what to say about today?
I don't know really what to say about today. I'm thankful I did not have to go out last night and being oncall. I'm thankful I did not have to tell anyone off for making stupid ass reports to oncall last night. I'm thankful I have income coming in, even though the job often sucks and requires the aggression that comes so naturally for me and compassion when that is needed instead, but what a fucking emotional wreck it leave me in after it's all over. I have not seen any cleints for 2 days now cause I guess I'm trying to recoperate emotionally from the huge dissappointment I just went through with another agency. basically I applied to another agency for a position that was outside of child protective services because I am burned to crisp in this feild, and feel like if I don't want to end up with my brains splattered out of my head, or my blood running out of my wrist, or end up in a really bad automobile accident in effort to kill myself, I need to get out of this job. I have a hang up though, something that has made trouble for me for my entire life since it happened. 23 fucking years ago, when I was 18 years old, (just turned 18) I got into trouble for shoplifting. I had never been in trouble before that, except for running away from home at 16, I also made a serious attempt at suicide when 16 as I turned up an entire bottle of sleeping pills and was already unconscious by the time medical staff got to me and was in ICU for a few days.
WEll anyway it causes problems even now, I've had to fight and claw my way to where I am now, and I am aggressive and angry, but would prefer to be happy and to have a job that does not require and exasperate those traits, and causes me to be on a 24 hour anger trip. I would prefer to not be ready to fight at the drop of a hat. I would prefer to be able to say when someone gets a job that I want and deserve, and that someone absolutely is not qualified for that job, does not deserve it, I wish I could just let stuff like that just roll off my shoulder, and just humm and twiddle through life all happy go lucky like some people. But most of the time I feel like I want to really hurt someone for shitting on me my whole life, like I would really like hurt the creator himself, that's who I am most angry at. How can you hurt the creator himself. When I was 5 years old I said Iwanted to kill God, and I was dead serious.
My psych tries alot of meditation stuff with me, and for a while that worked, but the problem is it does not change the problem, and it is the problem that needs to be turned around, and the problem is I'm stuck in a shit sucking job where I'm much smarter than those who are suppose to be my supervisors, and I have been here far longer than they have, I have more experience and know what should be done when, all because I choose to steal a fucking dress and hang out with freinds who liked stealing too. It was all a game, it wasn't life, I was never taught how to succeed at life other than over powering another person, either through beauty, manipulation or outright aggressiveness. I don't know really, not really how to love and be gentle and kind, except to my own child, I can be all those things to her, but not really to anyone else, I can to a degree with my own parents, but they can also be manipulative which strains me emotionally because I don't want to see them that way and I get angry when I do.
WEll anyway it causes problems even now, I've had to fight and claw my way to where I am now, and I am aggressive and angry, but would prefer to be happy and to have a job that does not require and exasperate those traits, and causes me to be on a 24 hour anger trip. I would prefer to not be ready to fight at the drop of a hat. I would prefer to be able to say when someone gets a job that I want and deserve, and that someone absolutely is not qualified for that job, does not deserve it, I wish I could just let stuff like that just roll off my shoulder, and just humm and twiddle through life all happy go lucky like some people. But most of the time I feel like I want to really hurt someone for shitting on me my whole life, like I would really like hurt the creator himself, that's who I am most angry at. How can you hurt the creator himself. When I was 5 years old I said Iwanted to kill God, and I was dead serious.
My psych tries alot of meditation stuff with me, and for a while that worked, but the problem is it does not change the problem, and it is the problem that needs to be turned around, and the problem is I'm stuck in a shit sucking job where I'm much smarter than those who are suppose to be my supervisors, and I have been here far longer than they have, I have more experience and know what should be done when, all because I choose to steal a fucking dress and hang out with freinds who liked stealing too. It was all a game, it wasn't life, I was never taught how to succeed at life other than over powering another person, either through beauty, manipulation or outright aggressiveness. I don't know really, not really how to love and be gentle and kind, except to my own child, I can be all those things to her, but not really to anyone else, I can to a degree with my own parents, but they can also be manipulative which strains me emotionally because I don't want to see them that way and I get angry when I do.
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