What's wrong with me?

i don't know what's wrong with me. Tanner and I have been together two and a half months and I love him, but I have been avoiding sexual contact because Everytime we have sex I break down and cry after. I don't know why.  On top of that my nightmares are so bad and my good dreams always consist of someone who isn't in my life anymore. I don't feel safe in my own skin. I feel sick intense guilt Everytime I put food into my mouth. If it weren't for the fact that tanner is always around and makes me eat, I might actually have a chance at being skinny. 75 days cut free today. It's the longest I've gone in over a year. Crazy. I think about it all the time. Just making small cuts where no one could see. But then I'd have to start all over. I don't want to start over but no one seems to understand my struggle. I feel like Alice stuck in a wonderland where I don't know anyone and everyone hates me. I've been having suicidal tendencies lately. And they scare me. I use to be at the point where I wasn't afraid of death and I know it's bad when you reach that point but right now I am terrified. I can't write where I usually do because tanner sees it and worries so I may start journaling on here. I know if something seriously wrong happens to me, at least someone I care about will know. Even if I am the last thing to cross their mind. At least someone who matters will know. You've always been good about keeping my secrets. My biggest regret was dating you. Not because I didn't want to or I didn't love you, but because it ruined one of the best friendships I have ever experienced. I miss you and our endless talks about everything and nothing every day. I miss the big brother type protectiveness you had over me and your advice. I miss always having someone to talk to when I couldn't talk to the people around me. You always knew what to do and how to help me. I doubt you feel the same or if you'll even read this. But I miss my partner in crime. 

In otherwords, here is what you've missed.

signing up for CNA classes for fall quarter

i got my lisence 

Angie is back for the summer 

I got my rat Tobie a new cage and he loves it.

got a new phone

been gaming too much bc I got a 3DS

pokemon is life

got my tattoo after I hit a month clean- which is my profile pic

Gusgus is still spoiled rotten

my hair is brown right now. Trying to grow it out before I make any decisions to change it again.

im in a couple Cgl groups. Have some friends but it's not the same without the originals

im gonna start a new job soon. I'm still working at 24 hour fitness for now but soon I'll be making 12 dollars an hour, working full time 40+ hours a week, and have my own office and such. 

Git my belly button pierced, yeah yeah I know, again? Well it's been two weeks and isn't rejecting this far * knocks on wood*

i started dating tanner may 13th. He treats me really well. I've been his first for everything. I don't remember if you ever talked to him but him and I were friends about the time you got with jackie. I met him in a CGL group and it turned out he lived in the next town over from me, 10 minute drive. He is a really good guy. I think you'd like him. 

Kinda scared of commitment. But it's ok.

i am 7 lbs away from being at my highest weight again and it scares me. 

But in trying. That is what matters. 

Dad got a new job, he is gone on the weekdays a couple hours away. Doesn't come home till Friday's nights and then leaves early Monday morning. That's hard. But I'll manage. 

I almost got to smoke weed with willow Nelson but the concert started before I got off work and my friend took someone else.

i miss Avie relentlessly. She is always on my mind. I don't think that ever gets easier. 

Went to wild waves for the first time. My first time ever at a theme park. I loved it and got a new bikini top. Who knew they made E cups ? It's cute. 

I can't think of anything else rn. I gotta get out of the shower and go play more Pokemon. 

Love you. Miss you. I'm always here. 

Xoxo

MarMar