When Does the Trauma Stop
Many of you know I suffered a trauma that started in 2017 and ended in 2019. This expercience scared me to my soul and I have had a hard time dealing with this trauma and moving on, healing, going forward. My session with the TDoc yesterday had us talking around each other. She had her position and I had mine. Hers was "intrinsic" - no matter the outrageous fortune that I suffered, none of this touched my inner core. That is inviolet and unsullied by the trauma. My position is "transactional". I have been severely punished and that must stem from some grevious crime. My inner characteristics however good were inconsequential. Res ipsa loquitur. I can not break the argument that injury implies crime. I am in a "walk of shame" everyday. I live with this trauma daily and I can not move forward from my "walk of shame". The TDoc argument to me sounds like psychic doubletalk as it breaks the arugment and ignores the crime of it. I can not walk away from this. My walk of shame continues. Every piece of my life has been touched by this shame and I can not get any distance from the trauma to give me perspective. So when you suffer a deep life changing trauma when does it stop? How do I break the argument of res ipsa loquitur? How do I heal when the pain continues every day?
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The pedophile that attacked me and 4 other kids in my elementary school in Uruguay got away with it there because there was no civilian law under military dictatorship and he was a US military adviser to it. So just as New York billionaire Jeffrey Epstein (who recently committed suicide in jail once caught for his crimes) got away with abusing girls, this US military adviser got away with pedophilia when posted abroad. So I got no positive messages about how child abuse is not the child's fault; quite the opposite.
However, God or fate or the universe or whatever you call it didn't let false blame stand. Pedophiles don't stop, and he didn't when he went back to the USA, and that was his downfall. I love to re-tell the story. In 2009 the 5 of us wh0 had survived him got together to celebrate. He'd gotten arrested for pedophilia in Michigan, and the courts there tried and convicted him. In prison, he was given the option to be protected from the general population provided he admitted to pedophilia. Since pedophiles almost never admit to it, he refused and was place in the general population in prison. There he met the expected fate: a fellow inmate stabbed him to death. Karma is a bear.
I learned lessons about blame from all of this. One lesson I learned was that others didn't always make my ordeal a priority. As soon as we got back to the States, I told my mother I'd been attacked repeatedly by a pedophile and I wanted to get help. She refused to get help for me because, as she put it, if word came out I'd survived a sexual assault then receipts in our church offering plates would go down and I'd cost the family money. I was only 12 and new to the USA, so I didn't know where else to go. We did raise the money needed to return as missionaries and went back to Uruguay the next year, and that's when I got tortured by a military officer. It didn't matter then, either.
When I came back to the USA yet again to go to college, my college offered counseling sessions as a tuition benefit, so I went to one. He didn't believe me, not about my parents, nor about being tortured by the military, he just said I was making things up because I was going through growing pains and was vying for attention.
It would be 28 years before I met a therapist who believed me because by then therapists had met Iraq War veterans who'd told them stories like mine about my car bombing and so they realized sometimes those stories are true. Lucky for me, too, democracy came to Uruguay where all of this happened. My pedophile story had already been confirmed by the 4 others who had come forward as adults about having been attacked by him, too, when we were all in elementary school. Democracy's return brought investigations into torture there, and lucky for me an investigation into the day I was tortured confirmed my torture as part of a larger sweep to subdue the population after 8 union leaders were executed by the military dictator that day.
The general context of two countries had to change, Uruguay and the USA, before a therapist in the USA would believe my ordeal. I don't know how I stayed alive for those 28 years before that happened and my story was confirmed in Uruguay and then recognized by US therapy and help became available, I really don't.
I was more resilient than I knew. Through it all, what made me tough enough to last until justice finally came to me nearly 3 decades late was that I refused to internalize the lie: I did not cause my trauma. It was done TO me, not BY me.
By the way, justice was done to those in my family who ignored what I'd suffered for the sake of keeping the church offering plate's income stream intact at my expense. It took a long time, 29 years, but when justice came it was perfect. They were deported from South America for financial church fraud, which was nicely targeted punishment for people who had openly put money over their own kid's safety.
I don't actually know any of the details of your incident in 2017 to which you refer, Thor, so I can't speak to your particulars, but there may be a way you can use what worked for me, even though it took decades. Justice for me was "transactional," of the kind you see working against you, but in my case it was eventually transactional in my favor at every level internationally, politically, and personally in a way I could never have imagined. I just had to stay alive long enough to see it. It was touch and go at times for that to happen, but I'm glad I outlasted the blues.
1. Internationally, I was avenged in the USA when the pedophile got killed for what he'd done to me in Uruguay.
2. Politically, the Uruguayan military that tortured me was tried and convicted in democracy's return.
3. Personally, my own family got punished for putting money over care about trauma.
By the time these things happened for me, 28 years had passed, but they happened anyway one by one. I was amazed by then, because I'd given up on justice. On that count, I was wrong. What I was right about, though, was insisting until justice came that I had not been to blame. I was proven right.
Thor, I don’t have the answers. Just offering support for today.
One of my traumas was childbirth trauma, with the loss of a son. Though I’ve done the therapy, I still cannot get out of my mind that if I would have done this or that then none of this would happen, or that my body is just broken and has failed me repeatedly. It’s a hard thing to endure when trauma encompasses your entire being and physical self. Also hard to endure when confronted with simple questions like, oh do you have kids? I live it everyday. Deep rooted, profound sadness.
I have come to find my own trauma as an existential thing. Learning how to live with it, understanding what is triggering. Building resilience. None of it easy by any stretch of the imagination. Highs and lows.
Take it easy on yourself today.
Thor, I am sorry for what you went through and the pain. My TDoc who is so patient with me said that I will never forget any of my six traumas, They will always be with me. What he did say is that I need to learn to separate my emotions from the traumas so they are more like watching a movie where there is no attachment. Everyday I am suppose to read one of my traumas so that I can learn to detach my emotions from it. Sometimes I’m ok and sometimes I am not. Especially when triggered.
As you know the situation of my latest trauma, I decided to make the government face its responsibilities. They have not denied their responsibility and are negotiating, but I have filed suit if they don’t settle, it will move forward because my case is strong. However every step makes me relive the trauma and that is really hard to face. It’s too hard to separate my emotions when it’s being thrown in my face all the time. My TDoc has worked with me on staying present for all the depositions, I am hoping that I can.
Sending you hugs and support,
Here's hoping you and your therapist can have a good discussion of this "intrinsic" vs. "transactional" business, Thor. If there's an insight from your next session that you're comfortable sharing, please feel free, it would be great to learn more about the push/pull between the two I feel every day.
I read another journal today where the person said (forgive me for swiping this).... "I don't really see the world as it is... I see the world as I am".... these words really hit home to me
That can sure be tough at times.... I think when it comes to government as well we want to believe we can have trust in the state which is a lot of caca IMHO..... Who lies more the politicians??.... Governments do nasty things all of the time and we all know it...... Don't embrace being a fall guy sweetie.... To hell with that..... You know that they were wrong and cruel.... Don't let them manipulate you any more then they already have
You want to do kind things for others... Maybe in time it can be for soldiers who've been screwed over like you have been
They lie all the time and often want a 'fall guy sadly
I have found with trauma I go back and forth.... Sometimes I will think I'm doing really well and have it all figured out and then I slide back and have to start again
I think it helps to know that you don't deserve to be hurt and beaten up..... That we all deserve to make the most of our lives.... I don't know if you have a faith..... For me this is a big one..... If God loves and forgives me.... Who am I to scoff at that..... That's a big deal
Perhaps Justice is something that you can give yourself....... You may never get what you want from others.... It's such a big wheel and they move on without thinking about all of the carnage ....Nor do they want any responsibility for their unjust behavior...
I think it's a gift that you so deserve....... Big squishy hug.....xo
I see myself as a victim of this process. I have a lot of shame about the process and I accepted a lot of guilt. The way this unfolded over a long period of time in a series of events. This has left me with a lot of nightmares and some flashbacks if triggered. One the process started, I was no longer held in high regard for my accomplishments. All and I mean all of my friends and peers treated me as if I had leprosy. My whole network of friends ran. My wife and I were suddenly alone. They all thought somehow that I was contagious. This just heaped shame and guilt on me. I sometimes feel free of the guilt because I did nothing criminal, immoral, or unethical. They needed fall guys for this and I was the one. If I went back in time and relived the event, I would refuse the orders and would have gotten in even more trouble than I am today. It was a no-win scenario. But the guilt always returns. Where I am at is shame and guilt. I still am nervous around email as I think the next email will be something from the government taking something else from me. This is a very intense feeling. I am living in fear of "the next thing" that I will lose. I am so screwed up over this.
Thor, The more you write it out, the more you will find another piece to heal. It's difficult when your therapist offers a significantly distant perspective in therapy.
That feeling of fear over the next thing you will lose is the biggest offer you have for your feelings.
When the people who were business acquaintances showed their lack of courage, their lack of trust, their lack of understanding, that was their consequence choice. Eventually, when the truth emerges, the karma finds its way to each and every single person involved in turning their backs on someone without reason, without cause, and without proof of evidence.
It can take a lot of time, years, decades, and in that time, you have to work with your feelings, your emotions, your fears, and your ability to live. You're not alone, you are important to everyone in this community, you share valuable insight for everyone, and you're appreciated for being you!
Here's the value of those orders. You handled the orders and you've handled the consequences of the orders. Those orders will never define you. Those orders define the people involved in the process-if they did it then, they've done it before and will do it again. At some point, those consequences will find them.
The accomplishments matter.
My hope is that this helps. Thank you for sharing.