When a relationship pushes you to drink, it's time to end it.

I feel sick. Last night I texted my boyfriend of 6 months and told him it was over. It was supposed to be our anniversary tomorrow but I finally just accepted that I wasn't happy and nothing was going to change that. At the beginning of our relationship we were incredibly happy, spent tons of time together, talked about the future, and planned our lives together.. But as time passed on we saw less and less of one another, I constantly tried to make plans with him but he always made excuses. A couple nights ago I suggested he come over after work (done at 6:30pm & works close to my house), he said no because he had to work first thing in the morning.. All I wanted was an hour or two together but apparently that was too much to ask for, and then he was up till 12:30-1am, I went to bed around 12:30 and he was still awake. I was choked considering he couldn't come out because he had to be up first thing and then stays up all night anyways. This was a pretty common occurrence. It got to a point where I saw more of my ex Kory than my own boyfriend, and spent more time at the bar (not drinking-just dancing). I had so much fun going out, yet I felt guilty because I was out having fun and felt like I shouldn't be. I danced my heart out with my best friend Amanda, I had the most fun I've had in my life, and multiple times when she handed me her beer to hold on to (for various reasons) I almost took a sip. She knows I don't drink and she's very respectful of it, so I know if she saw me go for it she'd likely stop me or not let me do it again, but that first sip is all it takes. My relationship with Daniel was the first one that went sour and almost pushed me towards alcohol, it's happened before and it's a sign or major trouble. When I get to that point in a relationship I know there's no turning back, there's no fixing it, because I turn to alcohol when I fail. I failed to fix our relationship and I began to give up, I began thinking about kissing Amanda and completely letting loose, getting drunk and having a wild time with her. It would have been my rock bottom. I'm perfectly fine being single and kissing her and having fun, just so long as I'm sober. But going to the bar and constantly saying I can't drink and I can't kiss her and I can't do this and can't do that... I felt like I was completely confined and restricted, there was nothing I was allowed to do. Now that I'm single the urge to drink isn't so bad. I would rather fail myself and drink, than fail my relationship and cheat. Something was going to give, it was either my sobriety or my relationship. If my sobriety went out the window my relationship would have gone with it, as well as myself. My sobriety is not something I'm willing to mess with. I've done it before and was literally dragged out of the bar.. Had it not been for Scott I would have given myself alcohol poisoning, I likely would have slept with someone(s), and who knows where I would have ended up... Sobriety isn't a game, it isn't something you can chose to partake in willy-nilly. It's my life. It's my sanity.