like me. When I encourage others, for some reason it gives me hope to keep living. I don't feel so alone. And I tell myself that as humans, we're in this darkness together.
If you knew me, talking about death and murders, wearing black finger nail polish, and being a bitch is a norm for me. I always say that I hate people, I hate kids, and I hate animals. I never used to be this way because I was always a people pleaser. But when I left my old religious ways and became my own person, through trials and tragedies and finding a new life, I became this person. A person who finds delight in tragedy and morbidity. A person who cusses A LOT! A person who can be aggressive at times. I hardly believe in anything or anyone. I got tired of the lies. And when I lie to anyone, I hate myself even more because I fucking hate liars. But at the same time, I love myself, I love my life, and I love my friends. Like my fiance says, I'm "a walking contradiction".
Is anyone else out there like me? I can't be the only one. My best friend Tanya says I'm very unique. I'm crazy, loving, hateful, encouraging, sad, and spiteful all wrapped up in this pretty little body. If I do die, which will eventually happen, it'll probably be because of my heart. My own heart will be my demise...and I'm okay with it.
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