What I feel..
It was suggested I try and write down all my feelings...since It's a rollercoaster and keeps changing..I decided just to try and update it as it changes.
Tues Night: Start to have a little anxiety after dinner. The kids are there on tues night..regular dinner..no major dramas in the household. I tried to read for a while...finally killed enough time to go take a shower and get ready for bed. I was feeling shaky, nervous, felt alone, sad.
I went to see what my boyfriend was doing...he was at the computer on facebook. I sat in his lap hugging him and facing away from the screen so he would not think I was being nosy. He shifted so I could fit but did not hold me or really want to talk to me so after a few minutes I gave up and went to take a shower.
Weds morning: Got up at 4..let the dog out, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down ..cat in my lap..finally got up to get ready for the gym about 4:25. ( he had told me the previous day that I needed to get moving in the morning..implying it was my fault we had not made it to the gym the previous day) 4:34...I am dressed, ready, keys in hand..ready to walk out the door...now I am waiting on him again. I'm angry...mad that he sleeps on the little love seat all scrunched up rather than be next to me....mad that even though he has not smoked since June he is still hacking all the time but will not go back to the doctor....mad that I am going out in the cold early for HIM and he wont even get going and warm the car up for me. ( i know that last one is kinda spoiled and bratty of me)
Weds 3:20 PM: As the day goes by and more of my DS friends fall into their evening...I start to feel more alone. that is one of the drawbacks to being on the west coast.
Tues Night: Start to have a little anxiety after dinner. The kids are there on tues night..regular dinner..no major dramas in the household. I tried to read for a while...finally killed enough time to go take a shower and get ready for bed. I was feeling shaky, nervous, felt alone, sad.
I went to see what my boyfriend was doing...he was at the computer on facebook. I sat in his lap hugging him and facing away from the screen so he would not think I was being nosy. He shifted so I could fit but did not hold me or really want to talk to me so after a few minutes I gave up and went to take a shower.
Weds morning: Got up at 4..let the dog out, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down ..cat in my lap..finally got up to get ready for the gym about 4:25. ( he had told me the previous day that I needed to get moving in the morning..implying it was my fault we had not made it to the gym the previous day) 4:34...I am dressed, ready, keys in hand..ready to walk out the door...now I am waiting on him again. I'm angry...mad that he sleeps on the little love seat all scrunched up rather than be next to me....mad that even though he has not smoked since June he is still hacking all the time but will not go back to the doctor....mad that I am going out in the cold early for HIM and he wont even get going and warm the car up for me. ( i know that last one is kinda spoiled and bratty of me)
Weds 3:20 PM: As the day goes by and more of my DS friends fall into their evening...I start to feel more alone. that is one of the drawbacks to being on the west coast.
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