What I wrote to Joanna this morning
Joanna
I can't stop thinking about yesterday. Just now while I was in the shower I did some thinking of what you said yesterday in regards to how I am in control and I can eat more and gain weight if I want to. It is my doing and is all up to me to change, otherwise I am not trying. You said that in the past, it was not in my control but now I am purposely not trying and in fact am trying to lose weight. But...in a way that is how it is for everyone I feel. Everyone with an eating disorder is doing it to themselves, no one else is forcing us to have an eating disorder. In High School when this all started (and I did not even realize what was going on to a point) I was still doing it to myself. What I strongly believe that happens it hat i start with one simple thing...some big change in life occurs and the only way i know to deal with it is to restrict my food. Or i just am uncomfortable and want to lose some pounds. Both sophomre year in college and after i graduate i restricted my caloric intake to lose weight because i was so huge. I have tried exercising and eating healthily, but I never was able to lose weight that way. The only thing that worked was starving. That's what worked in the past, so that's what I continued to do. Yes, big events typically conincide with the times that I try to lose weight and decrease my caloric intake. Then once i start losing weight i just keep going and don't want to stop. I then become terrified of taing anything because i have gained large amounts in the past. After I lose a lot, i then gain a lot. I don't want that to happen, i am terrified.
I don't know if i can do this. I had a good dinner and dessert last night, as well as a good breakfast (all follwing jill's plan). It was all okay until about an hour ago- then I started doubting whether i could continue doing this and now I am spazing out. I do not feel as though i can do this. If i get to 100 then i feel as though I am going to just keep gaining. My anxiety is so high and i am shaking. I am too scfared. but then if i dont do it i am fucked. thiking about leaving you and jill is too frightening and i dont want to. i am not going anywhere else. and i sure as hell am not going to my paren'ts to be kidnapped and traped there. my throat is in knows. I also just looked up that damn DBT hgroiup that you were talking about and it looks like crap. It's twice a week (one DBT groiup and one individual therapy session). They also dont take my insurance. It sauys there is tyupically a 1 month to 1 year wait list and once someone is going to leave, there is a 3-6 week PRE-DBT therapy where they get background information. That sounds like crap. NO.
Sorry. I'm not very positive at the moment.
Steff
I can't stop thinking about yesterday. Just now while I was in the shower I did some thinking of what you said yesterday in regards to how I am in control and I can eat more and gain weight if I want to. It is my doing and is all up to me to change, otherwise I am not trying. You said that in the past, it was not in my control but now I am purposely not trying and in fact am trying to lose weight. But...in a way that is how it is for everyone I feel. Everyone with an eating disorder is doing it to themselves, no one else is forcing us to have an eating disorder. In High School when this all started (and I did not even realize what was going on to a point) I was still doing it to myself. What I strongly believe that happens it hat i start with one simple thing...some big change in life occurs and the only way i know to deal with it is to restrict my food. Or i just am uncomfortable and want to lose some pounds. Both sophomre year in college and after i graduate i restricted my caloric intake to lose weight because i was so huge. I have tried exercising and eating healthily, but I never was able to lose weight that way. The only thing that worked was starving. That's what worked in the past, so that's what I continued to do. Yes, big events typically conincide with the times that I try to lose weight and decrease my caloric intake. Then once i start losing weight i just keep going and don't want to stop. I then become terrified of taing anything because i have gained large amounts in the past. After I lose a lot, i then gain a lot. I don't want that to happen, i am terrified.
I don't know if i can do this. I had a good dinner and dessert last night, as well as a good breakfast (all follwing jill's plan). It was all okay until about an hour ago- then I started doubting whether i could continue doing this and now I am spazing out. I do not feel as though i can do this. If i get to 100 then i feel as though I am going to just keep gaining. My anxiety is so high and i am shaking. I am too scfared. but then if i dont do it i am fucked. thiking about leaving you and jill is too frightening and i dont want to. i am not going anywhere else. and i sure as hell am not going to my paren'ts to be kidnapped and traped there. my throat is in knows. I also just looked up that damn DBT hgroiup that you were talking about and it looks like crap. It's twice a week (one DBT groiup and one individual therapy session). They also dont take my insurance. It sauys there is tyupically a 1 month to 1 year wait list and once someone is going to leave, there is a 3-6 week PRE-DBT therapy where they get background information. That sounds like crap. NO.
Sorry. I'm not very positive at the moment.
Steff
Replies
I agree on Joanna on you being at control at this point to stop your ED. You are right when ed starts it\'s a coping mechanism and lets us survive traumatic things we can\'t handle to work out emotionally at that moment. But once we have worked that out in therapy, ed becomes a behavior or a coping mechanism for the smallest problems that we could very well handle in a healthy way. That being said, it\'s never easy to let it go. It will be the hardest thing you ever do but it is only you who can do it and make the decision. Being skinny hasn\'t worked for you. Look where it brought you. And why is that program crap. I think the only problem is the waiting list, other than that you probably are just not willing to try. And you are right switching therapist or nutritioniist won\'t do you any good. They will all be on the same page if they are worth their money.
joanna is right on the money, with you being the one calling the shots with whether you want to try and gain some control back from ed. your focus lately has been to fall back on restricting and behaviours when things seem to be problematic. we all do this, but we have to find a way to handle small issues in a healthier manner. i also agree the DBT sounds good and i know people who have benifitied greatly, it sucks about the waiting, maybe get a workbook? what truly is the reason why 2 lbs and reaching 100 to avoid being admitted so hard for you. you may have to dig deep. hugsss